(no subject)
Going all the way back to the beginning of my journal has made me realize what a horrible person I was in high school. I can't believe people were actually friends with me! All I did was bitch and moan about my parents, boys, and lack of social status. I hardly ever wrote about real positive things (fandoms aside) and used disgustingly negative language to tout my flist against my enemy-du-jour. This included calling out some of my close friends in my frequent moody spells. What was wrong with me?
Without continuing the self-criticizing trend here, let me map out my psychosocial progression in order to put the issues out there in the open, as well as praise the healthy behaviors. Most of the teen angst can be attributed to the state of being a teenager. I was having my period, school was becoming more stressful, and family relations were changing as my parents and I coped with my demanding of freedoms. Still, plenty of my friends weren't as pissed off as I seemed to be.
Usually when I reflect on my high school and early college days, I visualize myself as shy, socially awkward, but also eager to please. Reading my journal entries definitely bursts that would-be innocent bubble as all of the hatred, cursing, and whining reveals what was actually going on inside my head. It was like reading someone else's diary, but every entry sparked some sort of vague flashback that I wanted to escape from immediately. I am not a fan of re-living the most painful, awkward moments of my life. Why did I write about them so much?
I did notice that as I started friending more LJ people that I didn't know in person, whether from the Harry Potter forums or from graphic design communities, my posts shifted from depressing accounts of my life to more fandom-related things. Aha, Progress towards the Positive? Sadly, I don't think so. Mainly, I would seek compliments by making pretty icons and layouts, or by stating goals, doubting myself, and fishing for praise and support. This trend of attention-seeking is natural, I would think, for most humans, but it doesn't disturb me any less when I saw myself creatively beg for attention and love.
What I should have been doing during high school was actually enjoying the experience and learning to socialize properly. I'm still a little shy and untalkative in person, but I've come leaps and bounds. Mostly I just want to remember the bad starts I got in high school and college in order to get a good start in med school. I have a year and a half to go!
I finally feel like I'm enjoying being a young person. I'm finally in a comfortable living situation off-campus with deep, progressive minds that are also genuinely caring and a load of fun to get into mischief with. My classes are finally interesting now that I'm actually taking Microbio and other upper-levels with invested professors. And as I've been learning more about myself, recognized why I think the way I do, and then challenged some of my beliefs (ok, very few :P), I'm not just looking forward to the future and daydreaming, but relishing the present as well. I've got so much to be thankful for: LJers who brought light into my teenage life, the wonderful opportunity to go to college, and parents that I get along with (now, at least...lol).
There's stuff to work on. Looking on the bright side of life is a good start, I think.
♥
PS: Booked tickets with the 'rents to see the Olympics in Vancouver next February :D
Without continuing the self-criticizing trend here, let me map out my psychosocial progression in order to put the issues out there in the open, as well as praise the healthy behaviors. Most of the teen angst can be attributed to the state of being a teenager. I was having my period, school was becoming more stressful, and family relations were changing as my parents and I coped with my demanding of freedoms. Still, plenty of my friends weren't as pissed off as I seemed to be.
Usually when I reflect on my high school and early college days, I visualize myself as shy, socially awkward, but also eager to please. Reading my journal entries definitely bursts that would-be innocent bubble as all of the hatred, cursing, and whining reveals what was actually going on inside my head. It was like reading someone else's diary, but every entry sparked some sort of vague flashback that I wanted to escape from immediately. I am not a fan of re-living the most painful, awkward moments of my life. Why did I write about them so much?
I did notice that as I started friending more LJ people that I didn't know in person, whether from the Harry Potter forums or from graphic design communities, my posts shifted from depressing accounts of my life to more fandom-related things. Aha, Progress towards the Positive? Sadly, I don't think so. Mainly, I would seek compliments by making pretty icons and layouts, or by stating goals, doubting myself, and fishing for praise and support. This trend of attention-seeking is natural, I would think, for most humans, but it doesn't disturb me any less when I saw myself creatively beg for attention and love.
What I should have been doing during high school was actually enjoying the experience and learning to socialize properly. I'm still a little shy and untalkative in person, but I've come leaps and bounds. Mostly I just want to remember the bad starts I got in high school and college in order to get a good start in med school. I have a year and a half to go!
I finally feel like I'm enjoying being a young person. I'm finally in a comfortable living situation off-campus with deep, progressive minds that are also genuinely caring and a load of fun to get into mischief with. My classes are finally interesting now that I'm actually taking Microbio and other upper-levels with invested professors. And as I've been learning more about myself, recognized why I think the way I do, and then challenged some of my beliefs (ok, very few :P), I'm not just looking forward to the future and daydreaming, but relishing the present as well. I've got so much to be thankful for: LJers who brought light into my teenage life, the wonderful opportunity to go to college, and parents that I get along with (now, at least...lol).
There's stuff to work on. Looking on the bright side of life is a good start, I think.
♥
PS: Booked tickets with the 'rents to see the Olympics in Vancouver next February :D