(no subject)
i think that maybe i have been in an existential crises my entire life.
it's been a pretty good day i guess. i woke up at the very early hour of 2pm. i'd spent last night painting until around 3am, and only getting one painting done. what the hell. why does shit take so long? anyway, i hung out in mich's room for a bit since she's moving out next week. i'll being staying at her new flat on a futon which will be great because i'll be away from authoratative figures like my auntie and uncle. then we decided to go to ainsley's estonian girlfriend evelyn's 25th at the opera bar, a snazzy place next to the opera house that sells super expensive drinks and food. so i was like fuck now i need to put on some decent clothes. i look like a fucking emo person all the fucking time it pisses me off. so we got there and it was kind of awkward because it was just a whole bunch of ainsley's high school friends and evelyn didn't have very many friends because she just moved here and people weren't too friendly. mich had to leave me a couple times by myself because she had to take phone calls and most of the time i just sat there by myself with my vodka cider and cigarette staring at the little people climbing the sydney harbour bridge. i did talk to this one guy campbell though, who was surprisingly interesting for a north shore private school boy. he'd actually backpacked around europe and has come back to do plumbing part time and is looking into industrial design at UTS. i wish i had amazing life experiences like backpacking or just being independent for a long period of time. instead i'm here stressing myself out and living under a constricting environment when i just want to lash out. i talked to campbell about movies mostly. there's a huge string of existential films (me you everyone we know, everything is illuminated, i heart huckabees, the life aquatic, etc) that have come out lately and while that's great it's also become such a fad and so many people say they love them just because they're 'deep' and they really don't know what the fuck they're watching.
then mark picked us up and drove us to bart's house in kensington. bart is another one of mich's psych friends. the first time i met him i said, 'is it just me, or is this balcony vibrating?' i don't know why i said that but i was probably drunk. i feel like i get drunk a lot more here in sydney and i don't know why. every single time i go out i just drink so much because it's the only way i can deal with awkward social situations coz i have no friends. anyway. when bart heard me say that he was like 'you're horny aren't you?' and i said, 'no, well maybe subconsciously...' then he goes on and on about how you can't really be subconsciously horny because 'horny' is a feeling so it's already something you're conscious about... blah blah blah. psych people relate everything to everything and sometimes it's distressing. yeah, i didn't like bart all that much... not even under the influence of lots and lots of booze. but tonight, bart was actually quite interesting. i actually enjoyed listening to him more than i liked listening to mark and mich being all cutesy and shit and mich singing randomly in her annoying cutesy voice she tries to put on. bart really likes sex. he has a lot of sex books with pictures and stuff and we spent a lot of time talking about positions while i drew pictures of the women with in the books. we talked about the shape of breasts. apparently there are a lot of women in the world with nipples on unfortunate parts of their breasts. wait, before all this we got stoned. bart hates tobacco so we smoked these tiny little joints without any tobacco in it. australian weed is pretty pathetic. or maybe it's just the people i smoke with. i always smoke with old intellectual types and i never get the giggles. mark, mich and bart get into a lot of discussions about everything. they go on tantrums. like how inflection points relate to the contours of the breasts. the 's' shape. it's pretty fucking hilarious sometimes.
we had some cajun pasta for dinner. it was so spicy i was tearing up and sweating and my nose was runny. bart was like, 'oh shit, i forgot about you young one. you're little and tender and now your taste buds are sore.' yikes, the wine didn't help, it just got me more drunk. then we went out onto the balcony and smoked some more little baby joints and somehow we ended up talking about relationships with family. and i told bart that i didn't like talking to maternal figures because they make me uncomfortable. and bart said, you just gotta let them do their job and you're just gonna have to deal with that because parents can't be the way that you want them to be... your friend, companion, whatever. and mich was like, 'well they can push you around to an extent but there's a limit. in stef's case, there's A LOT of pushing.' he said, 'well you're just gonna have to find a way to get over it.' mark nods at this. the only thing i could come up with was, 'but she's mean to me.' i almost wanted to cry. shit's just sooo fucking easy for you huh. sooo easy. i don't know why i have to be so insecure all the time. mich and i are very similiar in a lot of ways but she has such a gregarious and explosive personality. she gets so loud and so attention seeking and she gets away with all of it. people really warm to her. and it disgusts me. all her friends fucking love her and she's always got a man. her and mark are fucking adorable. at the opera bar, she tried to get me to talk to one of ainsley's friends who was bald and had a nose ring. she was like, 'stef you should talk to that freak. do you want me to get him to come over here? stef, i really want you to have a little romance here before you leave' and i was like 'fuck no, i never make the first move.' and then i kept thinking... well shit, i'm fucking lonely and i need some lovin'. i don't warm up to people so easily. and i'm picky. after roaming around on my own i am just so incredibly dissatisfied with some of my high school friends back in hong kong. they don't have any substance and somehow shit always works out for them.
then we watched i heart huckabees. for me, it was the third time. it was so much better this time because it was with other people and plus we were all drunk and stoned. it is just such a smart movie and it makes me think so much about how confusing life is. it made existential crises seem so stupid and lame and how we just think ourselves into this circular mentality. we're in an empty meaningless void, everything is connected, find the meaning out of the meaningless, i am part of a huge universe, is this the way it's supposed to be, the way we think is so absurd but somehow it makes sense, we make parodies of ourselves, how do we know what is the truth, it's a justified belief, then how do we know if it's justified, how do we live like this, how am i not myself, how am i not myself, how am i not myself.... why??????
wow, i am fucking stoned.
i got home and i talked to pepe. he says if i keep doing this i'm gonna make myself nuts and that voltaire is my solution. i remember when i watched the truman show in sixth grade. i couldn't handle it. at that age, i was already thinking about the greater meaning behind all the bullshit that was going on in my life then. i just went home and cried after that movie. i couldn't write about it either. i kept thinking people were watching me... and if it really were that way, why was i putting up with the misery.
it's been a pretty good day i guess. i woke up at the very early hour of 2pm. i'd spent last night painting until around 3am, and only getting one painting done. what the hell. why does shit take so long? anyway, i hung out in mich's room for a bit since she's moving out next week. i'll being staying at her new flat on a futon which will be great because i'll be away from authoratative figures like my auntie and uncle. then we decided to go to ainsley's estonian girlfriend evelyn's 25th at the opera bar, a snazzy place next to the opera house that sells super expensive drinks and food. so i was like fuck now i need to put on some decent clothes. i look like a fucking emo person all the fucking time it pisses me off. so we got there and it was kind of awkward because it was just a whole bunch of ainsley's high school friends and evelyn didn't have very many friends because she just moved here and people weren't too friendly. mich had to leave me a couple times by myself because she had to take phone calls and most of the time i just sat there by myself with my vodka cider and cigarette staring at the little people climbing the sydney harbour bridge. i did talk to this one guy campbell though, who was surprisingly interesting for a north shore private school boy. he'd actually backpacked around europe and has come back to do plumbing part time and is looking into industrial design at UTS. i wish i had amazing life experiences like backpacking or just being independent for a long period of time. instead i'm here stressing myself out and living under a constricting environment when i just want to lash out. i talked to campbell about movies mostly. there's a huge string of existential films (me you everyone we know, everything is illuminated, i heart huckabees, the life aquatic, etc) that have come out lately and while that's great it's also become such a fad and so many people say they love them just because they're 'deep' and they really don't know what the fuck they're watching.
then mark picked us up and drove us to bart's house in kensington. bart is another one of mich's psych friends. the first time i met him i said, 'is it just me, or is this balcony vibrating?' i don't know why i said that but i was probably drunk. i feel like i get drunk a lot more here in sydney and i don't know why. every single time i go out i just drink so much because it's the only way i can deal with awkward social situations coz i have no friends. anyway. when bart heard me say that he was like 'you're horny aren't you?' and i said, 'no, well maybe subconsciously...' then he goes on and on about how you can't really be subconsciously horny because 'horny' is a feeling so it's already something you're conscious about... blah blah blah. psych people relate everything to everything and sometimes it's distressing. yeah, i didn't like bart all that much... not even under the influence of lots and lots of booze. but tonight, bart was actually quite interesting. i actually enjoyed listening to him more than i liked listening to mark and mich being all cutesy and shit and mich singing randomly in her annoying cutesy voice she tries to put on. bart really likes sex. he has a lot of sex books with pictures and stuff and we spent a lot of time talking about positions while i drew pictures of the women with in the books. we talked about the shape of breasts. apparently there are a lot of women in the world with nipples on unfortunate parts of their breasts. wait, before all this we got stoned. bart hates tobacco so we smoked these tiny little joints without any tobacco in it. australian weed is pretty pathetic. or maybe it's just the people i smoke with. i always smoke with old intellectual types and i never get the giggles. mark, mich and bart get into a lot of discussions about everything. they go on tantrums. like how inflection points relate to the contours of the breasts. the 's' shape. it's pretty fucking hilarious sometimes.
we had some cajun pasta for dinner. it was so spicy i was tearing up and sweating and my nose was runny. bart was like, 'oh shit, i forgot about you young one. you're little and tender and now your taste buds are sore.' yikes, the wine didn't help, it just got me more drunk. then we went out onto the balcony and smoked some more little baby joints and somehow we ended up talking about relationships with family. and i told bart that i didn't like talking to maternal figures because they make me uncomfortable. and bart said, you just gotta let them do their job and you're just gonna have to deal with that because parents can't be the way that you want them to be... your friend, companion, whatever. and mich was like, 'well they can push you around to an extent but there's a limit. in stef's case, there's A LOT of pushing.' he said, 'well you're just gonna have to find a way to get over it.' mark nods at this. the only thing i could come up with was, 'but she's mean to me.' i almost wanted to cry. shit's just sooo fucking easy for you huh. sooo easy. i don't know why i have to be so insecure all the time. mich and i are very similiar in a lot of ways but she has such a gregarious and explosive personality. she gets so loud and so attention seeking and she gets away with all of it. people really warm to her. and it disgusts me. all her friends fucking love her and she's always got a man. her and mark are fucking adorable. at the opera bar, she tried to get me to talk to one of ainsley's friends who was bald and had a nose ring. she was like, 'stef you should talk to that freak. do you want me to get him to come over here? stef, i really want you to have a little romance here before you leave' and i was like 'fuck no, i never make the first move.' and then i kept thinking... well shit, i'm fucking lonely and i need some lovin'. i don't warm up to people so easily. and i'm picky. after roaming around on my own i am just so incredibly dissatisfied with some of my high school friends back in hong kong. they don't have any substance and somehow shit always works out for them.
then we watched i heart huckabees. for me, it was the third time. it was so much better this time because it was with other people and plus we were all drunk and stoned. it is just such a smart movie and it makes me think so much about how confusing life is. it made existential crises seem so stupid and lame and how we just think ourselves into this circular mentality. we're in an empty meaningless void, everything is connected, find the meaning out of the meaningless, i am part of a huge universe, is this the way it's supposed to be, the way we think is so absurd but somehow it makes sense, we make parodies of ourselves, how do we know what is the truth, it's a justified belief, then how do we know if it's justified, how do we live like this, how am i not myself, how am i not myself, how am i not myself.... why??????
wow, i am fucking stoned.
i got home and i talked to pepe. he says if i keep doing this i'm gonna make myself nuts and that voltaire is my solution. i remember when i watched the truman show in sixth grade. i couldn't handle it. at that age, i was already thinking about the greater meaning behind all the bullshit that was going on in my life then. i just went home and cried after that movie. i couldn't write about it either. i kept thinking people were watching me... and if it really were that way, why was i putting up with the misery.