'm so awful at judging that too, and always, ALWAYS push myself too hard, and stay longer than I should. I hope you aren't prone to do the same!
Unfortunately, I am...
When mine is bad I know I feel like each word I have to speak is costing me so much, like each individual word has to be wrung out of my own chest with force. When it's like that, I know I have to give each word out like it was precious.
Yeah. And not to entitled jerks who take it for granted, is my rule now; that's part of why I am not mourning that particular ex-friend :)
I know exactly what you mean about walking into a room and just knowing that you can only stay there a certain period of time before things will be bad. I'm so awful at judging that too, and always, ALWAYS push myself too hard, and stay longer than I should.Augh, I do this too. And I let bad linger, often, because I don't like disappointing the people that I'm there with or abruptly changing their plans because they don't want to abandon me. My actual friends would understand, but I still feel terrible for always being the one to reschedule everything at the last minute because I'm not doing well. So I try to avoid it, which means I end up soaking up way more perfume/smoke/allergen/problem-thing than I can really handle, and then I'm ill for much longer. Most people I know with lung issues have this same terrible feeling of tension between wanting to be socially responsive as if we didn't have health issues, and wanting to take care of ourselves. Denial obviously doesn't help in the long run, but I still tend to be overly
( ... )
I haven't commented because I've been so busy with my own familial(!) medical drah-mahs, but I can definitely relate to the isolation and the ambivalence about passing-for-well after the past several months. The brave face is a damnable coping mechanism, since it hides all too well how much you need help/understanding/patience from and non-draining contact with others, which just makes all the isolation worse.
While I have gotten my cure for what ailed me (to an extent, since I'm still having migraines, but they're only slightly worse than what I'd been used to, rather than the soul-sucking, ever-intensifying whirlpool of misery that pregnancy turned them into), I know it's not that easy for you. But, as you've said, you're doing well for the circumstances.
So, thank you for sharing your rebuttal to Moon's post, despite all the pain and trauma it led you to revisit, and despite your current health. I hope that you recover soon from your recent exertions, and I'm glad you're doing as well as you are.
I wanted to comment yesterday, but am still finding coherence to be effortful, but I think what I wanted to say is that it was a powerful post, and I'll remember it a long while. And that when I've written about experiences which writing about leaves me shaking, that writing has been in the long-term a positive thing (I think partly cathartic and partly it lets me put my own name and shape to the events) so -- I know it's not the same for everyone, because nothing is, and timing makes all the difference too; but I hope writing that was or is or will be in some way a positive thing for you too.
Also today when you say "I am nearly in tears from the pain of breathing. This is how it is, and I'm thankful to be doing well enough that it's not worse." it reminds me of my feelings the last couple of weeks, and especially desperately wanting to communicate that to people: so tired, and so grateful, and neither takes away the other, and ignoring either would be to misunderstand everything. So. Yeah, anyway, I hear you.
*hugs back, carefully so as not to impede breathing*
Earthquakes are weird - that thing where two houses side by side can have completely different experiences - so we're all... the same in our differences. Survival and return-to-the-new-normality are good, and heartening to hear of.
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'm so awful at judging that too, and always, ALWAYS push myself too hard, and stay longer than I should. I hope you aren't prone to do the same!
Unfortunately, I am...
When mine is bad I know I feel like each word I have to speak is costing me so much, like each individual word has to be wrung out of my own chest with force. When it's like that, I know I have to give each word out like it was precious.
Yeah. And not to entitled jerks who take it for granted, is my rule now; that's part of why I am not mourning that particular ex-friend :)
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While I have gotten my cure for what ailed me (to an extent, since I'm still having migraines, but they're only slightly worse than what I'd been used to, rather than the soul-sucking, ever-intensifying whirlpool of misery that pregnancy turned them into), I know it's not that easy for you. But, as you've said, you're doing well for the circumstances.
So, thank you for sharing your rebuttal to Moon's post, despite all the pain and trauma it led you to revisit, and despite your current health. I hope that you recover soon from your recent exertions, and I'm glad you're doing as well as you are.
Keep resting and recuperating
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Also today when you say "I am nearly in tears from the pain of breathing. This is how it is, and I'm thankful to be doing well enough that it's not worse." it reminds me of my feelings the last couple of weeks, and especially desperately wanting to communicate that to people: so tired, and so grateful, and neither takes away the other, and ignoring either would be to misunderstand everything. So. Yeah, anyway, I hear you.
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I do know some of where you're at, too -- though as I mentioned in your lj we were pretty far away from the epicentre of our big 'un.
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Earthquakes are weird - that thing where two houses side by side can have completely different experiences - so we're all... the same in our differences. Survival and return-to-the-new-normality are good, and heartening to hear of.
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