Silburygirl's Six Easy Steps to Earning Squees for Your Smut!
Disclaimer: This is intended as a work of parody; no offence is intended. If the Reader should choose to find cause for insult, he and/or she must accept all responsibility for doing so, as the Author-at least as an entity on which to place one's blame-is for all intents and purposes dead. Just ask Oscar Wilde.
Apologies to JK Rowling for purloining her creation and twisting it to my own ends.
Further apologies to a Mr Severus Snape; he has suffered enough already at the hands of Ms Rowling. I promise to make this up to him at some later date.
Ms Hermione Granger doesn’t deserve any of this either, so apologies to her as well.
It has also occurred to me that I ought to inform any virgins stumbling across this that, although it may seem after reading this that abstinence actually is a good idea, I promise that it isn’t this bad in real life.
To everyone else-I hope that you find this experience enlightening, if not entirely enjoyable.
Warnings: Lurid descriptions, poor characterisation, some somewhat unsavoury language, and cringe-worthy smut abounds! (Sometimes referred to as Mature Content.)
Also... thanks to
harmony_bites, who may or may not wish to be associated with this, for the conversation that resulted in the insignificant work intended for comic relief that can be seen below. I'm deeply sorry for letting things go so wildly awry.
1. It is a truth universally acknowledged that two people simply cannot have sex because they want to. Nobody just has sex, unless they can euphemistically be called no better than they ought to be, a lady of the evening, or some other similar term. Ignoring the substantial evidence that can be found in places where alcohol is imbibed all around the world, this is Simply Not Done. Hence and therefore, some plot device must be contrived so that two (or more) characters can enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.
The most obvious of these-at least when dealing with a fantasy world-is to simply invent a handy little spell that forces Character A and Character B to acquire carnal knowledge in as many different positions as possible.
She felt her face flush as she watched him finish rifling through his desk, emerging successfully with a pencil sharpener. What was this flood of emotions running through her? This tingling racing through the capillary network beneath her skin? This deep, raw need aching within her soul?
“O, Severus!” she burst out. “I can bear it no longer! Tell me-what are these feelings burning within me! Why can I not take my eyes from your powerful, masculine jawline?”
“Miss Granger,” he replied austerely, “you know perfectly well that your reaction to my presence is merely a result of the spell that Peter Pettigrew placed on you whilst still in rat form in your second year, intended to awaken your responses to the first male that you came in contact. Rue the night that you were in the corridors as I was on patrol, ducking behind a conveniently located suit of armour! We must be grateful that it did not take hold until now, in your seventh year, when you are still my student but conveniently of age!”
“O, but sir! The indignity of being enspelled thus by Pettigrew! Of all the insults!”
“Indeed, the indignity.”
“At least my eyes did not first land on Ronald-we must be grateful for the small things.”
2. Having now established that Character B feels an irresistible attraction to Character A, the conditions of this particular spell that they are under must be established. They need not be complex; remember that the lowest common denominator must be served at all times.
Hermione knew full well the effects of the Booty-Call Boffo; she had read all about it in Hogwarts: A History, never mind that it wasn’t a text devoted to wandwork. The effects of the hex had a tendency to linger for years, causing the impacted to feel overwhelming attraction to the object of their desire whenever he or she was feeling aroused by said impacted party. The feeling only dissipated, restoring normal thought patterns, when the two (or more) people coupled (or tripled).
Which meant… Her flush deepened. Severus Snape was attracted to her. He wanted her. Right now.
3. Now that the audience is aware who is involved, why they must be involved, and that they must act on their lust in a non-solitary manner, it is time to move on to some specifics. For the purposes of writing smut, a clear picture is required, meaning physical description is of the utmost importance. And remember kids: ugly people don’t have sex.
Severus Snape examined the young witch before him. At some point in the last year, she had left girlhood behind-her hair was no longer an uncontrollable mass, but a tangle of sleek ringlets that coiled their way down her back; she had filled out in all of the important areas; and the heightened colour in her cheeks brought out her fine features.
Almost unwillingly, he brought a long, elegant fingertip to her cheek, but drew back quickly, murmuring his apology in a deep baritone.
*
Hermione knew that he wasn’t attractive by conventional standards, but couldn’t help but find something in the aristocratic arch of his nose, his towering height, and dark, mysterious eyes worth further examination. From her current view, she could tell that his hair was not, in fact, greasy, merely composed of fine strands. His teeth weren’t crooked either-it must be an enchantment that he placed on them to frighten the younger students.
Unconsciously, she drew nearer to him, heart pounding more rapidly until she grew convinced that she would die of a heart attack at seventeen.
4. Going back to my initial point that nobody has sex simply because they want to-in a similar fashion, once two (or more) people are in a position to engage in sexual intercourse, one character (usually male) must always be wracked by guilt and continually ask permission-the issue of whether or not this is, in fact, consent is for another day. This step is necessary because it shows that Character A is not merely in it for the shag; he has Morals and is Caring and Concerned with his partner-to-be’s happiness. Verbosity is a plus, while a noble and self-sacrificing attitude is a lovely finishing touch.
Drawing in a ragged breath, Severus broke the kiss and shoved her away violently. “No! I shall not take advantage of a woman in such a state!”
“But, sir! I want you! I need you!” Oh, baby, baby.
“Miss Granger, you haven’t the faintest idea what need is!”
“I’ve wanted you for years-since before this damned spell took hold of me!”
“Then its effects are longer reaching than either you or I or indeed Dumbledore (Note: Gratuitous Dumbledore reference, showing that he is indeed alive and that the two books that destroyed any hope of this scenario have been ignored.)
“But, sir, would you deny my this chance to be happy, when I have less of a choice in the matter than you! We must do this, or I shall run mad!”
He bowed his head, admiting defeat. “You must know, Miss Granger, that I had hoped that some day we might do this when you wanted me for me, not some cursed spell. I must, however, concede the point. Shall we then continue with our previous activity?”
5. At last we have reached the culminating point of this exercise-although not quite the climax. The climax deserves a step all to itself. Here, it becomes important to emphasise the fact that both parties are incredibly aroused and eager in their actions. Excessive use of exclamation points achieves this nicely. Also, do not be afraid to play free and loose with the poor innocent descriptive and anatomical words that haven’t done anything to hurt you. Like so:
“O Severus!” Hermione gasped, collapsing weakly onto the bed that had mysteriously materialised behind her. “I’ve never felt anything like it!”
He removed his hand from where it had gently-and chastely-rested on her shoulder. “Did you like that?” he murmured huskily. “Because there is more where that came from!”
Before she knew what was happening, her clothes had been torn away, leaving her exposed. She heard a ragged intake of breath rattle in his chest as he surveyed her creamy skin and found herself eyeing his buttons with distaste. So many buttons, so little time. When he leaned over her, she grabbed hold of her collar and ripped.
The previously so repulsive buttons flew in every direction-much to her surprise, she discovered that his frock coat was actually part of a cat suit. He stood with the remains of his clothing bunched around her knees, a stance that she might have found amusing if she hadn’t been so entirely enthralled with the massive, engorged cock that was throbbing at eye level. She was so caught up in watching its movements that she didn’t notice his fingers until they had snuck between her thighs and began stroking her glistening folds.*
“So wet,” he remarked, closing his eyes and grunting as her hand wrapped around his cock.
“What were you expecting-the Sahara?”
“Shut up and fuck me.”
In an act of amazing grace and agility considering that his trousers were now around his ankles, he leapt onto the bed and crouched between her naked, shivering thighs. He let out a long, low moan as he sank himself into the tight, hot walls of her cavern and began thrusting in tandem with her piercing shrieks.
6. Now that they are merrily thrusting, banging, and bludgeoning the night away, we can safely discuss climax. This is the most vital part of the exercise, because it is what the Reader shall walk away remembering. How viscous is his semen? Where does the molten lava of his volcanic eruption land? Does it spray across her supple breasts? Land in her mouth? Dribble enticingly down her chin? Do not, dear friends, be shy when discussing the act of ejaculation-although if she manages to orgasm at the same time, it certainly helps the Female Reader to enjoy the experience more thoroughly.
At some point during the mad thrusting, he had lost the cat suit entirely, which was fortunate as his next movement that broke the steady rhythm involved bring his cock to her mouth. She licked at it greedily, causing him to forget to breathe-it was perhaps due more to this than her actual ministrations that made him go light-headed. As soon as she too it fully into his mouth he felt something surge and his fingers found her clit just as he began spilling his milky white seed into her welcoming orifice.
She tried to moan seductively as she came, but all that was emitted was a low gurgling sound that made him worry she was choking. They had barely collapsed, sated, on the downy mattress before she felt the spell tugging once again at her mind…
*Side note: Boyfriend’s reaction to this phrase was that it made him think of a dead furry animal smeared in Elmer’s Glue. I rather agree. Think of that next time you feel tempted, because Elmer’s Glue-unless you’re sniffing it-really is a mood killer. Especially when you get stuck
Apologies to JK Rowling for purloining her creation and twisting it to my own ends.
Further apologies to a Mr Severus Snape; he has suffered enough already at the hands of Ms Rowling. I promise to make this up to him at some later date.
Ms Hermione Granger doesn’t deserve any of this either, so apologies to her as well.
It has also occurred to me that I ought to inform any virgins stumbling across this that, although it may seem after reading this that abstinence actually is a good idea, I promise that it isn’t this bad in real life.
To everyone else-I hope that you find this experience enlightening, if not entirely enjoyable.
Warnings: Lurid descriptions, poor characterisation, some somewhat unsavoury language, and cringe-worthy smut abounds! (Sometimes referred to as Mature Content.)
Also... thanks to
harmony_bites, who may or may not wish to be associated with this, for the conversation that resulted in the insignificant work intended for comic relief that can be seen below. I'm deeply sorry for letting things go so wildly awry.
1. It is a truth universally acknowledged that two people simply cannot have sex because they want to. Nobody just has sex, unless they can euphemistically be called no better than they ought to be, a lady of the evening, or some other similar term. Ignoring the substantial evidence that can be found in places where alcohol is imbibed all around the world, this is Simply Not Done. Hence and therefore, some plot device must be contrived so that two (or more) characters can enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.
The most obvious of these-at least when dealing with a fantasy world-is to simply invent a handy little spell that forces Character A and Character B to acquire carnal knowledge in as many different positions as possible.
She felt her face flush as she watched him finish rifling through his desk, emerging successfully with a pencil sharpener. What was this flood of emotions running through her? This tingling racing through the capillary network beneath her skin? This deep, raw need aching within her soul?
“O, Severus!” she burst out. “I can bear it no longer! Tell me-what are these feelings burning within me! Why can I not take my eyes from your powerful, masculine jawline?”
“Miss Granger,” he replied austerely, “you know perfectly well that your reaction to my presence is merely a result of the spell that Peter Pettigrew placed on you whilst still in rat form in your second year, intended to awaken your responses to the first male that you came in contact. Rue the night that you were in the corridors as I was on patrol, ducking behind a conveniently located suit of armour! We must be grateful that it did not take hold until now, in your seventh year, when you are still my student but conveniently of age!”
“O, but sir! The indignity of being enspelled thus by Pettigrew! Of all the insults!”
“Indeed, the indignity.”
“At least my eyes did not first land on Ronald-we must be grateful for the small things.”
2. Having now established that Character B feels an irresistible attraction to Character A, the conditions of this particular spell that they are under must be established. They need not be complex; remember that the lowest common denominator must be served at all times.
Hermione knew full well the effects of the Booty-Call Boffo; she had read all about it in Hogwarts: A History, never mind that it wasn’t a text devoted to wandwork. The effects of the hex had a tendency to linger for years, causing the impacted to feel overwhelming attraction to the object of their desire whenever he or she was feeling aroused by said impacted party. The feeling only dissipated, restoring normal thought patterns, when the two (or more) people coupled (or tripled).
Which meant… Her flush deepened. Severus Snape was attracted to her. He wanted her. Right now.
3. Now that the audience is aware who is involved, why they must be involved, and that they must act on their lust in a non-solitary manner, it is time to move on to some specifics. For the purposes of writing smut, a clear picture is required, meaning physical description is of the utmost importance. And remember kids: ugly people don’t have sex.
Severus Snape examined the young witch before him. At some point in the last year, she had left girlhood behind-her hair was no longer an uncontrollable mass, but a tangle of sleek ringlets that coiled their way down her back; she had filled out in all of the important areas; and the heightened colour in her cheeks brought out her fine features.
Almost unwillingly, he brought a long, elegant fingertip to her cheek, but drew back quickly, murmuring his apology in a deep baritone.
*
Hermione knew that he wasn’t attractive by conventional standards, but couldn’t help but find something in the aristocratic arch of his nose, his towering height, and dark, mysterious eyes worth further examination. From her current view, she could tell that his hair was not, in fact, greasy, merely composed of fine strands. His teeth weren’t crooked either-it must be an enchantment that he placed on them to frighten the younger students.
Unconsciously, she drew nearer to him, heart pounding more rapidly until she grew convinced that she would die of a heart attack at seventeen.
4. Going back to my initial point that nobody has sex simply because they want to-in a similar fashion, once two (or more) people are in a position to engage in sexual intercourse, one character (usually male) must always be wracked by guilt and continually ask permission-the issue of whether or not this is, in fact, consent is for another day. This step is necessary because it shows that Character A is not merely in it for the shag; he has Morals and is Caring and Concerned with his partner-to-be’s happiness. Verbosity is a plus, while a noble and self-sacrificing attitude is a lovely finishing touch.
Drawing in a ragged breath, Severus broke the kiss and shoved her away violently. “No! I shall not take advantage of a woman in such a state!”
“But, sir! I want you! I need you!” Oh, baby, baby.
“Miss Granger, you haven’t the faintest idea what need is!”
“I’ve wanted you for years-since before this damned spell took hold of me!”
“Then its effects are longer reaching than either you or I or indeed Dumbledore (Note: Gratuitous Dumbledore reference, showing that he is indeed alive and that the two books that destroyed any hope of this scenario have been ignored.)
“But, sir, would you deny my this chance to be happy, when I have less of a choice in the matter than you! We must do this, or I shall run mad!”
He bowed his head, admiting defeat. “You must know, Miss Granger, that I had hoped that some day we might do this when you wanted me for me, not some cursed spell. I must, however, concede the point. Shall we then continue with our previous activity?”
5. At last we have reached the culminating point of this exercise-although not quite the climax. The climax deserves a step all to itself. Here, it becomes important to emphasise the fact that both parties are incredibly aroused and eager in their actions. Excessive use of exclamation points achieves this nicely. Also, do not be afraid to play free and loose with the poor innocent descriptive and anatomical words that haven’t done anything to hurt you. Like so:
“O Severus!” Hermione gasped, collapsing weakly onto the bed that had mysteriously materialised behind her. “I’ve never felt anything like it!”
He removed his hand from where it had gently-and chastely-rested on her shoulder. “Did you like that?” he murmured huskily. “Because there is more where that came from!”
Before she knew what was happening, her clothes had been torn away, leaving her exposed. She heard a ragged intake of breath rattle in his chest as he surveyed her creamy skin and found herself eyeing his buttons with distaste. So many buttons, so little time. When he leaned over her, she grabbed hold of her collar and ripped.
The previously so repulsive buttons flew in every direction-much to her surprise, she discovered that his frock coat was actually part of a cat suit. He stood with the remains of his clothing bunched around her knees, a stance that she might have found amusing if she hadn’t been so entirely enthralled with the massive, engorged cock that was throbbing at eye level. She was so caught up in watching its movements that she didn’t notice his fingers until they had snuck between her thighs and began stroking her glistening folds.*
“So wet,” he remarked, closing his eyes and grunting as her hand wrapped around his cock.
“What were you expecting-the Sahara?”
“Shut up and fuck me.”
In an act of amazing grace and agility considering that his trousers were now around his ankles, he leapt onto the bed and crouched between her naked, shivering thighs. He let out a long, low moan as he sank himself into the tight, hot walls of her cavern and began thrusting in tandem with her piercing shrieks.
6. Now that they are merrily thrusting, banging, and bludgeoning the night away, we can safely discuss climax. This is the most vital part of the exercise, because it is what the Reader shall walk away remembering. How viscous is his semen? Where does the molten lava of his volcanic eruption land? Does it spray across her supple breasts? Land in her mouth? Dribble enticingly down her chin? Do not, dear friends, be shy when discussing the act of ejaculation-although if she manages to orgasm at the same time, it certainly helps the Female Reader to enjoy the experience more thoroughly.
At some point during the mad thrusting, he had lost the cat suit entirely, which was fortunate as his next movement that broke the steady rhythm involved bring his cock to her mouth. She licked at it greedily, causing him to forget to breathe-it was perhaps due more to this than her actual ministrations that made him go light-headed. As soon as she too it fully into his mouth he felt something surge and his fingers found her clit just as he began spilling his milky white seed into her welcoming orifice.
She tried to moan seductively as she came, but all that was emitted was a low gurgling sound that made him worry she was choking. They had barely collapsed, sated, on the downy mattress before she felt the spell tugging once again at her mind…
*Side note: Boyfriend’s reaction to this phrase was that it made him think of a dead furry animal smeared in Elmer’s Glue. I rather agree. Think of that next time you feel tempted, because Elmer’s Glue-unless you’re sniffing it-really is a mood killer. Especially when you get stuck