Forgiveness
Part 2 of my "Survivor" story
Let me just say I don't think of myself as a survivor, not entirely. To this day I think if he hadn't tossed me aside I would still be trapped with him by him. Could he have killed me? At some points yes. Did I survive that? Yes. Do I still struggle with my identity??? Yes. I still do.
My story left off with the end of my dating experience with my abuser when we were in high school. I never did forgive him for the betrayal. I made it well known.
When I was 20, he messaged me out of the blue. He wanted to make amends before he left the area to move to Philly. I met him at a local coffeehouse and I still held my grudge but gave him a chance. Incidentally my PC power supply crapped out that day and he was kind enough to find me another one. I told him the past was the last when we parted. He asked for a hug when I went to shake his hand. A few weeks later he asked me to his his work Christmas party. I obliged, and got happily drunk for the first time in my life. I was so drunk he didn't take me home we went to his mother's instead. As one could guess we fondled around (no sex).
After that date the story follows the typical "should I call? Why hasn't he called?" initial dating bliss.
It is amazing writing this information down. I'm sure an outside reader is thinking "How could she have not known he was a bad man?" Well the answer is simple. He was my high school sweetheart and no one forgets what it is like to be in love that first time. I was happy how things were going.. I'm sure there were many good things occurring in the beginning. The "bad signs" that I'm only noticing now in reflections were mixed in with good moments.
Let me just say I don't think of myself as a survivor, not entirely. To this day I think if he hadn't tossed me aside I would still be trapped with him by him. Could he have killed me? At some points yes. Did I survive that? Yes. Do I still struggle with my identity??? Yes. I still do.
My story left off with the end of my dating experience with my abuser when we were in high school. I never did forgive him for the betrayal. I made it well known.
When I was 20, he messaged me out of the blue. He wanted to make amends before he left the area to move to Philly. I met him at a local coffeehouse and I still held my grudge but gave him a chance. Incidentally my PC power supply crapped out that day and he was kind enough to find me another one. I told him the past was the last when we parted. He asked for a hug when I went to shake his hand. A few weeks later he asked me to his his work Christmas party. I obliged, and got happily drunk for the first time in my life. I was so drunk he didn't take me home we went to his mother's instead. As one could guess we fondled around (no sex).
After that date the story follows the typical "should I call? Why hasn't he called?" initial dating bliss.
It is amazing writing this information down. I'm sure an outside reader is thinking "How could she have not known he was a bad man?" Well the answer is simple. He was my high school sweetheart and no one forgets what it is like to be in love that first time. I was happy how things were going.. I'm sure there were many good things occurring in the beginning. The "bad signs" that I'm only noticing now in reflections were mixed in with good moments.