(no subject)
I think it's time to really look at and address my problems...
Lately a lot of things have been going on around me. A lot of people have been changing and changing. I really would like to tell myself that I'm ready for a change, but change seems so far away. I know that I want and need to get help, from someone who knows what the hell is going on. I tell myself constantly that since no one else really knows, how can a psychiatrist know if they haven't lived through every little thing that I have. But then there it is, always in the back of my head...telling me this is really the only hope. I can't cure myself, no matter how much I say I can. I can't do this alone, and I have to come to terms with that. Friends, partners, and even parents really will never know how to help you. I guess this knowledge comes with a degree.
This is going to sound really stupid but I just want to get it on here for my reference, and maybe if someday in the future a counsler is willing to read it. Oh and of course if anyone can relate. I have never been in something that I haven't quit within probably six months to a year. I've been in pretty much every sport, school, and have had enough jobs to realize this. And the thought has crossed my mind that I'm just lazy, but that's simply not it. I'm afraid. I have social anxiety. When I hang out with people I hardly know, I feel sick or just want to leave. I can't think of things to say, so I really don't say much at all. God knows I want to, I want to be outgoing and feel good about what I do and what I say, and the situations I'm in, but I don't. If I had it my way I'd stay inside all the time and only go out when I really feel the need to. Well, no. I would rather there be no one around. I'd rather honestly be a hermit. That way I could do the things I want without being afraid of the people around me influencing what I want to do. For example...I would love to go for a walk around the block everyday. But I don't because I don't want to run into anyone, or know that people could be watching. I want to go to the store sometimes, or the park, or see a movie alone...but I really just hate being around crowds. When I go to the mall and try to shop for clothes...this is where I really notice how extreme things can be. I get really angry and anxious and feel disgusting in everything I put on, and if ONE thing doesn't go right, I say forget it and go home. There are just too many people in malls. I hate seeing people that are better looking than me, or more outgoing with much more to say, and I really just hate being around people. I feel inadequate. Well this is really the part I was getting at...Today at work I lied to one of the managers. I went to work for about a half hour, I messed up twice and had to call a manager to void the transactions...and I just got really angry and anxious and didn't want to be there. So I told my manager that I had to 'call home' because 'my uncle might be in the hospital.' It just started coming out of my mouth before I even knew what I was doing. I was about to cry so I'm more than positive it was convincing. So I called MY phone, and then told her 'my uncle was in the hospital' so ...she let me go home..and now...I really just don't even want to think about what I did because it just appals me. Like I am the most pathetic person I know...because I am THAT afraid to confront people for 5 hours of the day. I'm thinking I'm heading in the direction that I did before. I'm thinking I'll probably end up quitting this job too. I'm also just afraid of getting help...having to talk to someone about my problems..and probably just end up crying after every sentence like I did the last time I tried it.
The more I think about people, and myself, the more I understand and know where to go to research it. But I'm also that much more lost. I understand these problems very well now, but there's just nothing I can do about them. So I go deeper and deeper. I'm just shocked sometimes...knowing that subconsciously we can do and be so many things without ever consciously realizing or understanding it. It took me up to this year to ever really understand what was going on with me. But at least I did that..so that tells me that I'm trying, and hopefully I'll go further.
Lately a lot of things have been going on around me. A lot of people have been changing and changing. I really would like to tell myself that I'm ready for a change, but change seems so far away. I know that I want and need to get help, from someone who knows what the hell is going on. I tell myself constantly that since no one else really knows, how can a psychiatrist know if they haven't lived through every little thing that I have. But then there it is, always in the back of my head...telling me this is really the only hope. I can't cure myself, no matter how much I say I can. I can't do this alone, and I have to come to terms with that. Friends, partners, and even parents really will never know how to help you. I guess this knowledge comes with a degree.
This is going to sound really stupid but I just want to get it on here for my reference, and maybe if someday in the future a counsler is willing to read it. Oh and of course if anyone can relate. I have never been in something that I haven't quit within probably six months to a year. I've been in pretty much every sport, school, and have had enough jobs to realize this. And the thought has crossed my mind that I'm just lazy, but that's simply not it. I'm afraid. I have social anxiety. When I hang out with people I hardly know, I feel sick or just want to leave. I can't think of things to say, so I really don't say much at all. God knows I want to, I want to be outgoing and feel good about what I do and what I say, and the situations I'm in, but I don't. If I had it my way I'd stay inside all the time and only go out when I really feel the need to. Well, no. I would rather there be no one around. I'd rather honestly be a hermit. That way I could do the things I want without being afraid of the people around me influencing what I want to do. For example...I would love to go for a walk around the block everyday. But I don't because I don't want to run into anyone, or know that people could be watching. I want to go to the store sometimes, or the park, or see a movie alone...but I really just hate being around crowds. When I go to the mall and try to shop for clothes...this is where I really notice how extreme things can be. I get really angry and anxious and feel disgusting in everything I put on, and if ONE thing doesn't go right, I say forget it and go home. There are just too many people in malls. I hate seeing people that are better looking than me, or more outgoing with much more to say, and I really just hate being around people. I feel inadequate. Well this is really the part I was getting at...Today at work I lied to one of the managers. I went to work for about a half hour, I messed up twice and had to call a manager to void the transactions...and I just got really angry and anxious and didn't want to be there. So I told my manager that I had to 'call home' because 'my uncle might be in the hospital.' It just started coming out of my mouth before I even knew what I was doing. I was about to cry so I'm more than positive it was convincing. So I called MY phone, and then told her 'my uncle was in the hospital' so ...she let me go home..and now...I really just don't even want to think about what I did because it just appals me. Like I am the most pathetic person I know...because I am THAT afraid to confront people for 5 hours of the day. I'm thinking I'm heading in the direction that I did before. I'm thinking I'll probably end up quitting this job too. I'm also just afraid of getting help...having to talk to someone about my problems..and probably just end up crying after every sentence like I did the last time I tried it.
The more I think about people, and myself, the more I understand and know where to go to research it. But I'm also that much more lost. I understand these problems very well now, but there's just nothing I can do about them. So I go deeper and deeper. I'm just shocked sometimes...knowing that subconsciously we can do and be so many things without ever consciously realizing or understanding it. It took me up to this year to ever really understand what was going on with me. But at least I did that..so that tells me that I'm trying, and hopefully I'll go further.