Alone....... Part I
I mentioned a while back that I was working on an RPS piece. Here it is. This is not related to anything I’ve written before. It’s a semi-realistic love story (with all that might entail) dealing with Jake’s heartbreak after Heath’s death if they’d fallen in love while filming BBM. M & M are mentioned, and there are allusions to other real people as well. This is all born from my sadness, and although I’ve tried to stick to a few facts, it is, as always, just a fantasy. Please feel free to skip it if you’re not in the mood.
As he lay on his hotel bed, eyes dry and burning, throat sore from choking back tears when he couldn’t stand to cry a minute longer, as he lay there wishing it was him instead, Jake let his mind go free at last, gave up pretending it wasn't true and started going back to remember things... moments in their separate lives that had brought him to this point, this bleak, empty place where he no longer had any hope, where his only choice was to go on alone. Because no matter who he was with, regardless of what he did, without Heath in the world, he was alone.
He drifted back to that first time, that crazy, scary time when he’d realized that maybe he wasn’t alone.... He and Heath had been doing some preliminary rehearsing on the first tent scene, working on the choreography, for Christ’s sake, and they’d both gotten way too into it. Jake had called for a break and pulled his leading man off to the side.
“What the hell was that, Heath?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Heath had answered, mumbling like Ennis already and shuffling his feet.
But Jake wasn’t fooled, wasn’t buying Heath's lie for a second, and he had no interest in playing games with what was going on between them. “You know exactly what I’m talking about, Heath. You fucking got off during that last take! What the hell? Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
“It was nothing, man... just a thing. Don’t worry about it.” But Jake could see in his face that it wasn’t nothing. It was something.
They’d put it away for the time being because they’d had to, got their shit together and carried on as best they could, but the looks that passed between them grew heated and the cold mountain smoldered whenever they were on it.
They’d broken that very first weekend, each knowing what they were doing even though they didn’t plan it, didn’t talk about it at all ahead of time. They’d just decided to go riding that Saturday morning, to anyone that asked saying they wanted to work on Jack and Ennis, but they’d both come prepared with condoms and lube, and Jack and Ennis had barely spoken a word before Jake and Heath took over.
Looking back, Jake knew that that day had been the beginning of the end of everything for him. He’d experimented with other guys before, but it had always been just that - experimenting. He’d never let himself go, never gotten lost in the feelings of want and need till he couldn’t stop, couldn’t even think the word no. No one had ever mattered before. Later, on bad days, lonely days, he would hate Heath for taking him to that place where he could no longer deny what he needed. Oblivion had been so nice but it was gone.... Who the fuck was he to lay bare all the secrets Jake had been so happy keeping from himself all those years.
But he was who he was.... simple, yet unendingly complex..... a beautiful poet who could inhabit the soul of beings who didn’t even exist, so of course he could inhabit Jake’s soul, and he did, filled him up with his essence that very first day and try as he might to shake him, Jake was never without him again. Not till now.
They’d spent that first day in the open air, sprawled out on a grassy spot by a cold mountain stream. Heath had been nervous but eager, and Jake had let him take the lead because it seemed to steady him.
“Everybody said I was a fool to take this job,” Heath had said with a nervous laugh, covering old ground.
“Yeah. Me too. But what the hell, you know?”
“That’s what I said. Fuck a romantic comedy... Ten things I hate about making movies,” he’d laughed again, more real that time. “Most of ‘em have already been made a million times. Damn sure can’t say that about this one.”
Jake had smiled at him then, his Jack Twist sexy I want you grin, because it was already stirring in him just that fast, the need to know if it would be as unbelievable as he imagined. Later, he would sometimes wonder... if the thing between them had been less incendiary, maybe Heath wouldn’t have freaked out so badly. Maybe he wouldn’t have turned to her so quickly and they could’ve had more time to work things out and find a way through the maze of careers and judgments and expectations.
But that wasn’t the way it had played out. It had been instant fire and passion between them, raging out of control from the very first touch. The scene that they’d shot later, Jack and Ennis’ first night together as lovers, had nothing on their actual first time, a time Jake remembered as clear as yesterday... bittersweet always, now sharp and mocking with regret for what could’ve been but was lost forever, just like the only man he’d ever loved..... everything gone in a spectacular, heart-breaking flame-out that Jake had sensed in the end yet been helpless to prevent.
“You ever done this before?” Heath had asked that day almost four years ago, an almost innocent air about him as he’d slid across the grass, closing the small gap between them till Jake could smell his breath and see the flecks of gold and black in his chocolate brown eyes.
“A little. I’ve played around some,” Jake had admitted, his breath already catching, the blood rush of desire fast and dizzying.... What he didn’t confess to then was how totally different he felt from those other times, the need surging in him more powerful than anything he’d experienced before, as strong as the pull of the ocean, as unstoppable as the march of time....
“Me too.... a little.” Heath had looked at him, just stared into his eyes for a long, tense minute, and Jake wondered later if Heath had seen right off how it was going to be, maybe even tried to find the will to resist it. Had Heath known even before their first kiss that what was between Jack and Ennis was between them too? That the lines between real and make believe were about to be blurred forever by a love that would last for all time, even after death?
He’d often wondered later if Heath would’ve kept going that day if he’d known how things between them would eventually unfold. On the heels of that thought, Jake always wondered if he himself would’ve continued on if he’d had any inkling of how things would go.... If his need to save himself would’ve been stronger than his need for Heath. He liked to wonder, but at the same time, he knew.
The movie kisses had been unavoidable, but they might have been able to rein them in under the watchful eyes of Ang, the camera and crew, might have been able to keep them more like work, less like unquenchable fire..... Yeah, or maybe if it had rained that day, or they’d had a meeting or one of them had needed fucking groceries, for Christ’s sake, they would’ve been spared. But no, it had happened, under a cloudless sky on the banks of a rushing stream that warm spring afternoon, with no one watching and nothing stopping them but the limits of their feelings and imaginations, the wildfire had ignited at their very first touch, burning them both down to the essence, leaving each with scars that would never heal and a pain that would never fade away.
So close, yet they’d stared at each other for what seemed like hours, the tension coiling tighter with every second till Jake felt like he might explode if Heath didn’t do something. Heath, like Ennis, somehow the controlling force even though they were neither one any more experienced than the other, so it was the blind leading the blind.... Jake knew where he wanted to go, but he was willing to go wherever Heath led, almost fainted with happiness when Heath had finally edged even closer and whispered, “I want to kiss you.”
“Then do,” was all he’d had the chance to say before he was flat on his back with Heath climbing on top of him, his mouth full of wet Aussie tongue, the taste like the breath he’d been breathing, those deep brown eyes so close he could see the tiny golden tips of his lashes. Heath had buried his hands in Jake’s hair... Jake had sent his own hands straight down to Heath’s ass, and the kissing had quickly turned manic, fueled by their grinding as Jake had thrust and bucked up into Heath, rubbing their cocks together through their jeans.....
“Oh God, Jake...... What the fuck?” Heath had panted as he writhed against him, confusion mixed up with lust in his voice.
“Shit I don’t know.... I just wanna come......”
“Me too, don’t think I can stop goddamn......”
“Don’t try... just go with it....”
“In our pants?”
“Fuck yeah....”
“Jesus... I feel like a fuckin’ high schooler on a first date!” Heath had said, his words coming out in rhythmic bursts in sync with his pumping.
Jake had squeezed his butt cheeks harder..... “Feel like a man to me!”
Heath had slowed for a beat, asked, “Is that what you like to feel, Jake? A man on top of you?”
“It is now.....” Jake had admitted, knowing then that what Heath was giving him was better than anything he could ever have with a woman, could replace all of that forever........
Heath had thrust harder, muttered “Oh shit!” into the side of Jake’s neck....
“Me too......” Jake had whispered back as the clench in his gut began to unfurl at last in waves of pleasure.....
Their words had given way to mindless noise as they came, grinding hard till the hot, sweet end, kissing and biting each others’ mouths, clinging tight, long man-fingers biting in at any spot they could find as waves of pleasure rolled through them.
“Damn...” After the initial explosion subsided, Heath had thrown himself down onto his back in the tender grass, rubbing his belly, then higher as his restless hands roamed up his body to scrub at his face and head. “Shit.”
Jake had missed him immediately... his touch and his weight... It had been too long since he’d been with anyone, had still been coming off the broken-hearted dry spell that Kirstin had left in her wake when he’d arrived in Canada. His young man’s body and lusty libido were just waking up to this new thing, so unexpected in its power, this sex that was more intoxicating than anything he’d ever had before. He didn’t want to stop, wanted to pull Heath back on top of him and go at it again, only this time he wanted it to end differently. This time he wanted to feel Heath inside of him.
“You ain’t sayin’ nothin’.... You ok?” Heath had asked, sounding more like Ennis by the second, making Jake wonder if Heath even knew the difference between himself and the ranch hand he was bringing to life. He’d heard that Heath could disappear into a character, but he’d thought that was just for the cameras...... surely it didn’t carry off set as well.
Jake turned his head, saw Heath squinting at him, looking curious and uncertain but still sprawled unashamed all over the grass. Surely Ennis would be halfway down the mountain by now if he found himself faced with this sort of confrontation in sober daylight. “Yeah.... I’m ok.” I already want you again, he’d thought but didn’t say because, even though they’d become friends, he still wasn’t sure how far Heath wanted to go, nor was he sure how far out he wanted to hang his pride and his heart the very first day. If this really was all about Heath’s need to inhabit Ennis completely, Jake had no such inclination to follow Jack into hell. He’d go slow and see. Right......
“Damn......”
Jake had grinned at him, playing it cool. “You said that already.”
Heath had sighed, grinned back, relaxing some, head falling back to stare up into the bright blue sky. “I know, but shit....”
“You said that too.”
“Fine. Fuck you! You’re the fancy Hollywood star. You think of something brilliant to say.”
Jake had lost all interest in pride then, the way Heath was looking at him like he’d just touched Heaven and didn’t know what to do with himself... He’d uttered the only words he could think of... “Come back here....”
Heath had seemed surprised for about half a second, but when Jake had reached out for him he’d come eagerly, his mouth opening for their kiss as his eyes clouded over with need again and his hands went searching for skin to touch. Their kisses had been slow and easy that second time...... at least in the beginning... but the fire had rekindled steadily as they’d peeled off grass-stained shirts and come-sticky jeans till they were naked, Heath’s smooth golden skin sliding against Jake’s pale, well-furred body.... touching, tasting, discovering... love words drifting up and away as they played..... “Perfect....” “Yeah......” “You like?” “Harder...” “Yeah, right there....” “Oh... God......” “More...” “Please...”
“Oh fuck I need it!” was the last thing Jake had said before he’d snagged a condom from his wallet and rolled it down Heath’s shaft, worked the lube up and down, Heath’s breathy moans like angel cries, beautiful and irresistible...... Jake lay back and drew Heath down between his spread thighs.
“Like this?” Heath had asked, still unsure, hovering above him, searching his face.
“Yeah..... this is good..... we can kiss....” Jake hadn’t known much about the mechanics of it all back then and he hadn’t really cared, just knew he liked Heath kissing him, wanted that to be a part of their first time, not like what Ennis had given Jack, a rough, careless fuck on the cold, hard ground.
“Mmmm....... good thinking....” Heath had tried it, lay down almost on top of him and kissed him, and as they’d kissed their bodies had settled into place and his cock nudged at Jake, ready to go. Heath rocked against him a couple of times, then pulled back, breath coming fast as he muttered, “Oh yeah, this is really good....... You ready?”
It was time, way too late to back out, and he hadn’t wanted to anyway. Even now, looking back with years and knowledge, sitting alone with the salt of his own tears burning his skin, he knew that he wouldn’t change a thing about that day......
“Ready as I’ll ever be........”
“I’ll go slow.”
“Just do it.”
“You sound like a Nike commercial,” Heath had joked, and they’d both been laughing during those first few seconds when he’d entered him.
“Oh shit!”
“Does it hurt?” Heath had asked, his gravelly voice sounding like he might be in pain as well.
“A little.”
“Should I stop?”
“No.....” Jake squirmed beneath him, having read enough to know that the angle of entry was key...
Heath rocked his hips, inching in, but it still wasn’t right and Jake couldn’t keep his discomfort off his face. “Is it really bad?”
“No... it’s just so tight!”
“No fucking shit!” Heath had stopped pushing. “How about some more lube?”
“’K... maybe that’ll help.”
Heath had grinned at him again, reached up and tweaked his nipple. “Can’t hurt.” He’d pulled back some and Jake felt an emptiness where he’d been, then the cool liquid trickling around his asshole and Heath’s long fingers smearing it around, brushing his flesh where it was pulled tight and stretched to bursting because his head was still in..... Just his touch was making it better already.... “Shit Heath, come on!” Jake had knocked the lube away and pulled him back down, pushing up with his hips until he’d made up the ground they’d lost when Heath had pulled out.
“Oh fuck, Jake, be still..... I’m about to fucking lose it as it is, man..... ”
“Yeah, me too....” Jake had answered, pushing back, ready for more, feeling Heath’s cock sliding in smooth that time around....
Heath had offered a few careful thrusts........
“Oh yeah, that’s it.......”
“So you’re ready now?”
“Uh-huh...”
Jake had watched as Heath had gathered himself, fierce frown of concentration turning quickly to a painful grimace of lust as he’d found his rhythm and Jake had matched it, and they’d lost it then, both of them, making love with a white hot intensity that Jake recognized now for what it really was.... a rare and precious thing that came along once in a lifetime if you were extremely lucky. Lightning such as that never struck twice. Even then - as they were discovering it - he’d known it was unique, something special to be sure, but they’d been so young - so goddamned young and stupid - and he'd ended up helpless in the face of Heath’s relentless fears and his own stubborn pride.
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