things I want you to know.
even if it takes you forever to see this. even if you never see this.
I miss you. you hear it all the time, but I do not ever know if it fully registers with you. I miss the way it was wayyy before this. Before Lindsay, before apartment 354, before Purdue. Back when it was just you and me and Shelly. Coffee Creek, chessboards, fondue, purple paint, Abe. Not being able to slam the door on your Mom's van. The kids! and the way they always wanted to spend time with us (and sit next to ME at dinner or in the car). When you and I loved one another and it was genuine and real and without flaws and obstacles.
I know that will never happen again
but I also know that somewhere inside of each of us, those girls still exist. the real ones, the ones that cared for one another and were honest and not hurtful or spiteful or rude. the ones that could joke around with one another, make fun of one another, and still always be there for one another.
I am sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt you.
but I am sick of apologizing. I want you to one day need me in your life again. For the past several months I have been the one doing the needing. It hurts to always be unreciprocated. So much could have been avoided if you had only needed me back.
but you didn't
and that's not your fault, I know.
but now I feel useless here,
a place I never wanted to be without you,
and I need you to validate my presence. To tell me it is okay to stay, to even invite me in.
Eventually, to lean on me as I have leaned on you. To value me and my words and thoughts, to value my art and my experiences and my life and my mind, as I have always valued yours.
lets get back there, one day. there are so many more things i want to share with you before this life is over. I never, ever wanted to lose you, and I regret every experience I've had since that happened.
I miss you. you hear it all the time, but I do not ever know if it fully registers with you. I miss the way it was wayyy before this. Before Lindsay, before apartment 354, before Purdue. Back when it was just you and me and Shelly. Coffee Creek, chessboards, fondue, purple paint, Abe. Not being able to slam the door on your Mom's van. The kids! and the way they always wanted to spend time with us (and sit next to ME at dinner or in the car). When you and I loved one another and it was genuine and real and without flaws and obstacles.
I know that will never happen again
but I also know that somewhere inside of each of us, those girls still exist. the real ones, the ones that cared for one another and were honest and not hurtful or spiteful or rude. the ones that could joke around with one another, make fun of one another, and still always be there for one another.
I am sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt you.
but I am sick of apologizing. I want you to one day need me in your life again. For the past several months I have been the one doing the needing. It hurts to always be unreciprocated. So much could have been avoided if you had only needed me back.
but you didn't
and that's not your fault, I know.
but now I feel useless here,
a place I never wanted to be without you,
and I need you to validate my presence. To tell me it is okay to stay, to even invite me in.
Eventually, to lean on me as I have leaned on you. To value me and my words and thoughts, to value my art and my experiences and my life and my mind, as I have always valued yours.
lets get back there, one day. there are so many more things i want to share with you before this life is over. I never, ever wanted to lose you, and I regret every experience I've had since that happened.