sometimes

[shushusparkels]

i don't know why i cry.
i can guess why
but one reason never feels right
nothing is clear enough to know
and i don't understand some of the things i do
and the way i act sometimes.
i tend to do and say things before i have a chance to think about their meaning.
sometimes that's not always good.
i hate crying without knowing why
because then i don't know what to do to make it stop.
so i just keep going.
but i really hate when i know why
but i can't/don't do anything to stop it
because i know i'm wrong.
what did i get into?
what do i do now?
i'm so scared of everything.
if i never let my walls down, i can't get hurt.
this seems to be an on going problem.
sometimes, i'm lost.
i don't know what i'm doing.
but then, other times
i know exactly what i'm getting into
and i know it wont be the best
but i do it anyways.
and when you cry so much
your tears start to lose meaning.
just empty emotions crashing to the ground.
i have so many questions inside me.
so much fear.
and no words for any of it.
and in return, no answers or comfort.
i hate crying.
it reminds me of how i care too much.
and of how vulnerable i really am.