:: long distance in the future? ... oh & Valentine's Day ::
Thinking about the future just seems to get scarier and scarier every time. Where am I going to be and where am I going to go? If I do graduate next year, thus finishing college in three years instead of the normal four, then I'm going to be heading off to work/intern while waiting for my acceptances (if there's any that is) into either med or grad school. And I know for certain that I'm not going to be staying in CA so I'll be starting a whole new life and everything when I finish here at Davis.
But I dont' know what scares me more. Me being out in some random state by myself or possibly having to end my relationship with Eric because of the "long distance." Granted we have like two more year before we really have to worry about any of that, but it makes me wonder... what would we do? I am almost 99% certain that I would say yes to doing a long distance relationship just because of everything we've already been through together (this is all assuming, of cousre, that we're still together when it comes time for me to move up on the education ladder), but I don't know what he would do. I know he doesn't like LD relationships, and has already had one before me... and it is difficult, but by that time, we woudl've been dating for like 4 years, so would he really end a four year deal just because i'm in a different state?
I guess the only reason why it's been on my mind lately is because if he knows now that he isn't going to want to do a long distance relationship if I go out of state for school, then why are we still together now? --> it's like we're setting each other up for heartache and major pain if we're just goign to come to an end when that time comes. But then again, we haev to see where things go, right? I don't even know how long we're going to last - though obviously I do want to say forever but I guess a lot of people wouild say that's impossible? and insane? or unrealistic? I don't know.
The future scares me because i don't know where i'm going to be and I don't know what I'm going to do anymore... mainly because I'm stuck right now. I'm not doing so great in school and it's making me rethink and re-evaluate my life as it is.
Last night while on the phone, I asked him what he'd do if I do end up leaving CA to go to med school or grad school and he said he honesty did not know, which doesn't bother me because how would he know, right? it's not something you're going to constantly think and worry about when there are so many other things that you have to figure out first. And then I moved on and said well what if I go to Boston, or somewhere off to the East Coast (since I know I'll be applying out there for sure) and he said that the East Coast actually had some of the top Accounting programs/schools...
so what is he saying? what is he implying?
I keep trying to remind myself that by the time we need to make that decision, assuming we're still together and growing stronger by the day, we would have been together for at least four years ... so there are so many possibilities; so many options; so many different ways to go.
And I know if it's going to be one of us following the other, it would be him following me since I'll be done a year before him.
I hate to admit how excited I am about him attending Sac State in the next year or so. I can't even begin to imagine what that would mean for us...
how often we'd see each other. how close we'd be to each other in terms of distance. such a short drive away from our respective places.
I almost view it as an opportunity/chance to see what it would be like to be so close to him; a chance for us to see what it's like to be so close to each other and how'd we change & grow with it.
But then again, if it works out really well, does that mean that if we were to go back to attempting a long distance thing, we'd completley fall apart?
It's already hard enough as it is right now.
I miss him like crazy. And he says he misses me like crazy. We both miss each other like crazy.
So if we can't even do this, how can we do anything else?
This is something I really want to talk with him about - seriously, but I'm kinda scared to bring it up because I don't know what he's going to say or what's going to come from it. I don't want him to start doubting like before... but isn't that what I'm doing right now? hmmm I don't know, I don't think I'm doubting, but rather, I'm just thinking ahead?
But maybe I'm thinking too far ahead? I dont' want to scare him off, but he knows that I have a tendency to think further ahead about things; espeically when it concerns my life and others involved. I just wish I knew what his thoughts were on all of this right now. I don't care what they are, I would just really like to know. =/
but one step at a time, right? one obstacle at a time, right?
And I know everything I do now is going to be worth it, because either way, I'm going to be a part of and be helping my best friend's life. Either way - whether or not we'll still be dating 2 years from now. We are going to be a part of each other's lives; there's no doubt in that just because of everything we've been through together; everything we've discussed and talked about. We've been/are such a huge part of each other's live, it's impossible for us not to be present in it throughout the years, no matter what.
*sigh* but the heartache scares me. the uncertainty scares me. the future scares me
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
OK so yeah, on a brighter, more happier note, Valentine's Day is a week away from tomorrow! It's occasions like this when I wish I had my car or that we were within walking distance of each other so that I could surprise him on V-day. The other night, I remembered a conversation we had sometime last year about "What would be your perfect..." and I recalled our responses to What would be your perfect date?. And I was thinking that a really cute idea/gift to him from me could be to create that "perfect date" he described and then at the end I could give him his "actual" gift, which should be coming in on Wednesday. And then I'd end the night by giving him the "pefect kiss" he described... and assuminng it was perfect, everything else would fall into place.
The only problem with all of that is I really want to do it either on Valentine's day (which is already impossible) or at least on some day close to that, but we're both busy or gone with our own family. I mean, I could do it when he comes up to Davis but it ruins the whole effect - well not really, but I like my idea to coincide with Vday. *sigh* so yeah looks like I'm just going to have to tuck that idea in the back for now until I can actually do it the way I want. I still have that conversation saved in my memories on LJ and it just makes me laugh and smile to read through back our AIM conversations last year... I dont' know how we managed to be so far apart yet remain so close.
I wanna be surprised on Valentine's day too.
I wanna be cute and pampered and showered with love. the surprise, the thrill, the complete unexpectedness of surprises... that's what i want.
for the both of us
_
But I dont' know what scares me more. Me being out in some random state by myself or possibly having to end my relationship with Eric because of the "long distance." Granted we have like two more year before we really have to worry about any of that, but it makes me wonder... what would we do? I am almost 99% certain that I would say yes to doing a long distance relationship just because of everything we've already been through together (this is all assuming, of cousre, that we're still together when it comes time for me to move up on the education ladder), but I don't know what he would do. I know he doesn't like LD relationships, and has already had one before me... and it is difficult, but by that time, we woudl've been dating for like 4 years, so would he really end a four year deal just because i'm in a different state?
I guess the only reason why it's been on my mind lately is because if he knows now that he isn't going to want to do a long distance relationship if I go out of state for school, then why are we still together now? --> it's like we're setting each other up for heartache and major pain if we're just goign to come to an end when that time comes. But then again, we haev to see where things go, right? I don't even know how long we're going to last - though obviously I do want to say forever but I guess a lot of people wouild say that's impossible? and insane? or unrealistic? I don't know.
The future scares me because i don't know where i'm going to be and I don't know what I'm going to do anymore... mainly because I'm stuck right now. I'm not doing so great in school and it's making me rethink and re-evaluate my life as it is.
Last night while on the phone, I asked him what he'd do if I do end up leaving CA to go to med school or grad school and he said he honesty did not know, which doesn't bother me because how would he know, right? it's not something you're going to constantly think and worry about when there are so many other things that you have to figure out first. And then I moved on and said well what if I go to Boston, or somewhere off to the East Coast (since I know I'll be applying out there for sure) and he said that the East Coast actually had some of the top Accounting programs/schools...
so what is he saying? what is he implying?
I keep trying to remind myself that by the time we need to make that decision, assuming we're still together and growing stronger by the day, we would have been together for at least four years ... so there are so many possibilities; so many options; so many different ways to go.
And I know if it's going to be one of us following the other, it would be him following me since I'll be done a year before him.
I hate to admit how excited I am about him attending Sac State in the next year or so. I can't even begin to imagine what that would mean for us...
how often we'd see each other. how close we'd be to each other in terms of distance. such a short drive away from our respective places.
I almost view it as an opportunity/chance to see what it would be like to be so close to him; a chance for us to see what it's like to be so close to each other and how'd we change & grow with it.
But then again, if it works out really well, does that mean that if we were to go back to attempting a long distance thing, we'd completley fall apart?
It's already hard enough as it is right now.
I miss him like crazy. And he says he misses me like crazy. We both miss each other like crazy.
So if we can't even do this, how can we do anything else?
This is something I really want to talk with him about - seriously, but I'm kinda scared to bring it up because I don't know what he's going to say or what's going to come from it. I don't want him to start doubting like before... but isn't that what I'm doing right now? hmmm I don't know, I don't think I'm doubting, but rather, I'm just thinking ahead?
But maybe I'm thinking too far ahead? I dont' want to scare him off, but he knows that I have a tendency to think further ahead about things; espeically when it concerns my life and others involved. I just wish I knew what his thoughts were on all of this right now. I don't care what they are, I would just really like to know. =/
but one step at a time, right? one obstacle at a time, right?
And I know everything I do now is going to be worth it, because either way, I'm going to be a part of and be helping my best friend's life. Either way - whether or not we'll still be dating 2 years from now. We are going to be a part of each other's lives; there's no doubt in that just because of everything we've been through together; everything we've discussed and talked about. We've been/are such a huge part of each other's live, it's impossible for us not to be present in it throughout the years, no matter what.
*sigh* but the heartache scares me. the uncertainty scares me. the future scares me
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
OK so yeah, on a brighter, more happier note, Valentine's Day is a week away from tomorrow! It's occasions like this when I wish I had my car or that we were within walking distance of each other so that I could surprise him on V-day. The other night, I remembered a conversation we had sometime last year about "What would be your perfect..." and I recalled our responses to What would be your perfect date?. And I was thinking that a really cute idea/gift to him from me could be to create that "perfect date" he described and then at the end I could give him his "actual" gift, which should be coming in on Wednesday. And then I'd end the night by giving him the "pefect kiss" he described... and assuminng it was perfect, everything else would fall into place.
The only problem with all of that is I really want to do it either on Valentine's day (which is already impossible) or at least on some day close to that, but we're both busy or gone with our own family. I mean, I could do it when he comes up to Davis but it ruins the whole effect - well not really, but I like my idea to coincide with Vday. *sigh* so yeah looks like I'm just going to have to tuck that idea in the back for now until I can actually do it the way I want. I still have that conversation saved in my memories on LJ and it just makes me laugh and smile to read through back our AIM conversations last year... I dont' know how we managed to be so far apart yet remain so close.
I wanna be surprised on Valentine's day too.
I wanna be cute and pampered and showered with love. the surprise, the thrill, the complete unexpectedness of surprises... that's what i want.
for the both of us
_