On a Dark Christmas Eve 3/3
The ride back to Ianto’s home in Roath was driven in silence, at least on Ianto’s part, that is. Jack, being Jack, talked a mile a minute on a multitude of topics ranging from the weather (grey, overcast, cold) to the new fabric softener Ianto was using on his clothing (clothing that Jack had ‘borrowed’ on his way to the hospital). Throughout the drive, Jack kept casting surreptitious glances at Ianto, trying to determine just how upset the younger man was. Ianto, for his part, was able to effectively tune out most of Jack’s conversation. Instead, his mind played the soundtrack to La Boheme. He shut his eyes as one of the songs hit a particularly impressive crescendo, and leaned his head against the cool glass of the SUV window. His head was pounding, but Owen’s drugs had dulled it down to tolerable levels. He still couldn’t turn his neck much, owing to the stiffness and pain there, but that was fine by him. If he couldn’t turn his head, he couldn’t look at Jack. If he couldn’t look at Jack, he could ignore Jack was even there. Jack finally gave up on attempts at conversation when he parked the SUV outside Ianto’s house. He watched, silently, as Ianto gathered his strength and hobbled from the car to the front door. Jack took a deep breath, rubbed his eyes, and scurried after his …lover?....friend?...really-pissed-off-insert-relationship-title-here. Jack tried to help Ianto out of his coat, but Ianto pulled out of Jack’s grasp. Jack sighed, and moved to block Ianto’s way up the stairs. Ianto rolled his eyes. “I know you have to stay here, Jack,” he said, “But all I want right now is a shower and then to go to bed and sleep off this horrible Christmas. Wake me at New Years.” “Uh-uh, Ianto. I get that you’re pissed at me, but I really have no idea why. You and I are gonna have this out right now,” Jack said, raising a hand and using his most authoritative voice. Ianto glared and Jack. “No.” Ianto was nothing if not always concise. “Yes,” Jack said, trying to guide Ianto to the sofa. Ianto refused to be moved, planting his feet and standing his ground under Jack’s gaze. “I’m the Captain, and I-“ “Fuck you, Jack! This is my home! You stopped being the ‘Captain’ the minute you walked through that door. You want to be Captain? Then go the fuck outside!” Ianto yelled. He pushed a hand to his forehead, trying to stem the throbbing his yelling had caused. “Fine,” Jack ground out. “I’m not the Captain. But something’s bothering you, and I want to know what it is that I’ve obviously done!” Ianto glared at him. “What you’ve done? You honestly have no idea?!” Jack shook his head in the negative. Ianto threw his hands in the air, stomping away from Jack. He leaned against the sofa, desperately trying to take strength from its solid presence. He turned around slowly. “It’s Christmas, Jack. It’s the first Christmas in two years that I haven’t spent in the hospital either recovering from Cyberman wounds or in the Hub’s basement trying to save my girlfriend. It’s the first Christmas in longer than I can count that I’ve actually had someone I wanted to spend it with. We had plans, Jack. We had fucking plans. And I could have forgiven it if it was something Torchwood- Weevils or an invasion or something. But no. You decided to kill yourself and leave your body for me to find. In my car, I might add. Thank you, Jack.” Jack smiled. Irrational anger he could understand. But this, this was just a misunderstanding. This he could fix. “I didn’t kill myself, Ianto. I stayed with John, to give him strength. That’s all.” Ianto snorted and advanced towards Jack. “Don’t you dare, Jack Harkness. You only wanted to give him strength? He didn’t need your strength! You didn’t mean to kill yourself? How many times did you wake up and die again? How many?!” Jack swallowed. “I…uh…it doesn’t matter, does it?” “Yes it bloody does!” Ianto yelled, throwing his arms in frustration. “If all you meant to do was ‘give him strength’ then you could have left after he died. Every time you woke, you could have taken a step or two towards the garage door. You could have used your comm. to call me. You could have done something! But no! You stayed in the car! You let yourself die over and over again! And you let me find you! Don’t you dare deny it, you knew I’d find you! How cruel can you be?” “I’m not cruel,” Jack roared. “And you have no idea! Maybe I wanted to die! Maybe I saw myself in him! You have no clue what it’s like to live forever, to lose everyone you love!” Jack never saw the punch, but he felt it after. He looked up, sprawled across the stairs, at Ianto glaring over him, desperately trying to reign in his anger. “I have no idea what it’s like to lose everyone? Me?” Ianto laughed cruelly. “I’ve lived through Cybermen and Daleks. Cannibals and a girlfriend who tried to kill me. Everyone, everyone, I ever loved is dead. I watched all my friends die! I climbed over their bodies, bits of their bodies, to get to Lisa. And then I carried Lisa back over their bodies! I took Lisa back to our flat and guess what I found? My Tad and Step-Mam, lying on the floor, staring at me, deleted! Don’t you dare tell me I don’t know what it’s like!” Jack just stared at Ianto, his mouth open. He knew what Ianto had gone through, but Ianto had never spoken so forcefully about it before, and he’d certainly never called Jack on it. Ianto deflated. He sighed and choked back a sob. Rubbing his eyes, he stepped past Jack to head upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he turned back. “You know what, Jack? I don’t care. I really don’t. You want to be all obnoxious and self-centered, fine. Go ahead. But do it somewhere else with someone who doesn’t understand. Go find yourself a nice innocent fuck. I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed. Be gone when I get out.” With that, Ianto headed to the bathroom. A few moments later, Jack, still on his back on the steps, heard the water running. He sat there, inert, head in his hands, trying desperately to figure out how the day had gotten so out of hand. Standing in the shower, leaning against the tile, Ianto tried not to let the events overtake him. He wasn’t successful. He cried, for John, for Lisa, for Jack, for himself, happy the water washed away his tears. He didn’t hear Jack pull back the shower door, and jumped, painfully twisting his neck, when he felt Jack against his back. Jack winced when he saw Ianto twist his neck. He reached around, wrapping his arms around Jack’s waist. He buried his face in Ianto’s neck, smelling the musk of Ianto’s shower gel. He felt Ianto stiffen in his arms and try to pull away, but he kept his hold tight. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. Ianto almost couldn’t hear him over the shower. “You’re right. I wanted to die. I did. And…maybe I wanted you to find me, I don’t know. I do know that I like it when I wake up and you’re there. I’m sorry I died and I’m sorry I ruined your car and I’m sorry I ruined Christmas and I’m sorry you got hurt. Just please, don’t make me go.” He felt Ianto’s stance soften. “I don’t want you to go,” Ianto whispered just as softly. “I just…I don’t know if I can keep doing this, Jack. I never meant for this to be more than sex, but-“ “I know,” Jack nodded against Ianto’s skin. “Neither did I. Guess we both screwed that up, huh?” “I don’t know what I want from you, Jack.” “Me neither.” “But believe me when I say this, I don’t need you to survive. If you do something like this again, I will make you leave. Trust me, Jack. I can’t…I can’t be the one who keeps finding you after your suicides. I just….I can’t do that over and over….Dying in battle to protect people I can understand, but….I just can’t…” Ianto broke. “I know. And I’m sorry. I won’t keep doing this to you. Just don’t make me go.” “I mean it Jack. Believe me, I survived without you before, I can do it again. It’ll be hard, and it’ll hurt like hell, but I’m not someone who’ll fall apart without you.” Ianto said, turning his body into Jack’s chest. “I know you’re not. I like that about you. My strong Ianto,” Jack chuckled, looking down at Ianto. “You’re all pruny. Let’s get you out of here and into bed?” Ianto nodded against Jack’s neck. Jack fidgeted in Ianto’s bedroom, anxiously waiting to see if Ianto would invite him to bed. He smiled as Ianto pulled back the covers of Jack’s ‘side’. Snuggling down next to Ianto, Jack whispered, “I’m sorry your Christmas was ruined.” “S’okay, Jack. Next year, yeah?” Ianto muttered sleepily. Jack grinned at the obvious effects of Owen’s drugs. Now that Ianto’s anger had abated, they were starting to really kick in. “How ‘bout I make it up to you at New Years?” Jack asked. “There’s this party Buckingham Palace's hosting; they asked if I’d come. I was gonna bring Owen, get him out of whatever funk he’s in now. How about if you come too? Great hotel, good, food, great liquor, pretty women and handsome men….” “Jack,” Ianto began, “I know about the party. I RSVP’d for you, remember? And I’d love to come, thank you. I’ve been meaning to speak to the Queen about that new Rolls Royce she bought.” Jack smiled. “I’ll call them tomorrow then. Get some sleep, ok?” Ianto chuckled. “I’ll sleep, but I’ll call tomorrow. Last time you spoke to anyone at the Palace, we found up getting our budget cut in half. Took me a month to get back in Her Majesty’s favour again.” Jack kissed the dark purple bruise spreading from Ianto’s neck to his ear. “Fine by me. Never met anyone so restrained as Bonny Prince Charlie.” Ianto didn’t hear him as he was already asleep.