So this is Christmas
He's still not talking to me so it was a very silent morning. I went to see my parents in the afternoon and Dad was saying if there was a gun lying around he would shoot himself. Heh. But we managed to talk my dad into going out for dinner with a family friend because my mother really wanted that. I didn't go because I can't stand 99% of of family friends. I went back home in the evening and gave him (not my dad) the scarf and seemed to piss him off. Oh well. He already told me I didn't make him happy anymore but I had already started the scarf so it just seemed like I should... finish it.
I'm just hoping something opens up for him soon so he can leave ASAP and I can move on. At the same time, I want so badly to back to what we had. My mind knows that's impossible. The switch has been flipped. We can never go back. My heart still foolishly hopes there's some way he'll come around. It'll be a big blessing if he can leave soon so I can finally let go, as much as I know it'll rip my heart open.
Surprisingly, I'm doing okay. I'm in an incredible amount of pain, but my support groups have been fantastic. Last year I wouldn't believe I'll be in a 12-step program and listening to hymns and talking about giving things up to a higher power. Codependency is a bitch. I'm working hard at healing and been journaling like mad lately. I bought a little physical journal. It's been pretty awesome. I do have a lot to be grateful for. 2019 has been a godawful painful year that just... wow, like shredding my soul with nails... but it also given me a chance to finish the healing that I started five years ago with Dr. D. I never did finish that.
I had unfinished business. It's time I went back and finished it. Time to heal, and finally be in a position to love and be loved in a healthy manner.
I'm just hoping something opens up for him soon so he can leave ASAP and I can move on. At the same time, I want so badly to back to what we had. My mind knows that's impossible. The switch has been flipped. We can never go back. My heart still foolishly hopes there's some way he'll come around. It'll be a big blessing if he can leave soon so I can finally let go, as much as I know it'll rip my heart open.
Surprisingly, I'm doing okay. I'm in an incredible amount of pain, but my support groups have been fantastic. Last year I wouldn't believe I'll be in a 12-step program and listening to hymns and talking about giving things up to a higher power. Codependency is a bitch. I'm working hard at healing and been journaling like mad lately. I bought a little physical journal. It's been pretty awesome. I do have a lot to be grateful for. 2019 has been a godawful painful year that just... wow, like shredding my soul with nails... but it also given me a chance to finish the healing that I started five years ago with Dr. D. I never did finish that.
I had unfinished business. It's time I went back and finished it. Time to heal, and finally be in a position to love and be loved in a healthy manner.