I am learning
Joana Zimmer - I've Learned To Walk Alone
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Now that your friends are leavin'
And I as to look into my eyes
You try in vain to stop from shaking
I know that you're just staying
To leave a broken heart behind
There is no need for you to linger
I've heard them all right from the start
Don't say these words to me
I know them all by heart
I dont need explanations
I read the answers in your eyes
Don't be afraid to see me crying
I've lost my expectations
So you don't need to tell me lies
To save my self-esteem from dying
I've gone through this within my mind
I've seen this all before
At least a million times
I've learned to live without you
I've learned to dream without you
To take the pain within my heart
I've learned to smile without you
To take a chance without you
I'm getting used to miss your love
I've learned to walk alone
Leave without hesitation
There's nothing left for me to loose
I won't cry to talk it over
No need to fake compassion
Don't try to walk within my shoes
I've used them on the way to nowhere
I've heard them all right from the start
Don't say these words to me,
I know them all by heart
I've learned to live without you
I've learned to dream without you
To take the pain within my heart
I've learned to smile without you
To take a chance without you
I'm getting used to miss your love
I've learned to walk alone
...
I think it's about time to learn how to walk alone again. Not run away. I guess I've finally reached the point of staying...even if it threatens to break me. But I've finally recognized and admitted to myself that if I'd keep on running, I'd never escape. I just keep pushing apart it but it will still haunt me.
Evelyn has slowed down until she finally stopped.
Now I am trying to catch my breath again. And I won't run.
Maybe because I have no place to run anymore.
This song is...old. How old, Joanna? 2005.
I remember listening her forst song she broke through : I belive *give a little bit love*. Jesus Christ, when I remember me saying (after seeing her PV for the first time) why the heck does she wear those sunglasses? It looks so odd! I am still ashamed. And I apologize, Joanna - again and again.
And then this song came out. I've learned to walk alone. At first, I thought the name was because she's blind. But then, as I kept listening to it over and over, I got the deeper message.
It helped me once and I have hopes it will help me twice.
It's fine to walk away from me. I guess I've finally letting my ex-girlfriend over. After years. After she walked away from me when I was struggling with the biggest shit that ever happened to me...at least, back then I thought it was the biggest shit. I guess it was.
No, I still don't wish her all the happiness of the world. But the progress is, I wish her no bad luck anymore. I don't care.
I let go.
___________________
It's fine to walk away from me because I am difficult, I am mad, I am crazy, I am dangerous for myself or for aynone around me and most of the time, I should be declared for not being responsible for what I've done or what I am planning to do.
It's fine.
There's something very peaceful in my soul...something I wasn't feeling for so, so long...
I am fine. I am not depressed, I am not sad, I am not happy. BUT I AM NOT SHALLOW, EITHER.
I am...me. I am fine.
Right now, the sun is shining over the roofs of Frankfurt. When looking back on the four weeks of February, I've managed to fall in love *poor you, darling*, lose 4 people of my f-list im general...maybe 5, that's still the question, true...
...and I was flying. For a couple of minutes, I've became the one I was in the very beginning: Fleur de la Cour. The fairy. The vampire fairy who was as crazy and flirtatious and happy than no one else.
And I thank your for making me feel like that. You know, my dearest Fox...I had a camara inside of my bag. I wanted to take a pic of you and me. But in the end, I didn't have the courage to ask you to slow down for a while.
But I don't regret.
I don't regret anything. Oh non, je ne regrette rien...
Als ich meine Haut verließ der Winter blutete in Paris...
But now, now...Frühling blutet.
Jay, I am in love with you. But don't worry, honey. By the time I'll come back form the asylum, I'll be fine. I've always had this funny tending to fall in love with someone I cannot have. My psychiatrist's believes he'd manage to bring me back to my senses and teach me how to fall in love with someone I actually COULD have and thus, I could lead a fine realtionship.
I've never told him I do not want ANY relationship ever. Not now, not tomorrow, not in two years. I am fine with falling in love with gay men, vampires, dead men, werewolves... BECAUSE they do not want anything from me in real. Yes, we're talking about sex.
Mel...I am still owing you an aswer. I do write on it. And I'd manage to finish it before I'd go away for a...psychic vacation.
Rhea...oh Rhea. Of course you can cuddle with me. But don't spoil me much. Don't let me become too dangerous for you. I was told I could destroy and leave a mess bigger than an A-bomb.
Perhaps, I can. My only hopes are they would teach me how to not
Dana...there is still one FF I've never finished. As iced_eowyn . I only hope I'll manage someday. As... serena_blaire .
Scopí...I cannot help myself. When talking to your mom for hours while you've been playing piano downstairs...but the chips in your bed while you were holding me and singing my lullabies. Primavera has never tasted the same since I've left your door.
And finally.
Zeevia. Just because of you I want to meet Sugizo again. And explain to him that it wasn't my name. That it wasn't me.
But you know what? It has no sense. Not anymore. Not without you...Sugizo doesn't mean anything to me when you're not around.
...
Please. Don't worry.
I'll be fine. From Monday on, I am in the asylum. Should be there in January but unfortunatelly, I catched the swine flu.
From Monday on... I'll be fine. I'll be safe.
Your's sincerely,
EVELYN.