(no subject)
so...i leave a group of basketball watching, quasi-deviant silly boys to sit in my boxers and cheap old french-club t-shirt and drink a glass of cheap wine out of a cheap plastic school coffee cup and listen to one of the most depressing songs this side of the millennium. i want to be 15 again-gah, i hate the idea of turning this into an annoyingly self-pitying and gratuitous entry...but then, if you don't want to read that...shove a banana up your bum and skip to another journal with "normal" entries describing how some silly little kid got "crunk" on st. patty's day and made a serious of silly little mistakes and had a silly little drunken fender bender in his/her daddy's silly little car.
anyways...i want to be 15 again. i want a normal life with a normal two-parent household and two seemingly "happy" and "in love" parents and an adorable little brother (WHODOESNOTTRYTOFINDPORNONTHEMOVIECHANNELSLATEATNIGHTATONLYTHEAGEOFFREAKING10YEARSOLD). i want a rebellious older sister, who, in spite of her rebellious nature, still talked to and loved my mother and i want socially awkward soccer practices (practicing a sport i am not good at with people who were too "cool" to hang out with me), i want movie nights and anxiety over working with girls on school projects and adolescent justification for feeling as if i do not fit in and i want to be naive and stupid and carefree. i want this to not be it.
upon graduation, i was naively expecting some grand entrance into a special "adult" world reserved for those who survived the depraved and ridiculous world of adolescence. i mean...i wasn't expecting a paradise or anything...but something consisting of more than hang overs and tests (i had enough of that in high school). i know i put myself through it, but i'm under the impression that if i were to try for more right now, i would be gravely disappointed. why can't i just be 35 and married with kids and a job of my choice...is that so much to ask? a nice little house and movie nights with my kids and coaching their soccer practices and romantic dinners with my wife that are few and far between yet precious in their own right...fuck calling high school/college the best years of my life. those will be. eventually. ...until my wife leaves me because she apparently hasn't been happy at all in our marriage because i'm emotionally distant and put too much time in at my job as a social worker and waited too long to leave me, and was going to, but then we had kids to see if that could help our relationship, and she only stayed for them, but can't take it anymore so she leaves me and i get the kids every other weekend, which kills me, because i love my kids (my family of course will be my world as it will be something wonderful that i helped create, a world that is already at that point cracked and fragile...after my wife leaving me)...i'll probably turn to drinking and smoking more, leading to an over-all degradation of the pathetic excuse of a life that i will have left at that point.
so maybe i shouldn't get married. i'm under the impression that i'm one of those (many) people that shouldn't be in a relationship. i should just contribute as much to the world as i can and die. leave the relationship and family business to those less emotionally crippled and pessimistic.
anyways...i want to be 15 again. i want a normal life with a normal two-parent household and two seemingly "happy" and "in love" parents and an adorable little brother (WHODOESNOTTRYTOFINDPORNONTHEMOVIECHANNELSLATEATNIGHTATONLYTHEAGEOFFREAKING10YEARSOLD). i want a rebellious older sister, who, in spite of her rebellious nature, still talked to and loved my mother and i want socially awkward soccer practices (practicing a sport i am not good at with people who were too "cool" to hang out with me), i want movie nights and anxiety over working with girls on school projects and adolescent justification for feeling as if i do not fit in and i want to be naive and stupid and carefree. i want this to not be it.
upon graduation, i was naively expecting some grand entrance into a special "adult" world reserved for those who survived the depraved and ridiculous world of adolescence. i mean...i wasn't expecting a paradise or anything...but something consisting of more than hang overs and tests (i had enough of that in high school). i know i put myself through it, but i'm under the impression that if i were to try for more right now, i would be gravely disappointed. why can't i just be 35 and married with kids and a job of my choice...is that so much to ask? a nice little house and movie nights with my kids and coaching their soccer practices and romantic dinners with my wife that are few and far between yet precious in their own right...fuck calling high school/college the best years of my life. those will be. eventually. ...until my wife leaves me because she apparently hasn't been happy at all in our marriage because i'm emotionally distant and put too much time in at my job as a social worker and waited too long to leave me, and was going to, but then we had kids to see if that could help our relationship, and she only stayed for them, but can't take it anymore so she leaves me and i get the kids every other weekend, which kills me, because i love my kids (my family of course will be my world as it will be something wonderful that i helped create, a world that is already at that point cracked and fragile...after my wife leaving me)...i'll probably turn to drinking and smoking more, leading to an over-all degradation of the pathetic excuse of a life that i will have left at that point.
so maybe i shouldn't get married. i'm under the impression that i'm one of those (many) people that shouldn't be in a relationship. i should just contribute as much to the world as i can and die. leave the relationship and family business to those less emotionally crippled and pessimistic.