From Emptiness To Happiness

Jan 23, 2008 01:03

Another interesting day at the office here in Paris Land, this dreadful amusement park for the decrepit, lonely and lost; the desert within the desert a place where teeth outnumber brain cells (and that is not a good thing I have to say).

Today was a day of computation so to speak a bit of a journey to get away and see something other than what a town of 22,000 people had to offer. Today’s journey would lead us west into Fort Worth to get the “Hell Out Of Dodge” so to speak. My Fiancé had an appointment with her doctor and it was a 2-hour drive to his office and I actually did not mind the trip

The weather was dull and dreary, not a wonderful day for pictures but a way to scout for the next best photo when the time was right. The entire drive, filled with doldrum, water drizzling from the windshield as the blades slung it back and forth from time to time was more than monotonous. I was the one that was driving and to be honest although I was at times drifting off to sleep due to the “drivers hypnosis” but the dried blades screeching upon a mostly dried windshield kept me awake. Then I got into the backup of traffic.

All of a sudden, the sleep turned into rage as car after car begun cutting in front of me as I made my way into Fort Worth. I hate going into the city. For one, I end up getting panic attacks, and second they are coupled with rage that I try to work through by counting and getting my brain to the point where I am working with more of the analytical side rather than the artistic side where the panics and mania are controlled. In this case, the panic and rage were winning.

To see no more than the car in front of your face as you could feel the rage coming up from a manic that was slowly creeping out of your psyche. I could feel a Klonopin moment coming up fast and it wouldn’t be till we got to our destination that I would be away from the wheel and I could totally chill for the first time today so I could get all of this bottled up anxiety and tension that I had deposited upon myself for the past 2 hours.

When we got there, I finally felt like I had swum across the English Channel or ran a marathon. The panics leave you so drained that all you want to do is sleep. As My Fiancé went in to her appointment, I had a chance to rest. The only problem was that every seat in the office was filled with clients waiting to be seen. Not a good thing for someone that has to deal with Mania but also Agoraphobia. I hate crowds and this was the apex of them all for me.

I had a chance to lean my head against the wall while we were there and I know that her appointment lasted for at least 30 minutes but I was able to get myself a bit more centered. Mentally, I needed that beak. Once out of there I asked her to drive because I viewed myself way too worn out to make the drive back … You have to love a woman that will do that for you without thinking twice about it.

When we got as far as Sherman, I asked her if we could make a slight detour into an art store so I could get some supplies and then I had to walk from there to look into a store for something that I had put on layaway. I never gave away what it was until it finally came out. I had bought her an engagement/wedding set back in November and I had put my ring on layaway until I was able to finish paying for it.

The decision for hers was easy. A $1400.00 Diamond ring marked down 60% do you think for a moment that I would pass that up? Therefore, it was my turn. I had ordered and bought the men’s equivalent to match and it was ready for the taking. I do not know who was more excited... She or I. She was dumbfounded when they brought out the tiny little box and watched it being opened for the first time.

The entire trip to Paris was a wonderful one. I think if we had the chance we could have turned out the headlights and gone on by the light that emanated from the inside of the car. It was then that it dawned on me something that I had never thought about before. I decided to share it with her and this was something that I definitely wanted to do.

Never ever had I had a wedding band to signify my relationship, and to quite honestly I enjoyed the thought. This was the one time that I made a commitment to not only someone else but to myself also. This was something that actually changed the way I felt about things.

SIKOLTO
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