(no subject)
I have never had so much tension built up in my shoulders before and I've never had so many random people who mean nothing to me trying to tug on me and have me all to themselves. And the one person who I do care about I feel like is so caught up in not knowing what he's doing with himself and he is wanting to live in a place that will eventually put him 10 steps back from how far he's come and I just want to see him do everything he wants to do, which I know what he want's is NOT what he is doing at this current moment. And I love him so much and I have just cried so much the past few days and its not just pmsing. It's a mix of feeling lonely, even around him, and missing my grandma, and wishing I had done things differently of the past few years so things wouldn't be so difficult now, and it's disappointing my mom because I don't have the right credentials to go to college like she wants, and disappointing her because I could care less whether I went to college, and having so many adult type situations thrown at me when I'm 17 and being around people who are older and expect me to always be more mature, and being around people who forget how much of a hassle school was, or just by being around people who never tried in school, and are even trying now and being around people who are just annoying and stupid and people I can't trust. People who aren't straight forward. And I miss my grandma and I wish my dad didn't miss me so much all the time because I love him more than anyone else in this world and he has been there for me always and I know when the other man I love leaves me my dad will always be a man that hangs around, and I'm scared of everything right now and it's pathetic and I feel stupid and anyone who reads this will think I'm dramatic and stupid but I could care less because I'm so tired but I'm not sleepy and I just want to have someone who I can always go to for comfort, and I feel like I thought I had that person but I just keep getting let down. I want to be done with these stupid plays, because I love theatre and it used to relieve my stress, now even the people I loved and the activities I loved are smothering me and make me feel upset. Maybe I'm pregnant I don't know. I need to take a year long vacation to Switzlerland because I miss Andrea and she is the only person who was honest and real and my for real best friend. And now I barely talk to her because I'm a shitty person and I'm flaky and very few people can count on me, if anyone. I have so many things I want to change but I feel so overwhelmed by stupid petty shit I'm supposed to be working on endlessly that I have no time to concentrate on myself and fix things, or maybe I'm just too scared to face the things I know I should change. Either way, I want to move. And I want you to move with me and I want to feel happy around you always even though that is so far from realistic and writing in this journal, even though it's completely retarded, makes me feel so much better because these are all the things I wanted to say to you, and these are all the things I wanted you to hear, just so I had someone to talk to, but you were too busy and even if we were face to face you would be too busy or blow me off. And that's a real big problem because i put wayy too much of myself into your well being to just have you blow me off. This is way longer than I intended it to be but I hope I feel better real soon because if I keep feeling like this every night, I will die.