i have a continuous feeling of just getting the wind knocked out of you...

[silenced_cries]

i'm sad, so sad. as soon as my mind pays attention to something else and i began to feel alright that constant pit in my stomach, the constant ringing in my ears of what happened, and the millions of things that remind me of us take me back to the reality that everything sucks right now. i want to talk about it, i want to for a long time and never shutup about it. but the second i start recollecting what happened its impossible to talk and i just keep crying. i know crying doesn't fix anything, but it hurts so much if i don't. everyone keeps saying things will get easier, things will get better, you'll get over it, you'll see. but they don't understand that i'm not going to get over it. i care about him so much. i was so happy with him despite what everyone thinks. i'm miserable now without him. im not going to make myself get over him. im going to make myself not need him anyone. i need to know i'll be ok alone. but i'll never stop loving him and i'll never stop wanting him. i don't want anyone else and i don't want to be alone. i think once i stop needing him it'll be so much easier. then i'll know that when i'm with him it'll be because i want to and not because i need to. if something like this ever happens again i'll just be able to leave and not be hurt so much. that was always my problem. because i needed him so much everytime something bad happened i got hurt. i hated being hurt, and he hated hurting me. i hope we can stop hurting eachother. i really want him in my life again. everyone keeps getting so angry when i say that. like i'm really supposed to throw away the one person that meant the world to me for the past three years. like i'm supposed to forget he ever existed. no, i will never do that. i dont want to not be with him right now. i want to forgive him and tell myself he'll never do it again. but im to tired of getting hurt. and im not sure if he wont do it ever again. when i know for sure im safe again, when i know for sure that i wont get hurt, and when i know for sure that im not being lied to then we can be friends. of course i'm going to take time away, that i know i have to. but he was too important to me to get over and forget about. no one can decide when its right to see him. i can figure it out. he knows what i want from him and i hope im worth it for him to do. because i really cant be friends with him unless he does what i asked. i wish enough time has already passed and we could hang out and be friends. then we could be working on things from there. i still wanna marry him. i wish i met him 10 years from now. ugh, i dont know. this isnt getting me anywhere.

bye
-chrystal