Invasion of the Borg (Does that have a "j" in it?)
I am here. Sitting in my chair. My hips hurting from the children I bore.
I have school work to do. But, I am not. I was writing an essay for a scholarship app. Well, actually, I finished it. Then, I re-read it. It was all about the hardships I have overcome, why I chose to pursue my degree and what I plan to do once I have it. AS, I re-read it, I thought...wow. That sounds exactly like some uppity "I have walked through hell and I am still smiling" shit. Is that how I sound? Like, I'm standing around singing "Climb Every Mountain" while the world crumbles around me from atom bombs?
I realize no one is ever perfectly happy. But, I am not happy at all. At all.
I went through all of cabinet food today and pulled out all the no-nos for the new life diet. So, I was thinking about the stupid little essay and looked at the counter. The box of brownies. It called to me. I figured what ever. So, I made the brownies. While they were cooking, I spotted the jar of "Zesty" bread and butter pickles my mom left. I ate them. About halfway through the jar, I cussed her. Those aren't zesty. My mouth was on fire, so I ran to the fridge and stuck my tongue under the water thingie. I was kinda laughing, feeling a little like a kid, and I turned around and slipped....on an errant knee high. As I am sitting on the floor, I am thinking I would love a drink. But, of course, I can't. My liver can't handle that. Then, I think, "I wonder if I should check the pickles to see if they will damage my liver, or my pancreas, or if they make me fat, or ugly, hairy, or maybe they will make me afraid or lonely.. And I laughed. I am pretty sure pickles don't make you lonely. Then, It was time to get the brownies out so I did. I got my fat ass up off the floor and got the motherfucking brownies. Forgot to use a potholder, though. And while the brownies were set to cool, I ate the rest of the friendly pickles. Now, it is 2:00 am.
Before I go drown myself in chocolate bliss, I have to say, and I don't say it often, you know actually verbalize it, but...I am so depressed. I wanted my life to mean something. ANd it does, I guess. I mean, it did. It will. Until my children are grown. I am all tapped out. Perhaps I had so much to overcome in the beginning that I burned too hot, like a shot of nitrous. Just when I was picking up steam, I have sputtered to a very anti-climatic halt. So, what am I gonna do now?
I guess I'll stay in class till I run out of loans. I can be just a mom. I can do that. Maybe I can garden, maybe if I focus I won't kill the expensive bulbs I plant. Haha. It's all over with. I am no longer a beautiful, bright, full of awesome, amazing energy ready to make my mark on this world. My time has come and gone. I dream of love and I wake to languish while I do dishes and laundry. I'm expected to be two adults for the price of none and raise three kids close to alone. I supposed to never have enough money, yet make everything run smoothly. I can't even take a day off from school to play a damn xbox game. I supposed to be okay with that. As the Borg say: "Resistance is futile."
____________
After I ate brownies, guess what? That's right. I feel asleep. I slept off and on all damn day until about 4:30 pm. At least I was on the couch. I was able to regain some semblance of consciousness when the kids needed me. Maybe I am channeling my mother now. Sigh.
I miss her, too. I think I am not supposed to. I get the feeling I am supposed to be relieved she is gone. But, I am not. My living room is cleaner. My house is quieter. Things are calmer and more orderly, the way I like them to be. But, I am lonely. I have no one to talk to. There is no one here. to get to the things I haven't gotten a chance to. There is no one here to cook if I don't feel like it or if I forget to plan ahead. There is no one to sit with kids if I need to drive joe to work so I can have the car. So, I can't ever have the car. But, mostly there is no one to talk to. Talking doesn't solve anything. That is why I quit going to counseling. But, talking to someone who knows you, even if their suppositions are wrong or you don't agree with their thoughts, it helps. Mostly, because they know you are not trying to ask them for solutions, they know you just want to talk. To an adult. Without invested feelings in the situation. But, now, now it is quiet at night and it is quiet during the day.
My dog isn't a bad ass anymore. He doesn't chew on anything but the bone I bought him. He doesn't chase the other dogs. He doesn't escape out the door. He even leash walks up and down the road fairly well. He always leaves a little in his dog food, the same amount every night, no matter how much I put in there, even if I mix in some meat drippings. He barely ever barks except when someone is at the door. He has learned to come to me when I call, and he will come and I will hold his collar while the visitor is taken care of. In the afternoon, he sits and whines a lot at Daemyen and I. He wants to play. I let Daemyen wrestle him the other day. They both enjoyed it. I need to get him a tugging toy. He sleeps on the couch next to me whenever I sit on the couch. Occasionally, he shoves his snout down in the cushions like he is looking for tika. He also pounced the cushions when they were on the floor. Pretty sure he thought he had found Katya. He mauled them for a minute and then sat and whined at them.
At least we are depressed together. I know this is situational. I know (I hope) this is not forever. So, I suppose I just have to wait for something to change. I just have to make it through each day. Until something changes.
I have school work to do. But, I am not. I was writing an essay for a scholarship app. Well, actually, I finished it. Then, I re-read it. It was all about the hardships I have overcome, why I chose to pursue my degree and what I plan to do once I have it. AS, I re-read it, I thought...wow. That sounds exactly like some uppity "I have walked through hell and I am still smiling" shit. Is that how I sound? Like, I'm standing around singing "Climb Every Mountain" while the world crumbles around me from atom bombs?
I realize no one is ever perfectly happy. But, I am not happy at all. At all.
I went through all of cabinet food today and pulled out all the no-nos for the new life diet. So, I was thinking about the stupid little essay and looked at the counter. The box of brownies. It called to me. I figured what ever. So, I made the brownies. While they were cooking, I spotted the jar of "Zesty" bread and butter pickles my mom left. I ate them. About halfway through the jar, I cussed her. Those aren't zesty. My mouth was on fire, so I ran to the fridge and stuck my tongue under the water thingie. I was kinda laughing, feeling a little like a kid, and I turned around and slipped....on an errant knee high. As I am sitting on the floor, I am thinking I would love a drink. But, of course, I can't. My liver can't handle that. Then, I think, "I wonder if I should check the pickles to see if they will damage my liver, or my pancreas, or if they make me fat, or ugly, hairy, or maybe they will make me afraid or lonely.. And I laughed. I am pretty sure pickles don't make you lonely. Then, It was time to get the brownies out so I did. I got my fat ass up off the floor and got the motherfucking brownies. Forgot to use a potholder, though. And while the brownies were set to cool, I ate the rest of the friendly pickles. Now, it is 2:00 am.
Before I go drown myself in chocolate bliss, I have to say, and I don't say it often, you know actually verbalize it, but...I am so depressed. I wanted my life to mean something. ANd it does, I guess. I mean, it did. It will. Until my children are grown. I am all tapped out. Perhaps I had so much to overcome in the beginning that I burned too hot, like a shot of nitrous. Just when I was picking up steam, I have sputtered to a very anti-climatic halt. So, what am I gonna do now?
I guess I'll stay in class till I run out of loans. I can be just a mom. I can do that. Maybe I can garden, maybe if I focus I won't kill the expensive bulbs I plant. Haha. It's all over with. I am no longer a beautiful, bright, full of awesome, amazing energy ready to make my mark on this world. My time has come and gone. I dream of love and I wake to languish while I do dishes and laundry. I'm expected to be two adults for the price of none and raise three kids close to alone. I supposed to never have enough money, yet make everything run smoothly. I can't even take a day off from school to play a damn xbox game. I supposed to be okay with that. As the Borg say: "Resistance is futile."
____________
After I ate brownies, guess what? That's right. I feel asleep. I slept off and on all damn day until about 4:30 pm. At least I was on the couch. I was able to regain some semblance of consciousness when the kids needed me. Maybe I am channeling my mother now. Sigh.
I miss her, too. I think I am not supposed to. I get the feeling I am supposed to be relieved she is gone. But, I am not. My living room is cleaner. My house is quieter. Things are calmer and more orderly, the way I like them to be. But, I am lonely. I have no one to talk to. There is no one here. to get to the things I haven't gotten a chance to. There is no one here to cook if I don't feel like it or if I forget to plan ahead. There is no one to sit with kids if I need to drive joe to work so I can have the car. So, I can't ever have the car. But, mostly there is no one to talk to. Talking doesn't solve anything. That is why I quit going to counseling. But, talking to someone who knows you, even if their suppositions are wrong or you don't agree with their thoughts, it helps. Mostly, because they know you are not trying to ask them for solutions, they know you just want to talk. To an adult. Without invested feelings in the situation. But, now, now it is quiet at night and it is quiet during the day.
My dog isn't a bad ass anymore. He doesn't chew on anything but the bone I bought him. He doesn't chase the other dogs. He doesn't escape out the door. He even leash walks up and down the road fairly well. He always leaves a little in his dog food, the same amount every night, no matter how much I put in there, even if I mix in some meat drippings. He barely ever barks except when someone is at the door. He has learned to come to me when I call, and he will come and I will hold his collar while the visitor is taken care of. In the afternoon, he sits and whines a lot at Daemyen and I. He wants to play. I let Daemyen wrestle him the other day. They both enjoyed it. I need to get him a tugging toy. He sleeps on the couch next to me whenever I sit on the couch. Occasionally, he shoves his snout down in the cushions like he is looking for tika. He also pounced the cushions when they were on the floor. Pretty sure he thought he had found Katya. He mauled them for a minute and then sat and whined at them.
At least we are depressed together. I know this is situational. I know (I hope) this is not forever. So, I suppose I just have to wait for something to change. I just have to make it through each day. Until something changes.