Alone........ Part II
The continuation of my Jake & Heath RPS, Alone......
It hadn’t taken long - ten days maybe - before reality had hit them dead center. Heath had had his first close call leaving Jake’s trailer at four in the morning, then later that same day he’d overheard some speculation about the love scenes, someone wondering how much they were having to fake it. The gossip had been between some workers in the mess tent, no one who would ever talk to the press, but it hadn’t mattered to Heath. Everything had changed instantly, and regardless of what Jake had said, Heath couldn’t get past it, couldn’t subdue his fears of ruining the movie, of embarrassing his family and destroying his career. When Michelle had fallen into his lap, literally, he’d grabbed onto her like a lifeline and refused to let go, leaving Jake to flounder on his own.
But not really alone, not totally, because the fire they’d lit that very first day by the mountain stream refused to be extinguished by gossip or neglect, other lovers or even time. Like the love between Jack and Ennis, it had been coldly pushed to the back burner, but it simmered there all the same, unwanted by either man at times, but a living thing on its own, unstoppable.
In the beginning, Jake had fought him, furious when he’d seen their first look catch and take hold, sick when he’d heard them giggling and flirting between takes. When he’d rounded a corner and surprised them kissing, that had done it for him. He’d shut Heath down cold at that very moment - their friendship and their affair stopped dead in their tracks in a colossal fire storm later that night in Heath’s trailer.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he’d yelled, trying desperately to stave off the tears with anger because he didn’t want him to know how bad he hurt.
“Nothing,” Heath had answered, calm in the beginning, hoping to talk him out of it. “I’m just flirting with her... It means nothing, Jake, will just take some of the heat off us.”
“What heat? You heard one stupid rumor, for Christ’s sake. I can’t believe that you, of all fucking people.... Mr. Goddamned Independent I Don’t Give a Shit What Anybody Thinks Ledger.... would let something like gossip rule your fucking life!”
Heath’s own anger had flared at Jake’s insulting tone, which was what Jake had wanted, hadn’t wanted to take a chance on letting Heath sweet talk him around to his way of thinking.... Back then, he’d thought - stupidly - that he might still have a chance to move on and forget him... Back then he’d thought it was just another love affair gone wrong..... “It’s not ruling my fucking life, asshole! I’m just trying to be careful, something you don’t seem to give a shit about doing! And maybe it doesn’t matter to you... maybe Mummy and Daddy will be able to dig you out of whatever fucking mess you get yourself into, but it isn’t that way for me. I’m all I’ve got over here and I don’t want to fuck it up!”
Furious, Jake had gotten right up in his face and shouted, “My Mummy and Daddy have their own careers to worry about. I don’t need them bailing me out of any fucking thing. That’s just bullshit, Heath!”
“Yeah, well maybe it’s bullshit to throw your career away on a piece of ass, too! Ever think about that?” Heath had yelled back, red-faced, shoving his shoulder with rough anger.
“No, but I will! Every day from now on out, I fucking promise you that,” Jake had retorted in a hard, cold voice, and he’d stormed out of the trailer, slammed the door so hard it had broken the latch but he’d only heard about that later......
Weeks later, long weeks that Jake had grieved through, heart-sick and miserable, because after the fire of anger had passed, sadness had soaked him through to his soul, and in spite of the romance he saw blooming right before his eyes, he also caught Heath’s dead-eyed stares when he thought no one was looking. He was suffering too. So he hadn’t been surprised that Friday night to be woken long after midnight by a knock on his trailer door. Heath had pushed past him, not waiting for the invitation that wouldn’t have been offered anyway.
“I can’t stand this.” He’d gone straight to the cabinet where Jake had kept his booze, poured two fingers of Grey Goose in a coffee cup.
“Too bad, dude. You made your fucking choice. She makes you look like a man. I make you look like a freak. It’s a no-brainer,” Jake had shouted at him, bitter words spewing angrily, no thoughts to cover up his feelings any more than he’d thought to cover up his nakedness, because he wasn’t that way, not any longer. His short time with Heath had taught him one thing... that he didn’t want to hide.
“There’s gotta be a way around this.” Heath had thrown the vodka back in one neat gulp, gone for a refill.
“There is, but you haven’t got the balls to take it.”
“I need my career, Jake. This is what I’ve been working for since I was ten years old. This is all I’ve got!”
“Then why are you even here? We already had this conversation, Heath! You can have her and your career. Or, I’m willing to be your piece of ass in public. I’m even willing to leave your ass out of it so you can keep on being the big Aussie stud and I’ll be your pretty boy fuck queen. But I am not gonna be your fuckin’ dirt, Heath. If you can’t own up to me in public, forget it!”
“What the fuck ever happened to people having fuckin’ privacy, Jake? Why does everyfuckingbody have to know?”
“Because we’re fucking movie stars, Heath... we’re lucky if we get to take a shit in private. Besides that, you fuckin’ dumped my ass for her! Have you forgotten that already?”
“No! Shit! I just felt so fuckin’ trapped! It seemed like the safest thing to do.” Heath had flopped down on Jake’s sofa, head in his hands, obviously suffering but Jake had done enough suffering on his own, alone in his trailer, on the set listening to them whispering, watching them touch....... He was fresh out of sympathy for Heath, full of hate and bitterness for what had been given so freely for such a short time, then cut clean away.
“You did this yourself, motherfucker! You’re such a fucking coward!” Jake had hurled at him, disgusted with how much it hurt even after so many weeks of trying to stamp it out.
Heath had surged off the sofa and ran at him then, grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him back into the wall, a move they’d practiced well. “Yeah, I know! I’m all kinds of a fucked-up loser and I’m sorry as hell but I fucking love you Jake and I can’t help it.... I can’t have you but I can’t fucking let you go either!”
And that was the night that Jake had decided to settle, because he loved him too, more than he’d ever thought about loving Kirstin, more than he loved himself or his peace of mind or even the idea of ever being happy with anyone else. When Heath had left his bed that morning well before dawn, Jake had cursed himself for giving in, but he’d had no choice. What was between them was stronger than anything else.
That night had started Jake’s slow slide into hell as he and Heath had resumed their affair, stealing minutes together, reveling in hours, until the movie was done and they’d had no more opportunities, and Heath had taken her off with him to Australia while Jake had moved on, more alone than before, but not nearly as alone as he would eventually be.
February in Australia..... The room was almost dark now.... but it was sunset outside, and Jake pushed himself off the bed, walked weak-kneed through the gloom to the giant window with its glorious beach view. He slid open the curtains, then the glass itself and stepped out onto the balcony. The tide was coming in, the roar of the ocean hypnotic........ What would it be like to drown there, he wondered, but he knew he couldn’t do it, wouldn’t.... It wouldn’t put them together again, would only hurt them both more, because he was sworn now, sworn to take care of the baby he’d always loved in spite of what she’d cost him, the child that Heath had given to him, his one open show of the love they’d kept secret for so long. The seagulls screamed as they soared over the water, echoing the cries of his heart as he remembered those days.
They’d been in Jake’s hotel room in New York. Heath had flown in, for a meeting he’d said, but he’d headed straight for Jake’s room from the airport, and they hadn’t left for two days, until Heath had been forced to fly back to the set.
“She’s pregnant.”
“Congratulations.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Why not? It’s obviously what you want. You know how all that shit works.” Jake had wanted to scream and punch holes in the wall, but what was the point? He had choices, but he wasn’t making them. He was living this life on purpose, no one to blame but himself.
“I want the baby.”
“Then have the baby. I’m not trying to talk you out of it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? Just out of curiosity.”
“For being such a chicken shit.”
“At least you know yourself.”
“I want you to be it’s godfather.”
That had caught him off guard. “What the fuck? Are you on something?”
Heath had stood firm. “No. I love you. I know you love me, and you’ll love my child. If something were to happen, and I couldn’t be there anymore, it would mean everything to me to know that you’re there instead.”
“I want to be there alongside!”
“I know, I’m sorry, I’m fucking sorry as shit, Jake, but please, just do this for me......” He’d cried then, something Jake had only seen him do once before in their time together, and even though he’d cursed him, he’d held him close and sworn to be there, knowing all along that he’d never have to be because Heath was young and strong and was going to live forever. He’d even said as much to Heath.
“Yeah, maybe, but who the fuck knows, you know? People walk out of their houses everyday planning dinners they never get to eat. You live till you die, man. You got no guarantees.”
For some reason, that had hit home. “How long are you in town for?”
“Two days.”
“They’re mine.” Jake kissed away a tear. “Stay with me. We’ll live like we’re dying.”
Heath had smiled for the first time since he’d come to Jake’s room. “Yeah. Let’s.”
That attitude had gotten them through the months that followed, the talk shows and other appearances, Michelle’s pregnancy, Heath’s obvious love for her and her adoration of him cutting Jake to the core time after time, but still, Heath came to him every chance he got, swearing that he needed him still and that Michelle didn’t know.
One of those nights, when summer was gone and fall was coming and Michelle was big with the child, lying in tangled sheets tainted with come and sweat and God knew what else, Jake had forced the question. “You love her, don’t you?”
Heath had rolled into him, wrapped one arm tight around Jake’s rock hard belly before he answered. “Yes.”
“Then why are we even doing this? You’ve got a fucking family now, Heath. She’s about to make you a daddy, it’s obvious she fucking worships the ground you walk on, you love her too.... Why not just cut me loose and live the life, man?”
“You don’t think I haven’t thought that same thing a million times?”’
“Then what the fuck’s holding you back? And don’t give me some shit about how you just can’t quit me, ‘cause I’ll fucking black your eye if you do!”
“You ever try to cut out your soul, Jake?”
Jake had pulled away from him then, crawled out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. “Oh shit! Don’t make it worse than bad movie dialogue.”
“You didn’t think it was bad when we were making the movie.”
“No, but that was before I’d heard every fucking fool in America saying it. That shit gets old in a hurry,” Jake had grumbled, wrenching on the shower, ready to wash off all the bullshit once and for all.
“Yeah, and so will this, probably.”
“What?” Jake had asked, confused, because Heath had just admitted they were in love.
“Get real, Jake,” Heath had called out. “How long do we have? How long can me and her possibly last?”
Jake had turned the water off and gone back into the bedroom. Heath had been sprawled out on the bed still, touching himself. His hands never rested. “I don’t know. You’re what? Twenty-five? Almost twenty-six. You’ll probably live at least another fifty years... Marry her now and we can start planning your Golden Wedding Anniversary!” Jake had turned back to the bathroom, pissed that he’d even come out for that.
“Fuck that, Jakehole!” That had been Heath’s nickname for him when they fought. He’d actually saved a message on his phone where Heath had called him that, one of his rare calls just a few weeks before the end of the world. How fucked up would it be to save it forever, he wondered. “You know we’ve got five years max. That’s as long as anyone lasts in this business.”
“Are you fuckin’ retarded?” Jake shouted from the bathroom, giving up on the shower and settling for a washcloth instead. “Some people actually do rise above it all and make it, Heath. You guys could do it if you really wanted to!”
“Is that what you want, then? For me to go away and make my life with her?”
Jake hadn’t answered right away, had stayed calm while the water ran hot, then soaped his rag and washed his dick and everywhere else that was close. Even though he’d worn a condom, the residue got everywhere and the lube too...... Sex was so messy...... Maybe this time he really needed to be clean...... Maybe for once he needed to make a sacrifice.
He’d washed until his skin began to sting, then threw the rag on the floor and turned off the water. Heath was still on the wide bed when he’d returned to the bedroom, drinking a beer, looking relaxed, but the question of their future was still out there and they’d both known it.
Jake had stayed as far away from him as he could when he answered, heart breaking with every word but knowing it was the right thing. It wasn’t the baby’s fault. She deserved the best Heath could give her, and that meant nothing left for him. “Yeah. I think that’s what you should do. If you really love Michelle, then you owe it to them both to try. ”
“Fuck!”
“We just did. For the last time.”
“No.”
“Yes. You want this baby, Heath. You’ll make a great dad and Michelle will make a great mom. I truly believe that, but it’s a shitload of work, Heath. You don’t need me anymore. It’s time to move on.” Those were the hardest words he’d ever spoken, and looking back now, the ones that filled him with the most regret, because it was obvious now that they were never meant to be apart.
But how was he to know? He’d loved Heath with all his heart, all his soul, all his very being. He’d thought that meant loving him enough to let go, loving him enough to let him have the life that he’d clearly chosen for himself. And at first, he’d been rewarded for his sacrifice, because although he was dying inside, it seemed that Heath and his family were flourishing. Heath took to the Daddy thing like a duck to water. Jake had stayed away mostly, only doing a couple of command performances to make his godfather role official. To keep himself busy, he’d struck up a Three Muskateers-like friendship with Matt and Lance, biking and partying around the country, leaning on Chris whenever he was really down because Chris knew all and judged none. He’d allowed himself to be photographed in spandex whenever possible, his one small jab at his former lover because Heath had loved his body.
Life went on. Projects came up, Matilda grew, Jake became an uncle. For a while, Heath’s chosen life had shone golden, but as time passed Jake had noticed cracks around the edges.... Things were changing. Heath and Michelle both began to look haggard and run down, sometimes even dirty in the prying paparazzi shots that Heath despised. Even staged photos weren’t so perfect anymore. Through it all, he and Heath had continued to email each other occasionally, but their communication was iffy at best. Phone calls were down to zero. Jake had cut the ties for real after they’d given each other up in favor of Heath’s family - he’d had to if their separation had any chance of holding up. Heath had played along, so personal news was sporadic at best. Their friendship - tied as it was to their love - had had to go on ice along with everything else.
Jake had watched and wondered, but he’d held back from getting in touch. Until he got the email.
“Now it’s my turn to ask. Do you love her?”
That’s all it had said. They weren’t even out yet, had been keeping it a secret, denying everything because of her kids and her divorce and her image which had to be fucking perfect regardless, which might not’ve bothered him so much if he hadn’t already been carrying such a load of baggage about that very same issue. Why was he never good enough?
“Maybe. She’s perfect. Her kids are perfect. Her career is perfect. She gets me. She doesn’t know about you. I never told her any of that.
I gotta have a life, Heath.
How’s yours. You look like shit. L, JH”
He got his answer two weeks later.
“It sucks. I think we’re gonna split up. I told you it would never last. Don’t know why the fuck I ever listened to you in the first place!”
Jake had answered that right away.
“That’s bullshit, Heath, and you know it! If you’d listened to me in the first goddamned place, we’d be sitting on some beach right now talking about finding some woman to knock up so we could have a kid of our own! You were the one who fuckin’ ran scared! I just backed off so you could have some room to breathe.”
The reply came back....
“IMHO, breathin’s highly overrated these days, my friend. My life fuckin’ sucks!”
Jake sent back immediately....
“What the fuck? You’re working, right? Isn’t that what you wanted most? That and your kid? What the hell’s your problem, Heath?”
Heath replied....
“Me and Michelle are ditchin’ it. It’s just not working out. We’re gonna hate each other if we don’t move on. Are you engaged to her?”
Jake.....
“No, fuck no, she just got a divorce. But we’ve been talking, you know....... I want a life, man.”
Heath........
“You want a life, or you want a kid? And be honest.... I know you.”
Jake.....
“Yeah, ok fine...... so I want a kid. So what? But she’s great too. I’ve been settling for a long time, Heath. I’ve kinda gotten used to it.
Are you ok? I read the news about you guys in fucking People magazine, thanks a hell of a lot.”
Heath.......
“You already knew. It sucks, man. Everything sucks right now. I could shit a Oscar tomorrow morning and not be happy. Just going through some bad times, I guess.
Wish I could see you.”
Jake, drunk......
“See me or fuck me? Or me fuck you?”
Heath.....
“Yeah. But I’m sick now, shit, got fucking pneumonia, and I promised my folks I’d go see them for the holidays. I wanna see you though, for real. Maybe in January.”
Jake.....
“You think you can even work me in between all the women?”
Heath.......
“Don’t believe every fucking thing you read.”
January came, but it didn't bring Heath back to him, oh no.... January did the unthinkable, the undoable, the absolute worst. January took Heath away from him forever.
Jake stared with wet eyes at the paper in his hand, listened to the seagulls cry and the ocean heave tears upon the sand as Heath’s family and friends commemorated his life in the distant waters, the sun falling down on another broken day as he read again the awful truth that he so did not want to believe........ Join us in a memorial celebration to honor the life of our beloved Heathcliff Andrew Ledger, born April 4, 1979, gone too soon, January 22, 2008.....
For Part III, click here. http://sienata.livejournal.com/61198.html#cutid1
This is a beautiful song by Leann Rimes. I think it's fitting for this story. Thanks for reading. I'll be back when I can be, hopefully soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBFlNBsvyxI