school school school
I think I whine a lot, but I also think I'm getting very much closer to figuring out my issues. Thinking about the Kung Fu Panda thing, and something else I heard on NPR.
They did a story about something called, "Slut Walks." Apparently, there was a police officer in Canada somewhere who made a statement while giving a speech to some college law students that women should stop dressing like sluts if they want to reduce the likelihood of their being assaulted. This got out to the public, and there was uproar, and now there are Slut Walks. Women (and men) come out dressed in their sluttiest clothes and walk the streets, proclaiming that they don't deserve to be attacked just because of their choice of clothing, and that they should have the freedom to wear whatever they choose without being assaulted for it.
One woman they interviewed made a statement about how she was sexually assaulted the first day she arrived at a college campus, and how she was made to feel that it was her fault. Basically, she said that she was shamed into feeling responsible for her own attack.
That struck a chord in me, because I think I feel the same way. I was, well, abused, and was about 6 or 7 I think, and the rest of my life, I've felt that people are going to hurt me because I'm a bad person who they all want to hurt. I took the fact that someone assaulted me, and was shamed into feeling that it was my own fault, not because of what I was wearing, but because of who I am.
The proof of that is that I'm always afraid that people are going to attack me or hurt me, or at least I strongly suspect that they want to, because they think I'm bad, evil or disgusting... all things that the maid implied when I was 6. When I've tested those impressions of myself among friends or doctors, they always assure me that they don't think at all that I'm evil, that it's just in my head.
So I don't really have a "Slut Walk." I can't change how I dress to change how I feel about myself. I'm still me, regardless. One woman showed up at the Slut Walk wearing jeans and a loose hoodie, but she said she wished she didn't feel like she had to dress that way. So, since I can't change my clothes to change how I think people see me, then I have to figure out some other way to get rid of those innate (well not innate, but seemingly so) feelings that I have about myself.
I'm getting better at it. When I catch myself thinking things like, "that guy hates me," or, "those people want to hurt me," I can think to myself, "no they don't." and it actually goes away. Just like that. It's gone. The problem is that sometimes it's not a conscious thought. Sometimes I just have to get out of there, and it isn't until later that I realize that I was afraid that some loud people were coming after me. I still panic in stores when there are loud people near me and I can't get away from them.
So, somehow I have to turn all those feelings into thoughts, so I can banish them, because once I think about them, I can get rid of them. My doc says I'm making progress, like when I had to use the restroom at the Oakland Coliseum, when there were 70,000 people there. I really had to go. I convinced myself that those people weren't going to hurt me, and when that thought came into my head, I was able to banish it, again, by thinking, "no, they're not."
So, anyway, that's my current task.
They did a story about something called, "Slut Walks." Apparently, there was a police officer in Canada somewhere who made a statement while giving a speech to some college law students that women should stop dressing like sluts if they want to reduce the likelihood of their being assaulted. This got out to the public, and there was uproar, and now there are Slut Walks. Women (and men) come out dressed in their sluttiest clothes and walk the streets, proclaiming that they don't deserve to be attacked just because of their choice of clothing, and that they should have the freedom to wear whatever they choose without being assaulted for it.
One woman they interviewed made a statement about how she was sexually assaulted the first day she arrived at a college campus, and how she was made to feel that it was her fault. Basically, she said that she was shamed into feeling responsible for her own attack.
That struck a chord in me, because I think I feel the same way. I was, well, abused, and was about 6 or 7 I think, and the rest of my life, I've felt that people are going to hurt me because I'm a bad person who they all want to hurt. I took the fact that someone assaulted me, and was shamed into feeling that it was my own fault, not because of what I was wearing, but because of who I am.
The proof of that is that I'm always afraid that people are going to attack me or hurt me, or at least I strongly suspect that they want to, because they think I'm bad, evil or disgusting... all things that the maid implied when I was 6. When I've tested those impressions of myself among friends or doctors, they always assure me that they don't think at all that I'm evil, that it's just in my head.
So I don't really have a "Slut Walk." I can't change how I dress to change how I feel about myself. I'm still me, regardless. One woman showed up at the Slut Walk wearing jeans and a loose hoodie, but she said she wished she didn't feel like she had to dress that way. So, since I can't change my clothes to change how I think people see me, then I have to figure out some other way to get rid of those innate (well not innate, but seemingly so) feelings that I have about myself.
I'm getting better at it. When I catch myself thinking things like, "that guy hates me," or, "those people want to hurt me," I can think to myself, "no they don't." and it actually goes away. Just like that. It's gone. The problem is that sometimes it's not a conscious thought. Sometimes I just have to get out of there, and it isn't until later that I realize that I was afraid that some loud people were coming after me. I still panic in stores when there are loud people near me and I can't get away from them.
So, somehow I have to turn all those feelings into thoughts, so I can banish them, because once I think about them, I can get rid of them. My doc says I'm making progress, like when I had to use the restroom at the Oakland Coliseum, when there were 70,000 people there. I really had to go. I convinced myself that those people weren't going to hurt me, and when that thought came into my head, I was able to banish it, again, by thinking, "no, they're not."
So, anyway, that's my current task.