Fanfic: Have and Withhold
Regulus Arcturus Black did not understand what he was overhearing between his elder brother and their parents. He understood the content but not why 16-year-old Sirius claimed to have impregnated the muggle sister of a mudblood he met at school. Witches hovered around Sirius like flies over a turd, with Sirius as consistently oblivious as the analogical turd. The bikini-clad muggles with which Sirius papered his bedroom wall were a blind. Sirius tried to find them appealing. What he truly admired were the motorcycles pictured with the scandalously posed women.
“Who is he, then?” Regulus asked Sirius earlier that morning while Sirius had been brushing his teeth in their shared bathroom. “Is it Lupin? He is rather tempting, for a half-blood and a werewolf. Is he the reason your Animagus form is a Grim, so you can?” Regulus gestured coitus with his fingers. Sirius slapped Regulus’ hands down then spat toothpaste foam into the basin and began the gargle-rinse cycle. “If I could have any pet, it would be a Grim,” Regulus announced. Sirius spat and kept his head lowered over the basin, hands gripping the edge. “Which you know,” Regulus added cautiously. “My equipment list includes a Prefect badge. Xenophilius received one, too. He intends asking Lupin if his father will sign our books.”
“No. Remus will assume I told you.”
“You wouldn’t even know he was that Lupin if Xenophilius and I hadn’t read the periodical Lyle Lupin published about werewolves. Or know that becoming an Animagus…”
“Shut up.”
“Ungrateful narcissist.”
“Do you like Remus?” Sirius asked darkly without looking at Regulus.
“My interest in magical creatures is not sexual, Sirius. What manner of deviant do you mistake me for?”
“Remus is only a werewolf three days of twenty-eight.”
“And a halfblood the remaining twenty-five. I find Lupin academically intriguing. Your other friends can slobber flobberworms and die.”
Sirius remained tense and hadn’t offered a scathing critique of Regulus’ friends in retaliation.
“Is it Xenophilius?” Regulus asked without cruelty. “He solely desires witches - and Veela.”
“Kinky boy, your Xeno,” Sirius quipped. That was more like Sirius.
“Kinky perhaps, certainly not mine. If he can be swayed by a masculine appendage, it would be yours. Several wizards and witches in my year describe you as “approaching sexy”, which proves their eyes work, if not their brains.”
“What about you?”
“You inherited our family’s share of looks,” Regulus replied bitterly, “so I loathe the sight of you. I shan’t object if Xenophilius accepts your amorous advance.”
“Do you like Xeno, beyond friendship?” Sirius asked.
“If that were so, then I’d object! You aren’t making sense today. Have you been Confunded or Imperiused?” Regulus asked with concern and moved forward to help. Sirius flinched away.
“What are you doing?” Sirius asked.
Regulus frowned. “What are you doing?” Regulus backed toward the door. “Something is wrong and it’s scaring me. It also appears to be scaring you. Shall I fetch--?”
“No. I’ll go to the Potter’s.”
“Always Potter you choose to rely on. It must be him,” Regulus said scathingly.
“How are you certain they’re a he?” Sirius demanded bluntly.
“Merely hoping, because I want it to be me.” The subconscious thought punched through to his conscious mind then from his mouth without pause. Regulus clamped both hands over his mouth in alarm and shook his head with tears welling in his eyes.
Sirius responded with sad resolve rather than fury or disgust. “We tried Obliviate to no avail. Magical solutions are becoming increasingly dangerous. We’ve had similar conversations before. There’s only one option left.” Sirius sighed gruffly and linked his fingers against the back of his head. “Because it is you,” he added. “We can’t let anyone know, ever. Not Xeno, James, or Remus. Do we still agree?”
Regulus nodded. Sirius smiled grimly then went downstairs to start the increasingly vicious argument with their parents.
Sirius and Walburga hollered back and forth about taking responsibility and abortions and how thoroughly Sirius loathed this family plagued with incest.
“Andromeda married a muggleborn to escape. I’ve taken a leap further.”
Regulus ran upstairs ahead of Sirius.
“No point running, Irregularse,” Sirius called as he bounded up behind him. Regulus was faster and more agile on a broom bit Sirius would always outdo Regulus on foot. “I know you were listening.”
“I detest you more than anyone else living or dead could ever hate you,” Regulus said coldly. “I hope Lupin tears you and your bastard to shreds.” Regulus barricaded himself in his room, ignoring Sirius’ knocks and Padfoot’s scratching at the door.
After an age, Sirius solemnly called through the door. “I’m leaving. I’ll be living with--”
“DIE!” Regulus roared over Sirius.
“You first!” Sirius snapped back. Regulus heard him stomp down the stairs.
Their mother had blasted her first son’s name from the family tapestry either during or after the dispute. Regulus spat on the scorch mark.
~~~
There was no bastard, no muggle. Sirius intended to remain a virgin for the foreseeable future. It was imperative that Regulus hate him. Humiliating Regulus with a lie was less reprehensible than acting on their abominable attraction. Sirius ached to press their mouths and bodies together, and ache that consistently increased instead of subsiding.
“Rumour has it you’re becoming a father,” Wormtail said first night back in their Gryffindor dorm room.
“That’s right,” Sirius quipped. “Sorry Prongs, Evans has knocked me up. You’ll have to marry Peculiar.”
“Petunia,” Moony corrected dryly. “Lily’s sister’s name is Petunia.”
“Stop knowing more about my future wife than I do, Moony,” Prongs scolded.
“Lily will regain her sanity and remember how sincerely she disliked you before you rescued Snape from Padfoot’s callous stupidity,” Wormtail told Prongs.
Moony liked Evans, a lot, and for longer than Prongs, but nobody was supposed to be aware of it. Evans had made a pass at Moony the previous year, which no one was supposed to know either. He’d turned her down before anyone knew Prongs was interested. Prongs began announcing his intentions almost immediately after and was worse now Evans didn’t hate him. Sirius felt bad for Moony while hoping none of the Marauders knew Sirius was a deviant.
“My idiot brother and his idiot friend want your father’s autograph,” Sirius told Moony to avoid further animosity between his friends. “Xeno Lovegood owns all his publications, including the contentious ones removed from circulation.”
Moony’s tense shoulders drooped with relief. “Lily thought Lovegood’s enthusiastic greeting in the prefect carriage signified a crush.” Moony’s shoulders snapped back to attention. “That means they know.”
“Longer than we have, according to Irregularse, and they haven’t even told you they know. Pair of nerds. More impressed by an author than a werewolf,” Sirius scoffed. “Xeno might corner you with some embarrassing questions.”
“More embarrasing than those you lot asked?” Moony asked in blatant disbelief.
“We’ve properly entered puberty since then and can probably think of much worse ones now,” Sirius teased.
“Please don’t,” said Moony.
“You and Prongs think you’re funny and impressive making remarks like that about Moony,” said Wormtail, “but it’s actually cruel. The Ministry could have had Remus killed because of what you did to Snape. Prongs gloating about his ‘dramatic rescue’ gets on my nerves. Imagine how it grates on Moony’s!”
“Sorry Moony,” said Sirius. “I should have told you as soon as they said they knew, and how.”
“Regulus is your brother, Padfoot. You’re best to judge whether he’d exploit that information. The fact I’m only hearing about it now, means he hasn’t. If I’d known from the time you knew they’d figured it out, I’d have spent every minute dreading a confrontation. Are you worried Regulus will confront me to get back at you for moving out?”
“During our last civilised conversation - yes, we’ve had those - Regulus described you as “tempting” half-blood wizard Remus Lupin, not Moony Lupin. You’re in more danger of being hit on during prefect duties rather than exposed or attacked. If you were a muggle werewolf, they wouldn’t experience braingasms over your dad and Regulus would not be intrigued by you. Being around you and Evans could cure his pureblood mania, so be friendly, but not alluring.”
“Alluring?” Prongs’ tone bordered on scorn.
“Whatever it is about Moony that makes Evans prefer his company over yours,” Sirius said bluntly, then realised he’d said Evans specifically instead of people generally.
“Tosser move, Padfoot,” said Wormtail. “Not being a tosser is probably what makes Moony alluring,” he added to everyone.
“Becoming a tosser will definitely make Irregularse fall for you, Moony, so best not do that,” Sirius said snappily. His friends seemed to have no idea how to interpret his tone. He told their awkward silence that he was off to shower, unaccompanied. He hesitated just outside the dorm door, wondering whether to apologise.
“He hasn’t been right all holidays,” Prongs murmured to Wormtail and Moony. “I can’t help him deal since he won’t tell me what happened.”
“Incest. Has to be,” Wormtail said bluntly. “An uncle, parent, or cousin probably molested him.”
“Fucking hell, Peter!” Moony scolded darkly. Profanities were harsh from him.
“He’s probably right, though, Moony,” said Prongs. “There aren’t many pureblood families as inbred as Padfoot’s and those others are all extinct. Slytherin, Gaunt, Largesse, Cotswobble, Brindlesnuff - no, Brindleburn and Wendellsnuff. His parents are direct cousins, you know. Padfoot probably left to avoid being married off to Narcissa or Bellatrix. Both horrible enough options without being related.”
“I’d rather be a werewolf!” quipped Moony. “No more conjecture in case we paint worse scenarios than the truth. I won’t interrogate Regulus during prefect duties or meetings, so don’t ask.”
Sirius stopped eavesdropping and made his way to the showers. Moony would be a safe target for infatuation. It would remain unrequited. No one would question Sirius over it. He’d never be tempted to act on it or need to attempt memory charms to remove abhorrently mutual attraction. Regulus was stronger at charms, but Sirius refused to let him be the one bearing the burden, so their experiments failed and Regulus remembered after a short reprieve. He should properly hate Sirius now, though. He’d feel manipulated, deceived, and ridiculed after the performance Sirius put on before leaving home. That hurt would fade. Sirius shouldn’t have admitted the truth to Regulus before lying to their parents. It had been defensive reflex - You know I love you, why are you hurting me? - after listening to Regulus fob him off onto everyone else. Sirius knew everyone else was a better option for either of them or both, but each name had been another stab of rejection. Moony had been great today. He wasn’t horrid to look at. Sirius would outwardly fixate on Moony and hope his heart took the hint.
~~~
Regulus Black had developed an immoral infatuation with his brother, so when he described Barty Crouch Jr as a perverted little creep, Xeno Lovegood accepted that opinion as fact.
“Crouch creeping at your right,” Xeno murmured to Regulus as they sat in the library playing the boardgame they’d developed together.
“My hippogriff challenges your centaurs,” Regulus said to Xeno, placing his wooden piece among Xeno’s. “What is it, Bartemius?” he asked without looking from the game board.
“I like you,” the poor second year blurted. “Want to be like you, I mean.”
“Sirius Black is the menacing toerag who would love to acquire a personal sycophant. He currently shares Pettigrew with Potter, so should consider you a significant improvement. Off you creep.”
Xeno silently placed his giant behind the hippogriff.
“Confund you, Lovegood! I should have won that!” Regulus removed his bracelet of Thestral claws and gave it to Xeno. To most people it looked like plain plaited string. They ignored Crouch and began packing away game pieces.
“What makes wee-Crouch a more repugnant option than…?” Xeno asked as the rejected boy slunk away.
“He becomes aroused by torturing and killing things. Cousin Bella’s the same. Grandmammas said Bellatrix should never be allowed to procreate because she’d do horrific things to her babies for sport.”
Xeno did not doubt that. “How did your brother gain access to a muggle?” he asked.
Regulus stared at him. “Every house but ours on that street is infested with muggles. ‘Sister of a mudblood met at school’ implies an Evans connection. Lupin is friendly with Evans, Potter is stiff for Evans, Sirius is an arrogant sphincter - impregnating her sister to irritate her seems inevitable in hindsight. It would be less offensive if he slept with Lupin. I’d somewhat prepared for that. I hope she gave Sirius a disease.”
“He, ahem, wouldn’t have, passed it on?” Xeno asked with much hesitation.
“Retract that atrocious accusation immediately,” Regulus demanded. “Those hideous yearnings were mutually experienced and discussed, with only preventative actions taken. Preventative,” Regulus insisted. “Neither of us relished…we were united in disgust.”
“Apologies,” Xeno said sincerely.
“Accepted.”
“How did the ‘being in love’ aspect feel?” Xeno asked. He’d yet to experience affection so overwhelming he had to confide.
“Horridly vulnerable,” Regulus said earnestly. “Cannot recommend it.”
Xeno leaned his shoulder against Regulus’ as they walked to class. “Is it possible he lied as an act of deflection and prevention?” he asked carefully.
“If so, then even more reason for us to believe it. I need your support in this, Lovegood. Feed my rancour, not soothe it. I confide in you because I know you’ll be properly disgusted yet rational in your advice. Save whimsy for urban legends, conspiracy theories, and potentially mythical beasts.”
“The Deathly Hallows are real, Regulus, and I’m certain two of the three are presently on school grounds.”
“Potter’s cloak. You truly are a genius for figuring that one out,” Regulus said proudly. He did not flatter or compliment lightly. Blacks instinctively scolded, insulted, or teased rather than praised. “Not convinced that the stone compels the castle ghosts to serve the school. Do they actually serve the school, or simply mope about the grounds because they died in the vicinity? The Bloody Baron’s too rapey to be permitted near schoolgirls. Have him exorcised once you become headmaster, Lovegood.”
“Albus Dumbledore will be Headmaster forever if he has the-” Xeno was silenced by a sharp look from Regulus. He changed topic. “Don’t become a Death Eater.”
“You’d rather remain oppressed by the Statute of Secrecy?”
“Protected by. Subjugating muggles in retaliation makes us no better than they.”
“An unfortunately valid point. However, a pendulum can only come to rest at the point of perfect balance after travelling to the opposite extreme.”
Xeno and Regulus debated the flaws in this analogy until the timetable took them in separate directions.
~~~
James Potter and Regulus Black were normally sleek, efficient seekers for their respective house teams, although James was prone to showing off in front of a particular witch. Against each other, they were brutal. Wrong parts of Sirius enjoyed their clashes. Regulus astride his broom was like a falcon on the hunt, intent on the snitch, wary of adjacent predators, and confident in his skills.
Sirius wondered whether his Patronus would change now. James had the happiest childhood of the Marauders and could produce a corporeal stag that stood boldly before wavering. Remus and Peter were still at the wispy stage, although vague shapes were visible in Moony’s recent attempts. A falcon once screeched from Sirius’ wand, only to disappear without dissolving or fading the moment Sirius recognised it for what it was.
“Hungry for Wormtail?” James had quipped.
“Ravenous,” Sirius replied. He had not produced a corporeal Patronus, since.
“Which seeker do you find most captivating, Black?” Snape sidled close to ask in a menacingly intimate murmur. “The brother you want or the brother you wish you had?”
Sirius punched Snape’s beaky nose and followed up with a series of hexes, most of which Snape managed to deflect and even return. Evans separated them with Expelliarmus and full prefect fury.
“Why is it always you two? Pity’s sake Remus, why did the Tartan Terror bother sending you a badge?”
“Don’t blame Moony!” Sirius stopped scuffling with Snape to defend Remus.
“If you and Potter were capable of being decent friends to Remus, he wouldn’t be scared to reprimand you! Don’t smirk, Severus. You’re as easily influenced by Dolohov and Mulciber as Remus is by Potter and this berk.”
Evans was cunning, diffusing the violence by insulting everyone. Having caught the snitch, Prongs flew in to act the hero and copped the Full Evans.
“Is it my gender or blood status that makes you think I can’t resolve a simple squabble without assistance?”
No wonder Moony fancied her.
“Tad arrogant to assume I’m interfering on your behalf rather than Padfoot’s, Evans. How did Snivellus injure your fragile ego this time, Padfoot?”
Sirius responded with a rude gesture. Remus pulled his arm down.
“I’ll leave you three to vie for Mademoiselle Muggleborn’s attention and go find…” Sirius spotted Kreacher among the Slytherin losers. “Why is that house elf here?” he demanded and began striding toward Kreacher and Regulus. Students hurried out of his way.
“…no need to inform the Gryffindor. Thank you Kreacher,” Regulus was saying when Sirius reached him. Kreacher disapparated without acknowledging Sirius. “Withhold impending attempts at cruel humour, Sirius. My father has died. I am in no mood for you.”
“Our father.”
“My father,” Regulus insisted angrily.
“You mean two wizards had sex with Walburga?” The reflexive joke would have amused Regulus in the past.
“Orion ceased to acknowledge you as his son and removed your name from all family and legal documents.”
“Congratulations on becoming heir to the ancient ignoble House of Black. Did Orion bother learning your name after I left, or continue referring to you as Spare?”
“You maintain notoriety at school, but at home it became as though you never existed. The estrangement benefits everyone. Whether you lied before your departure is now irrelevant.”
“Objective achieved, then.” Sirius tried sounding triumphant to disguise the pain.
“Surely you can’t still harbour… It’s been months! I appreciate all you’ve done to spare us a scandalous fate. Don’t undermine that sacrifice with sentimentality.”
Sirius returned to Gryffindor tower with his friends, behaving as expected until the victory celebrations were over. He sat along the windowsill above his bed, in his pyjamas, feet against one side of the window frame and back firmly pressed to the other, wrists crossed over his raised knees, looking out at the constellation after which his father had been named. James shunted the pillow out of the way and sat in its place, waiting for Sirius to confide.
“My father is dead, I’ve been officially disinherited, and am not sure how to react,” Sirius eventually admitted. His fellow Marauders offered no platitudes. James stayed put until Sirius came down from the window to get into bed. After several attempts at sleep, Sirius left his bed again. “Going for a run,” he told Remus, who was always first to stir in response to movement.
~~~
Regulus saw the Grim form of his brother lope across the grounds and pondered whether it would be wisest to remain perched in the quidditch hoop. He couldn’t help smiling as he murmured, “You mean two wizards had sex with Walburga?” and watched his brother run. Sirius had a brilliant knack for irreverence that Regulus lacked and coveted. Regulus summoned his broom from the ground while falling to it then chased after Sirius. Sirius must have scented his cologne because he turned to bark and leap at Regulus. Regulus leaned flat along his broom, and they raced through the Forbidden Forest, weaving between trees and startling everything smaller than them. Sirius tripped and became caught in a set of jagged roots. Regulus dismounted to apply rudimentary first aid to a broken leg and wrist. While Regulus excelled at potions, herbology, history of magic, and care of magical creatures, he was barely adequate at healing charms. Besides which, Sirius was almost naked, which rendered Regulus emotionally incapable of performing spells on his body.
“I thought you went home,” Sirius said eventually.
“I am superfluous to requirements before featuring as chief accessory at Orion’s funeral.”
“Bitch.”
“Quite. Where are your clothes? Have you become so bold as to strut naked from the castle?”
“Swagger, not strut, and I’m underclad. My pjs are neatly followed beneath the whomping willow.”
Regulus offered Sirius his wand to summon them. Only the pyjama bottoms successfully made the journey. Regulus mounted his broom so Sirius could fit behind and hold on to Regulus with his good arm. There was nothing lewd in the contact. Regulus flew carefully rather than rapidly to the infirmary, yet night flowers and leaves fell to adorn Sirius’ hair. It gave him a Fae allure, to which Madame Pomfrey was not immune as she mended his bones. Potential head injury earned overnight observation.
“I’ll tell Remus,” Regulus said once Madame left to file the incident report. Sirius jolted in surprise as Regulus produced a corporeal Grim Patronus.
“Ouch!”
The brothers chuckled because ‘ouch’ would be the message the Patronus conveyed.
“Succinctly put,” said Regulus with a smile. Sirius kissed him on the cheek. Regulus responded so briskly he caught the edge of Sirius’ mouth. It was purely affectionate, nothing improper.
~~~
The large luminous dog pounced on his bed and woke Remus despite having no weight.
“Ouch!” it declared, and then chuckled in two voices.
Remus grabbed the Marauders Map. Sirius was in the infirmary, with his brother. The canine Patronus approached Padfoot’s bedside table and leapt back as a falcon flew out from Padfoot’s wand. Moony grabbed the wand and followed the pair of conjured messengers as they raced ahead. The dog would leap up at the falcon and the falcon would dive at the dog, as though playing, not aggressively. Remus had only seen Padfoot produce a Patronus once, which had barely held its shape long enough to be identified. Perhaps a messenger Patronus was easier to produce and control than a defensive one. They entered the infirmary so far ahead of Remus that Regulus exited before Remus reached the doors. He appeared to be patting the intangible canine trotting along beside him. Regulus and Remus acknowledged each other with barely perceptible nods.
Inside the infirmary, the falcon circled Padfoot before perching on his raised wrist. His other arm was in a sling. He was shirtless and had flowers scattered in his long black curls. His brother had been decorated with similar petal debris to a lesser degree.
“Can you touch that Patronus?” Remus asked. The flowers could be some archaic pureblood mourning ritual for all he knew. They were less mysterious than oddly behaving magic.
“Kind of, except I don’t feel Arcturus through my skin.”
“That other Patronus made it.”
“As a reply, so we’d know you received Grim.”
“Is that possible?”
Padfoot shrugged his uninjured shoulder. “Regulus wouldn’t have bothered to consider if it was impossible. His magic is still a child’s in that regard. He must be half House-Elf.”
It was said brightly and without Padfoot’s usual mockery.
“Are you high?” Remus asked.
“Possibly.”
“From the flowers?”
“What flowers?”
Remus showed Padfoot his reflection.
“Thoroughly sexy,” Padfoot said in appreciation of himself.
“Inappropriately so,” Remus acknowledged wryly.
Padfoot smiled. “We must have accumulated them on our way out of the forest. Padfoot tripped,” he said, raising his sling and strapped leg. “I’m finally free to be whatever I want.”
“What do you want to be, Sirius?” Remus asked, trying to sound jovial instead of wary.
“Stronger, so I don’t have to be afraid of what I feel and can safely contain it. I can’t let that one thing I detest about myself be all that I am.”
“I’d like to achieve that, too,” Remus admitted.
“Thanks for bringing my wand, Moony.”
“I’d have brought clothes had I known you were lacking.”
“Bottoms are on. Top is probably caught in the willow’s whompers.”
“Are you able to go home now your father is dead?” Remus asked.
Padfoot gave a scoffing, almost canine chuff. “Leaving and staying gone is proving best for everyone. We all agree I should have been born a Potter instead.”
“Yet you and Regulus made up?” Remus asked tentatively.
“Found peace. Until one of us is stupid or obnoxious again, so probably not for long. Now he’s a prefect you have to deal with both of us!” The last remark didn’t come out as the jovial quip Padfoot obviously intended. “I understand why Evans likes you, Remus,” he said solemnly, picking at the infirmary blanket and looking at that instead of Remus. “Even Death-Eater-wannabe Regulus recognises several of your redeeming qualities. So, apologies in advance if I fall a bit in love with you at some stage. I know you won’t back, and that’s honestly fine. I’m not expecting to ever be - physical - with anyone. No matter that rumour says I’m built for it. I’m not wired for that beyond thoughts. I know you’re not like me, that you are wired for it and are just reluctant to act on it. You’ll be fine. You won’t hurt whoever you’re with. I will though, without meaning to, because that’s what I do. As you’ve noticed.”
“Sirius, if you want to be in love with me, that’s fine. Especially if it helps you not be painfully in love with someone else.” Especially if it’s with who I think, Remus kept to himself. “Flirting is more fun without expectations of fulfilment anyway!” he added honestly.
Padfoot laughed.
Remus began plucking foliage and blooms from Padfoot’s hair. “I’ll take the unfamiliar ones to herbology tomorrow. Professor Tendril will know whether they’re dangerous or not.”
“Psychotropic, you mean? Sell them to Sluggy if they are. Make sure to set a high price. Sluggy haggles like a goblin.”
~~~
Petals fell onto the dormitory bed as Regulus changed into sleepwear. There were far fewer than had been in his brother’s hair. He wondered why none had adhered to the Animagus fur during their journey in. Regulus sat in bed and examined the petals in his palm, referring to an advanced herbology text Xenophilius bought him for Christmas. According to the language of flowers, these represented truth, abiding love, abstinence, and sacrifice.
“We’re safe,” Regulus whispered with relief. He placed the petals in his school chest and enjoyed the only restful sleep of his adolescence.
“Who is he, then?” Regulus asked Sirius earlier that morning while Sirius had been brushing his teeth in their shared bathroom. “Is it Lupin? He is rather tempting, for a half-blood and a werewolf. Is he the reason your Animagus form is a Grim, so you can?” Regulus gestured coitus with his fingers. Sirius slapped Regulus’ hands down then spat toothpaste foam into the basin and began the gargle-rinse cycle. “If I could have any pet, it would be a Grim,” Regulus announced. Sirius spat and kept his head lowered over the basin, hands gripping the edge. “Which you know,” Regulus added cautiously. “My equipment list includes a Prefect badge. Xenophilius received one, too. He intends asking Lupin if his father will sign our books.”
“No. Remus will assume I told you.”
“You wouldn’t even know he was that Lupin if Xenophilius and I hadn’t read the periodical Lyle Lupin published about werewolves. Or know that becoming an Animagus…”
“Shut up.”
“Ungrateful narcissist.”
“Do you like Remus?” Sirius asked darkly without looking at Regulus.
“My interest in magical creatures is not sexual, Sirius. What manner of deviant do you mistake me for?”
“Remus is only a werewolf three days of twenty-eight.”
“And a halfblood the remaining twenty-five. I find Lupin academically intriguing. Your other friends can slobber flobberworms and die.”
Sirius remained tense and hadn’t offered a scathing critique of Regulus’ friends in retaliation.
“Is it Xenophilius?” Regulus asked without cruelty. “He solely desires witches - and Veela.”
“Kinky boy, your Xeno,” Sirius quipped. That was more like Sirius.
“Kinky perhaps, certainly not mine. If he can be swayed by a masculine appendage, it would be yours. Several wizards and witches in my year describe you as “approaching sexy”, which proves their eyes work, if not their brains.”
“What about you?”
“You inherited our family’s share of looks,” Regulus replied bitterly, “so I loathe the sight of you. I shan’t object if Xenophilius accepts your amorous advance.”
“Do you like Xeno, beyond friendship?” Sirius asked.
“If that were so, then I’d object! You aren’t making sense today. Have you been Confunded or Imperiused?” Regulus asked with concern and moved forward to help. Sirius flinched away.
“What are you doing?” Sirius asked.
Regulus frowned. “What are you doing?” Regulus backed toward the door. “Something is wrong and it’s scaring me. It also appears to be scaring you. Shall I fetch--?”
“No. I’ll go to the Potter’s.”
“Always Potter you choose to rely on. It must be him,” Regulus said scathingly.
“How are you certain they’re a he?” Sirius demanded bluntly.
“Merely hoping, because I want it to be me.” The subconscious thought punched through to his conscious mind then from his mouth without pause. Regulus clamped both hands over his mouth in alarm and shook his head with tears welling in his eyes.
Sirius responded with sad resolve rather than fury or disgust. “We tried Obliviate to no avail. Magical solutions are becoming increasingly dangerous. We’ve had similar conversations before. There’s only one option left.” Sirius sighed gruffly and linked his fingers against the back of his head. “Because it is you,” he added. “We can’t let anyone know, ever. Not Xeno, James, or Remus. Do we still agree?”
Regulus nodded. Sirius smiled grimly then went downstairs to start the increasingly vicious argument with their parents.
Sirius and Walburga hollered back and forth about taking responsibility and abortions and how thoroughly Sirius loathed this family plagued with incest.
“Andromeda married a muggleborn to escape. I’ve taken a leap further.”
Regulus ran upstairs ahead of Sirius.
“No point running, Irregularse,” Sirius called as he bounded up behind him. Regulus was faster and more agile on a broom bit Sirius would always outdo Regulus on foot. “I know you were listening.”
“I detest you more than anyone else living or dead could ever hate you,” Regulus said coldly. “I hope Lupin tears you and your bastard to shreds.” Regulus barricaded himself in his room, ignoring Sirius’ knocks and Padfoot’s scratching at the door.
After an age, Sirius solemnly called through the door. “I’m leaving. I’ll be living with--”
“DIE!” Regulus roared over Sirius.
“You first!” Sirius snapped back. Regulus heard him stomp down the stairs.
Their mother had blasted her first son’s name from the family tapestry either during or after the dispute. Regulus spat on the scorch mark.
~~~
There was no bastard, no muggle. Sirius intended to remain a virgin for the foreseeable future. It was imperative that Regulus hate him. Humiliating Regulus with a lie was less reprehensible than acting on their abominable attraction. Sirius ached to press their mouths and bodies together, and ache that consistently increased instead of subsiding.
“Rumour has it you’re becoming a father,” Wormtail said first night back in their Gryffindor dorm room.
“That’s right,” Sirius quipped. “Sorry Prongs, Evans has knocked me up. You’ll have to marry Peculiar.”
“Petunia,” Moony corrected dryly. “Lily’s sister’s name is Petunia.”
“Stop knowing more about my future wife than I do, Moony,” Prongs scolded.
“Lily will regain her sanity and remember how sincerely she disliked you before you rescued Snape from Padfoot’s callous stupidity,” Wormtail told Prongs.
Moony liked Evans, a lot, and for longer than Prongs, but nobody was supposed to be aware of it. Evans had made a pass at Moony the previous year, which no one was supposed to know either. He’d turned her down before anyone knew Prongs was interested. Prongs began announcing his intentions almost immediately after and was worse now Evans didn’t hate him. Sirius felt bad for Moony while hoping none of the Marauders knew Sirius was a deviant.
“My idiot brother and his idiot friend want your father’s autograph,” Sirius told Moony to avoid further animosity between his friends. “Xeno Lovegood owns all his publications, including the contentious ones removed from circulation.”
Moony’s tense shoulders drooped with relief. “Lily thought Lovegood’s enthusiastic greeting in the prefect carriage signified a crush.” Moony’s shoulders snapped back to attention. “That means they know.”
“Longer than we have, according to Irregularse, and they haven’t even told you they know. Pair of nerds. More impressed by an author than a werewolf,” Sirius scoffed. “Xeno might corner you with some embarrassing questions.”
“More embarrasing than those you lot asked?” Moony asked in blatant disbelief.
“We’ve properly entered puberty since then and can probably think of much worse ones now,” Sirius teased.
“Please don’t,” said Moony.
“You and Prongs think you’re funny and impressive making remarks like that about Moony,” said Wormtail, “but it’s actually cruel. The Ministry could have had Remus killed because of what you did to Snape. Prongs gloating about his ‘dramatic rescue’ gets on my nerves. Imagine how it grates on Moony’s!”
“Sorry Moony,” said Sirius. “I should have told you as soon as they said they knew, and how.”
“Regulus is your brother, Padfoot. You’re best to judge whether he’d exploit that information. The fact I’m only hearing about it now, means he hasn’t. If I’d known from the time you knew they’d figured it out, I’d have spent every minute dreading a confrontation. Are you worried Regulus will confront me to get back at you for moving out?”
“During our last civilised conversation - yes, we’ve had those - Regulus described you as “tempting” half-blood wizard Remus Lupin, not Moony Lupin. You’re in more danger of being hit on during prefect duties rather than exposed or attacked. If you were a muggle werewolf, they wouldn’t experience braingasms over your dad and Regulus would not be intrigued by you. Being around you and Evans could cure his pureblood mania, so be friendly, but not alluring.”
“Alluring?” Prongs’ tone bordered on scorn.
“Whatever it is about Moony that makes Evans prefer his company over yours,” Sirius said bluntly, then realised he’d said Evans specifically instead of people generally.
“Tosser move, Padfoot,” said Wormtail. “Not being a tosser is probably what makes Moony alluring,” he added to everyone.
“Becoming a tosser will definitely make Irregularse fall for you, Moony, so best not do that,” Sirius said snappily. His friends seemed to have no idea how to interpret his tone. He told their awkward silence that he was off to shower, unaccompanied. He hesitated just outside the dorm door, wondering whether to apologise.
“He hasn’t been right all holidays,” Prongs murmured to Wormtail and Moony. “I can’t help him deal since he won’t tell me what happened.”
“Incest. Has to be,” Wormtail said bluntly. “An uncle, parent, or cousin probably molested him.”
“Fucking hell, Peter!” Moony scolded darkly. Profanities were harsh from him.
“He’s probably right, though, Moony,” said Prongs. “There aren’t many pureblood families as inbred as Padfoot’s and those others are all extinct. Slytherin, Gaunt, Largesse, Cotswobble, Brindlesnuff - no, Brindleburn and Wendellsnuff. His parents are direct cousins, you know. Padfoot probably left to avoid being married off to Narcissa or Bellatrix. Both horrible enough options without being related.”
“I’d rather be a werewolf!” quipped Moony. “No more conjecture in case we paint worse scenarios than the truth. I won’t interrogate Regulus during prefect duties or meetings, so don’t ask.”
Sirius stopped eavesdropping and made his way to the showers. Moony would be a safe target for infatuation. It would remain unrequited. No one would question Sirius over it. He’d never be tempted to act on it or need to attempt memory charms to remove abhorrently mutual attraction. Regulus was stronger at charms, but Sirius refused to let him be the one bearing the burden, so their experiments failed and Regulus remembered after a short reprieve. He should properly hate Sirius now, though. He’d feel manipulated, deceived, and ridiculed after the performance Sirius put on before leaving home. That hurt would fade. Sirius shouldn’t have admitted the truth to Regulus before lying to their parents. It had been defensive reflex - You know I love you, why are you hurting me? - after listening to Regulus fob him off onto everyone else. Sirius knew everyone else was a better option for either of them or both, but each name had been another stab of rejection. Moony had been great today. He wasn’t horrid to look at. Sirius would outwardly fixate on Moony and hope his heart took the hint.
~~~
Regulus Black had developed an immoral infatuation with his brother, so when he described Barty Crouch Jr as a perverted little creep, Xeno Lovegood accepted that opinion as fact.
“Crouch creeping at your right,” Xeno murmured to Regulus as they sat in the library playing the boardgame they’d developed together.
“My hippogriff challenges your centaurs,” Regulus said to Xeno, placing his wooden piece among Xeno’s. “What is it, Bartemius?” he asked without looking from the game board.
“I like you,” the poor second year blurted. “Want to be like you, I mean.”
“Sirius Black is the menacing toerag who would love to acquire a personal sycophant. He currently shares Pettigrew with Potter, so should consider you a significant improvement. Off you creep.”
Xeno silently placed his giant behind the hippogriff.
“Confund you, Lovegood! I should have won that!” Regulus removed his bracelet of Thestral claws and gave it to Xeno. To most people it looked like plain plaited string. They ignored Crouch and began packing away game pieces.
“What makes wee-Crouch a more repugnant option than…?” Xeno asked as the rejected boy slunk away.
“He becomes aroused by torturing and killing things. Cousin Bella’s the same. Grandmammas said Bellatrix should never be allowed to procreate because she’d do horrific things to her babies for sport.”
Xeno did not doubt that. “How did your brother gain access to a muggle?” he asked.
Regulus stared at him. “Every house but ours on that street is infested with muggles. ‘Sister of a mudblood met at school’ implies an Evans connection. Lupin is friendly with Evans, Potter is stiff for Evans, Sirius is an arrogant sphincter - impregnating her sister to irritate her seems inevitable in hindsight. It would be less offensive if he slept with Lupin. I’d somewhat prepared for that. I hope she gave Sirius a disease.”
“He, ahem, wouldn’t have, passed it on?” Xeno asked with much hesitation.
“Retract that atrocious accusation immediately,” Regulus demanded. “Those hideous yearnings were mutually experienced and discussed, with only preventative actions taken. Preventative,” Regulus insisted. “Neither of us relished…we were united in disgust.”
“Apologies,” Xeno said sincerely.
“Accepted.”
“How did the ‘being in love’ aspect feel?” Xeno asked. He’d yet to experience affection so overwhelming he had to confide.
“Horridly vulnerable,” Regulus said earnestly. “Cannot recommend it.”
Xeno leaned his shoulder against Regulus’ as they walked to class. “Is it possible he lied as an act of deflection and prevention?” he asked carefully.
“If so, then even more reason for us to believe it. I need your support in this, Lovegood. Feed my rancour, not soothe it. I confide in you because I know you’ll be properly disgusted yet rational in your advice. Save whimsy for urban legends, conspiracy theories, and potentially mythical beasts.”
“The Deathly Hallows are real, Regulus, and I’m certain two of the three are presently on school grounds.”
“Potter’s cloak. You truly are a genius for figuring that one out,” Regulus said proudly. He did not flatter or compliment lightly. Blacks instinctively scolded, insulted, or teased rather than praised. “Not convinced that the stone compels the castle ghosts to serve the school. Do they actually serve the school, or simply mope about the grounds because they died in the vicinity? The Bloody Baron’s too rapey to be permitted near schoolgirls. Have him exorcised once you become headmaster, Lovegood.”
“Albus Dumbledore will be Headmaster forever if he has the-” Xeno was silenced by a sharp look from Regulus. He changed topic. “Don’t become a Death Eater.”
“You’d rather remain oppressed by the Statute of Secrecy?”
“Protected by. Subjugating muggles in retaliation makes us no better than they.”
“An unfortunately valid point. However, a pendulum can only come to rest at the point of perfect balance after travelling to the opposite extreme.”
Xeno and Regulus debated the flaws in this analogy until the timetable took them in separate directions.
~~~
James Potter and Regulus Black were normally sleek, efficient seekers for their respective house teams, although James was prone to showing off in front of a particular witch. Against each other, they were brutal. Wrong parts of Sirius enjoyed their clashes. Regulus astride his broom was like a falcon on the hunt, intent on the snitch, wary of adjacent predators, and confident in his skills.
Sirius wondered whether his Patronus would change now. James had the happiest childhood of the Marauders and could produce a corporeal stag that stood boldly before wavering. Remus and Peter were still at the wispy stage, although vague shapes were visible in Moony’s recent attempts. A falcon once screeched from Sirius’ wand, only to disappear without dissolving or fading the moment Sirius recognised it for what it was.
“Hungry for Wormtail?” James had quipped.
“Ravenous,” Sirius replied. He had not produced a corporeal Patronus, since.
“Which seeker do you find most captivating, Black?” Snape sidled close to ask in a menacingly intimate murmur. “The brother you want or the brother you wish you had?”
Sirius punched Snape’s beaky nose and followed up with a series of hexes, most of which Snape managed to deflect and even return. Evans separated them with Expelliarmus and full prefect fury.
“Why is it always you two? Pity’s sake Remus, why did the Tartan Terror bother sending you a badge?”
“Don’t blame Moony!” Sirius stopped scuffling with Snape to defend Remus.
“If you and Potter were capable of being decent friends to Remus, he wouldn’t be scared to reprimand you! Don’t smirk, Severus. You’re as easily influenced by Dolohov and Mulciber as Remus is by Potter and this berk.”
Evans was cunning, diffusing the violence by insulting everyone. Having caught the snitch, Prongs flew in to act the hero and copped the Full Evans.
“Is it my gender or blood status that makes you think I can’t resolve a simple squabble without assistance?”
No wonder Moony fancied her.
“Tad arrogant to assume I’m interfering on your behalf rather than Padfoot’s, Evans. How did Snivellus injure your fragile ego this time, Padfoot?”
Sirius responded with a rude gesture. Remus pulled his arm down.
“I’ll leave you three to vie for Mademoiselle Muggleborn’s attention and go find…” Sirius spotted Kreacher among the Slytherin losers. “Why is that house elf here?” he demanded and began striding toward Kreacher and Regulus. Students hurried out of his way.
“…no need to inform the Gryffindor. Thank you Kreacher,” Regulus was saying when Sirius reached him. Kreacher disapparated without acknowledging Sirius. “Withhold impending attempts at cruel humour, Sirius. My father has died. I am in no mood for you.”
“Our father.”
“My father,” Regulus insisted angrily.
“You mean two wizards had sex with Walburga?” The reflexive joke would have amused Regulus in the past.
“Orion ceased to acknowledge you as his son and removed your name from all family and legal documents.”
“Congratulations on becoming heir to the ancient ignoble House of Black. Did Orion bother learning your name after I left, or continue referring to you as Spare?”
“You maintain notoriety at school, but at home it became as though you never existed. The estrangement benefits everyone. Whether you lied before your departure is now irrelevant.”
“Objective achieved, then.” Sirius tried sounding triumphant to disguise the pain.
“Surely you can’t still harbour… It’s been months! I appreciate all you’ve done to spare us a scandalous fate. Don’t undermine that sacrifice with sentimentality.”
Sirius returned to Gryffindor tower with his friends, behaving as expected until the victory celebrations were over. He sat along the windowsill above his bed, in his pyjamas, feet against one side of the window frame and back firmly pressed to the other, wrists crossed over his raised knees, looking out at the constellation after which his father had been named. James shunted the pillow out of the way and sat in its place, waiting for Sirius to confide.
“My father is dead, I’ve been officially disinherited, and am not sure how to react,” Sirius eventually admitted. His fellow Marauders offered no platitudes. James stayed put until Sirius came down from the window to get into bed. After several attempts at sleep, Sirius left his bed again. “Going for a run,” he told Remus, who was always first to stir in response to movement.
~~~
Regulus saw the Grim form of his brother lope across the grounds and pondered whether it would be wisest to remain perched in the quidditch hoop. He couldn’t help smiling as he murmured, “You mean two wizards had sex with Walburga?” and watched his brother run. Sirius had a brilliant knack for irreverence that Regulus lacked and coveted. Regulus summoned his broom from the ground while falling to it then chased after Sirius. Sirius must have scented his cologne because he turned to bark and leap at Regulus. Regulus leaned flat along his broom, and they raced through the Forbidden Forest, weaving between trees and startling everything smaller than them. Sirius tripped and became caught in a set of jagged roots. Regulus dismounted to apply rudimentary first aid to a broken leg and wrist. While Regulus excelled at potions, herbology, history of magic, and care of magical creatures, he was barely adequate at healing charms. Besides which, Sirius was almost naked, which rendered Regulus emotionally incapable of performing spells on his body.
“I thought you went home,” Sirius said eventually.
“I am superfluous to requirements before featuring as chief accessory at Orion’s funeral.”
“Bitch.”
“Quite. Where are your clothes? Have you become so bold as to strut naked from the castle?”
“Swagger, not strut, and I’m underclad. My pjs are neatly followed beneath the whomping willow.”
Regulus offered Sirius his wand to summon them. Only the pyjama bottoms successfully made the journey. Regulus mounted his broom so Sirius could fit behind and hold on to Regulus with his good arm. There was nothing lewd in the contact. Regulus flew carefully rather than rapidly to the infirmary, yet night flowers and leaves fell to adorn Sirius’ hair. It gave him a Fae allure, to which Madame Pomfrey was not immune as she mended his bones. Potential head injury earned overnight observation.
“I’ll tell Remus,” Regulus said once Madame left to file the incident report. Sirius jolted in surprise as Regulus produced a corporeal Grim Patronus.
“Ouch!”
The brothers chuckled because ‘ouch’ would be the message the Patronus conveyed.
“Succinctly put,” said Regulus with a smile. Sirius kissed him on the cheek. Regulus responded so briskly he caught the edge of Sirius’ mouth. It was purely affectionate, nothing improper.
~~~
The large luminous dog pounced on his bed and woke Remus despite having no weight.
“Ouch!” it declared, and then chuckled in two voices.
Remus grabbed the Marauders Map. Sirius was in the infirmary, with his brother. The canine Patronus approached Padfoot’s bedside table and leapt back as a falcon flew out from Padfoot’s wand. Moony grabbed the wand and followed the pair of conjured messengers as they raced ahead. The dog would leap up at the falcon and the falcon would dive at the dog, as though playing, not aggressively. Remus had only seen Padfoot produce a Patronus once, which had barely held its shape long enough to be identified. Perhaps a messenger Patronus was easier to produce and control than a defensive one. They entered the infirmary so far ahead of Remus that Regulus exited before Remus reached the doors. He appeared to be patting the intangible canine trotting along beside him. Regulus and Remus acknowledged each other with barely perceptible nods.
Inside the infirmary, the falcon circled Padfoot before perching on his raised wrist. His other arm was in a sling. He was shirtless and had flowers scattered in his long black curls. His brother had been decorated with similar petal debris to a lesser degree.
“Can you touch that Patronus?” Remus asked. The flowers could be some archaic pureblood mourning ritual for all he knew. They were less mysterious than oddly behaving magic.
“Kind of, except I don’t feel Arcturus through my skin.”
“That other Patronus made it.”
“As a reply, so we’d know you received Grim.”
“Is that possible?”
Padfoot shrugged his uninjured shoulder. “Regulus wouldn’t have bothered to consider if it was impossible. His magic is still a child’s in that regard. He must be half House-Elf.”
It was said brightly and without Padfoot’s usual mockery.
“Are you high?” Remus asked.
“Possibly.”
“From the flowers?”
“What flowers?”
Remus showed Padfoot his reflection.
“Thoroughly sexy,” Padfoot said in appreciation of himself.
“Inappropriately so,” Remus acknowledged wryly.
Padfoot smiled. “We must have accumulated them on our way out of the forest. Padfoot tripped,” he said, raising his sling and strapped leg. “I’m finally free to be whatever I want.”
“What do you want to be, Sirius?” Remus asked, trying to sound jovial instead of wary.
“Stronger, so I don’t have to be afraid of what I feel and can safely contain it. I can’t let that one thing I detest about myself be all that I am.”
“I’d like to achieve that, too,” Remus admitted.
“Thanks for bringing my wand, Moony.”
“I’d have brought clothes had I known you were lacking.”
“Bottoms are on. Top is probably caught in the willow’s whompers.”
“Are you able to go home now your father is dead?” Remus asked.
Padfoot gave a scoffing, almost canine chuff. “Leaving and staying gone is proving best for everyone. We all agree I should have been born a Potter instead.”
“Yet you and Regulus made up?” Remus asked tentatively.
“Found peace. Until one of us is stupid or obnoxious again, so probably not for long. Now he’s a prefect you have to deal with both of us!” The last remark didn’t come out as the jovial quip Padfoot obviously intended. “I understand why Evans likes you, Remus,” he said solemnly, picking at the infirmary blanket and looking at that instead of Remus. “Even Death-Eater-wannabe Regulus recognises several of your redeeming qualities. So, apologies in advance if I fall a bit in love with you at some stage. I know you won’t back, and that’s honestly fine. I’m not expecting to ever be - physical - with anyone. No matter that rumour says I’m built for it. I’m not wired for that beyond thoughts. I know you’re not like me, that you are wired for it and are just reluctant to act on it. You’ll be fine. You won’t hurt whoever you’re with. I will though, without meaning to, because that’s what I do. As you’ve noticed.”
“Sirius, if you want to be in love with me, that’s fine. Especially if it helps you not be painfully in love with someone else.” Especially if it’s with who I think, Remus kept to himself. “Flirting is more fun without expectations of fulfilment anyway!” he added honestly.
Padfoot laughed.
Remus began plucking foliage and blooms from Padfoot’s hair. “I’ll take the unfamiliar ones to herbology tomorrow. Professor Tendril will know whether they’re dangerous or not.”
“Psychotropic, you mean? Sell them to Sluggy if they are. Make sure to set a high price. Sluggy haggles like a goblin.”
~~~
Petals fell onto the dormitory bed as Regulus changed into sleepwear. There were far fewer than had been in his brother’s hair. He wondered why none had adhered to the Animagus fur during their journey in. Regulus sat in bed and examined the petals in his palm, referring to an advanced herbology text Xenophilius bought him for Christmas. According to the language of flowers, these represented truth, abiding love, abstinence, and sacrifice.
“We’re safe,” Regulus whispered with relief. He placed the petals in his school chest and enjoyed the only restful sleep of his adolescence.