My LJ is for Venting
It's been about a month since I last wrote in this beast.
Moscow has been interesting. It's really a difficult thing to leave everything you love behind and start up a whole new life where all the comforts of home and friendships do not exist. No one knows you the way people at home do, and thus cannot tell when you are uncomfortable or sad. Dealing with myself has been a learning experience. If I stay busy, I am distracted and the pain becomes less and less. I mean, living here is not killing me, and in fact, I've enjoyed quite a lot of it. Sometimes, though, you just need that friend to give you a great big hug and make you laugh. To push all the buttons and tell all of the inside jokes. I'm restructuring my life, and it takes work and effort. Glory be to God. He has sent me here, and it's been obvious. If anything, I have that in my favor.
Yesterday I went to church with a young British Orthodox man named James. He's nice enough, and his friends are very sweet, but I still felt so out of place. They all have what I am missing. They've been friends for a long time. I can even see similar threads of jokes and looks that they pass between one another. Of course, they were very kind about including me in their jokes and stories, but it's just not the same. I left feeling very introspective and depressed. I walked next to the Moscow River for about an hour and just cried. I listened to emotional Coldplay and just grieved. I miss my godsons, and I miss my friends and family. Watching all the little children run around the church during service reminded me of my boys, and it just tore my heart out. I wanted to embrace them and hold them. Oftentimes before I left, I would just hold my boys in my arms during service and just cry. I knew I'd miss them. It's always hard.
I know eventually I'll have a little niche here. It's just a little bit difficult because when a group of people spend a lot of time together, they end up being lovely clones of one another. I don't want to be something I'm not, but I think things about me will have to change for me to fit in here. Maybe not? I don't know yet. I've also been spending some time with people who's faith is not as mine is. One of them is Jewish, I don't know what the other is yet, and another is a girl who recently (like, within the last month) decided she does not want to be Orthodox anymore. We laugh and we meander, but our views are not the same, and oftentimes, I wonder what I will become if I am not connected with some good religious people. I'm okay with the silliness, as long as I can have depth as well in a friendship. I need that depth. I long for it here, and have yet to find it.
It's taken me a while to actually feel any sadness for having left a certain someone. I missed his humor and our companionship, but I did not really MISS him as I thought I would. I think this is good. Last night, I got to speak with him on the phone for about 30 minutes, and it just felt so nice. We giggled a ton, and made each other awkward, and then said goodbye, but not before I accidentally said, "K, I love you, bye." Yeah...try back-pedaling out of that one. It was WAY awkward. I miss him a little more now, though, and I was VERY disgruntled when he told me he wasn't certain if he could come out here next year. If he doesn't, I will be VERY upset.
Moscow has been interesting. It's really a difficult thing to leave everything you love behind and start up a whole new life where all the comforts of home and friendships do not exist. No one knows you the way people at home do, and thus cannot tell when you are uncomfortable or sad. Dealing with myself has been a learning experience. If I stay busy, I am distracted and the pain becomes less and less. I mean, living here is not killing me, and in fact, I've enjoyed quite a lot of it. Sometimes, though, you just need that friend to give you a great big hug and make you laugh. To push all the buttons and tell all of the inside jokes. I'm restructuring my life, and it takes work and effort. Glory be to God. He has sent me here, and it's been obvious. If anything, I have that in my favor.
Yesterday I went to church with a young British Orthodox man named James. He's nice enough, and his friends are very sweet, but I still felt so out of place. They all have what I am missing. They've been friends for a long time. I can even see similar threads of jokes and looks that they pass between one another. Of course, they were very kind about including me in their jokes and stories, but it's just not the same. I left feeling very introspective and depressed. I walked next to the Moscow River for about an hour and just cried. I listened to emotional Coldplay and just grieved. I miss my godsons, and I miss my friends and family. Watching all the little children run around the church during service reminded me of my boys, and it just tore my heart out. I wanted to embrace them and hold them. Oftentimes before I left, I would just hold my boys in my arms during service and just cry. I knew I'd miss them. It's always hard.
I know eventually I'll have a little niche here. It's just a little bit difficult because when a group of people spend a lot of time together, they end up being lovely clones of one another. I don't want to be something I'm not, but I think things about me will have to change for me to fit in here. Maybe not? I don't know yet. I've also been spending some time with people who's faith is not as mine is. One of them is Jewish, I don't know what the other is yet, and another is a girl who recently (like, within the last month) decided she does not want to be Orthodox anymore. We laugh and we meander, but our views are not the same, and oftentimes, I wonder what I will become if I am not connected with some good religious people. I'm okay with the silliness, as long as I can have depth as well in a friendship. I need that depth. I long for it here, and have yet to find it.
It's taken me a while to actually feel any sadness for having left a certain someone. I missed his humor and our companionship, but I did not really MISS him as I thought I would. I think this is good. Last night, I got to speak with him on the phone for about 30 minutes, and it just felt so nice. We giggled a ton, and made each other awkward, and then said goodbye, but not before I accidentally said, "K, I love you, bye." Yeah...try back-pedaling out of that one. It was WAY awkward. I miss him a little more now, though, and I was VERY disgruntled when he told me he wasn't certain if he could come out here next year. If he doesn't, I will be VERY upset.