(no subject)
i don't know what i plan to accomplish by posting silly little entries on a silly little blog page that a handfull of people happen upon, half of which ignoring what they read or forgetting it the second they hit a hotbutton to another page. it's stupid and meaningless, and yet i find myself drawn to wasting seconds of my life typing out a ridiculous entry and pressing the 'post to siberian_utopia' button the second i'm done. maybe i do it, because i know the only thing i would be doing with my time if i weren't typing out this silly little entry is lying on my bed, finishing my half-empty, luke-warm bottle of beer, and wondering why i'm not the more fulfilled and complete 'dream' (if you can stomach that nauseating term) persona that i've been fabricating in my head since i was old enough to realize that i could be 'better'. that in a million different situations in my distant and not so distant past, i can think of the actions and thoughts that i could only wish to do and have, but would never given my currently self. i live by the very annoying life that others have attributed to me. i mean we all do. no matter how independent and self-fulfilling that some of us like to believe we are, we all live life according to the person that our environment, including those who constitute a portion of our environment, has created for us. we are not allowed to change, we are not allowed to start anew. we cannot escape pesky little labels that others slap on to our character because they cannot fathom that our character is fluid. i mean...we all do that to eachother. i do that others. even my well-intentioned and "open-minded" ways, i still assume certain "truths" about those around me based on obsolete material from our shared pasts. and yes, you do that to others as well. and if you're thinking, as you read this, in a most indignant and out-raged manner, "i most certainly do not. i am a very open-minded person who would never assume that other people are static characters unable to change as individuals", then quickly and without thinking, slap yourself across the face. and do it again and again everytime you have this thought.
i think that's why i hate having "friends". "friends" are different than friends (i hope). "friends" are people that you secretly surround yourself with so you don't have to be alone. and there comes a point in these relationships (it doesn't take long to reach this point mind you) when you start that most annoying social trait that we all have; you start, and they start as well, to assign labels to them. first you acknowledge that their favorite food. then it's their favorite book. then you start noticing that they dress in a particular manner, or they speak in a particular manner, or they believe in a particular god. and if at anytime anything about their behavior or expressed beliefs proves contrary to your previous conceptions, you feel that their wrong in some way.
but really...it's just natural human instinct to try to understand our environment and others as best we can so we can feel in control in this chaotic world that's impossible to control as an individual, so we pretend to "know" things that we most certainly do not, so why does it even matter to write about it in a silly little entry that's in a silly little blog
i dont know.
but neither do you.
i think that's why i hate having "friends". "friends" are different than friends (i hope). "friends" are people that you secretly surround yourself with so you don't have to be alone. and there comes a point in these relationships (it doesn't take long to reach this point mind you) when you start that most annoying social trait that we all have; you start, and they start as well, to assign labels to them. first you acknowledge that their favorite food. then it's their favorite book. then you start noticing that they dress in a particular manner, or they speak in a particular manner, or they believe in a particular god. and if at anytime anything about their behavior or expressed beliefs proves contrary to your previous conceptions, you feel that their wrong in some way.
but really...it's just natural human instinct to try to understand our environment and others as best we can so we can feel in control in this chaotic world that's impossible to control as an individual, so we pretend to "know" things that we most certainly do not, so why does it even matter to write about it in a silly little entry that's in a silly little blog
i dont know.
but neither do you.