:: everything & anything ::
This last weekend was one of the most fun, relaxing, loving, tiring, enjoying weekends I have had in a long time...
And even though things always seem to get more complicated and difficult each time we see each other, I can never get enough of time. I just want to spend every minute I have in his arms, beind held... just being in his presence.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I cry. And with him, I cry so unbelievably easy, it really sucks. I know I'm lucky to have him; to have his love, to have hiim care so much about me, to have him as my friend... after everything we've been through together, it's just hard to honestly imagine life without him by my side, as my other half. BUt what's funny is that, everytime he says that he's the lucky one... that he's lucky that I waited, that I've allowed him into my life and my heart... I kinda go on the rebound or something; it's like I start to think if he really means it or not. And I know he does but at the same time, that little thought lingers in the back of my mind...
I want to know where all this is headed. Where are we going to be a few years from now? Are we still going to be together?... are we meant to be together? Just thinking along those lines scares me because I don't know what's going to happen; how things are going to change. When we talk about the future, we talk like we're still going to be together, and as much as I want that to be true, the possibility that life is going to give me yet another surprise is almost more than I can handle at the moment. LIke when I talk about Med School or grad school, and how I may not even stay in California, I get that sudden worry and those thoughts of uncertainty and insecurity kick in full blast. He tells me not to think about and not to worry and that we'll work through it when the time comes, but I can't help it. Considering how he is pretty much the reason why I worry about it so much now because of what he said before... it's just something I can't help sometimes feel uncomfortable talking about because I don't want to think about the possibilities... at least not the possibilities with unhappy endings.
It's like I am thinking about everything and anything that comes to mind. About life. About me. About him. About us.
The more I think about us, how far we've come, how much we've overcome and how much more life has yet to offer... I get excited and yet afraid at the same time. It's like I can think far into the future, but I stop myself, because I don't want to live out my life only to be led to broken, unrealistic dreams and fantasies.
While we were walking around on Sac State's campus, I had this wonderful, loving feeling around me. I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but walking around, taking pictures, holding hands, talking about studies and how we'd come to surprise visit each other on our respective campuses... I just had this floaty, long-lasting butterfly feeling. I think a lot of it had to deal with the realization about how much I really am a part of his life, and how he's so much apart of mine as well. How we someone, sometimes unintentionlyy, and unknowingly, influence each other's decisions and thoughts. But I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to think about how wonderful it would be if he does end up choosing to go to Sac State and if we're still together... I dont' want to think about what that would mean for us...
This is our second Christmas together...I can still remember last Christmas, and how we hadn't seen each other for four whole months with him away at school in New Mexico. I remember last year so vividly, it's almost heart-stopping.
I still get the butterflies everytime he kisses me. <3 I don't know what it is
Those little kisses, that turn into deeper, sensual ones... the kisses that make my heart skip a beat and give me floaty little butterflies and makes me want to just stop time and stay in that moment forever.
I want to go home and spend every second I have with him. I don't ever want to leave. And I hate it when he comes up to visit and then has to leave to go home... it makes me cry and it makes me sad.
I really want to figure out this surprise thing he has for me. Apparently he told Ryan all about it, so now he knows, and I have no clue what the heck he's going to do. ALthough he did narrow down the time frame for me: he said it would happen within the first four days of my break - counting from the Saturday I get home... although I won't be seeing him until Sunday. He's got me so confused. ACcording to him and Ryan, they say it's something tangible and yet not tangible. And even though he says he really wants to do it right now, I have to wait. He says it has to be the right time, although he's not sure what the right time is. ggggggrrrrrrrrrr he's driving me insane with lil un-helpful hints of his.
I have to wait two more weeks before I see him again, and that is almost two more weeks I don't know if I can wait.
He let me keep his sweater this time, which was a total surprise and shock to me. ALl the other times I've told him I was gonna keep it, he would say no, jokingly, and I'd end up giving it back. It's his favorite sweater, I know, but it's the most comfortable thing to sleep in. It's something for me to hond onto, to wear around the apartment, to remember him by his scent... I almost feel kinda bad asking him if I could keep it with me until I came home; I'm not sure what changed his mind this time. I don't knwo why he didn't take it back like he did all the other times. But I love it. I love the sweater. I love wearing it. I love having it with me. BUt it makes me miss him so much more.
I wonder if I should just make my own christmas wish come true myself... the more I think about it, the more I realize that when I hear the words aloud, I think the more real everything will seem. That it's not all just a fairy tale waiting to destroy me with a sad ending... even though our story isn't exaclty all sunshine & flowers. Maybe hearing the words, and being asked, or doing the asking and hearing the answer, will somehow calm my mind and my insecurities that he just won't up and leave me ... a second time. That we're in this relationship together; that we weren't just something that got pushed together and moved along the path typical of two crushers; That by doing it this way, I know we both made a concscious decision, and we know what it entails.
Tell me we are meant to be together forever. Tell me I am not in this alone. Tell me this is real.
And even though things always seem to get more complicated and difficult each time we see each other, I can never get enough of time. I just want to spend every minute I have in his arms, beind held... just being in his presence.
Sometimes, I don't even know why I cry. And with him, I cry so unbelievably easy, it really sucks. I know I'm lucky to have him; to have his love, to have hiim care so much about me, to have him as my friend... after everything we've been through together, it's just hard to honestly imagine life without him by my side, as my other half. BUt what's funny is that, everytime he says that he's the lucky one... that he's lucky that I waited, that I've allowed him into my life and my heart... I kinda go on the rebound or something; it's like I start to think if he really means it or not. And I know he does but at the same time, that little thought lingers in the back of my mind...
I want to know where all this is headed. Where are we going to be a few years from now? Are we still going to be together?... are we meant to be together? Just thinking along those lines scares me because I don't know what's going to happen; how things are going to change. When we talk about the future, we talk like we're still going to be together, and as much as I want that to be true, the possibility that life is going to give me yet another surprise is almost more than I can handle at the moment. LIke when I talk about Med School or grad school, and how I may not even stay in California, I get that sudden worry and those thoughts of uncertainty and insecurity kick in full blast. He tells me not to think about and not to worry and that we'll work through it when the time comes, but I can't help it. Considering how he is pretty much the reason why I worry about it so much now because of what he said before... it's just something I can't help sometimes feel uncomfortable talking about because I don't want to think about the possibilities... at least not the possibilities with unhappy endings.
It's like I am thinking about everything and anything that comes to mind. About life. About me. About him. About us.
The more I think about us, how far we've come, how much we've overcome and how much more life has yet to offer... I get excited and yet afraid at the same time. It's like I can think far into the future, but I stop myself, because I don't want to live out my life only to be led to broken, unrealistic dreams and fantasies.
While we were walking around on Sac State's campus, I had this wonderful, loving feeling around me. I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but walking around, taking pictures, holding hands, talking about studies and how we'd come to surprise visit each other on our respective campuses... I just had this floaty, long-lasting butterfly feeling. I think a lot of it had to deal with the realization about how much I really am a part of his life, and how he's so much apart of mine as well. How we someone, sometimes unintentionlyy, and unknowingly, influence each other's decisions and thoughts. But I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to think about how wonderful it would be if he does end up choosing to go to Sac State and if we're still together... I dont' want to think about what that would mean for us...
This is our second Christmas together...I can still remember last Christmas, and how we hadn't seen each other for four whole months with him away at school in New Mexico. I remember last year so vividly, it's almost heart-stopping.
I still get the butterflies everytime he kisses me. <3 I don't know what it is
Those little kisses, that turn into deeper, sensual ones... the kisses that make my heart skip a beat and give me floaty little butterflies and makes me want to just stop time and stay in that moment forever.
I want to go home and spend every second I have with him. I don't ever want to leave. And I hate it when he comes up to visit and then has to leave to go home... it makes me cry and it makes me sad.
I really want to figure out this surprise thing he has for me. Apparently he told Ryan all about it, so now he knows, and I have no clue what the heck he's going to do. ALthough he did narrow down the time frame for me: he said it would happen within the first four days of my break - counting from the Saturday I get home... although I won't be seeing him until Sunday. He's got me so confused. ACcording to him and Ryan, they say it's something tangible and yet not tangible. And even though he says he really wants to do it right now, I have to wait. He says it has to be the right time, although he's not sure what the right time is. ggggggrrrrrrrrrr he's driving me insane with lil un-helpful hints of his.
I have to wait two more weeks before I see him again, and that is almost two more weeks I don't know if I can wait.
He let me keep his sweater this time, which was a total surprise and shock to me. ALl the other times I've told him I was gonna keep it, he would say no, jokingly, and I'd end up giving it back. It's his favorite sweater, I know, but it's the most comfortable thing to sleep in. It's something for me to hond onto, to wear around the apartment, to remember him by his scent... I almost feel kinda bad asking him if I could keep it with me until I came home; I'm not sure what changed his mind this time. I don't knwo why he didn't take it back like he did all the other times. But I love it. I love the sweater. I love wearing it. I love having it with me. BUt it makes me miss him so much more.
I wonder if I should just make my own christmas wish come true myself... the more I think about it, the more I realize that when I hear the words aloud, I think the more real everything will seem. That it's not all just a fairy tale waiting to destroy me with a sad ending... even though our story isn't exaclty all sunshine & flowers. Maybe hearing the words, and being asked, or doing the asking and hearing the answer, will somehow calm my mind and my insecurities that he just won't up and leave me ... a second time. That we're in this relationship together; that we weren't just something that got pushed together and moved along the path typical of two crushers; That by doing it this way, I know we both made a concscious decision, and we know what it entails.
Tell me we are meant to be together forever. Tell me I am not in this alone. Tell me this is real.