Sep 30, 2005 19:04
At times I feel like I'm standing on a chair in the middle of the room, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one looks up. Switching schools, making new friends, working, brothers moving yo college, so many problems with new friends as well as old friends, my friend trying to kill herself, so many family problems, I just dont know what to do anymore. At first I thought I could be the strong and say everythings okay but what if I cant be strong? What if everything wasnt okay? I just feel like no one has any time for me. I feel like everyones so much more superior then I am. Like Im just trying to live up to expectations. But does anyone even knew what goes on through my head during the day? Why sometimes I cant even focus on simple things? Why I feel so stupid for all of this? I know life not always easy and lifes not always fair, but did anyone ever stop to think what I would feel? I know I may sound like a baby just because things arent going my way but the truth is...... Ive been swallowing everything Ive felt since I can remember and I feel like my heads about to explode. Even if I tell someone about anything I feel I can never bring myself up to tell them everything or even know where to start. Sometimes I can hide it in really well other times its so hard to even smile or pretend to be happy. I dont know why at times I feel like this and other times Im just to busy to even feel something.
The only thing I know is when I go take care of those little kids after school I feel more loved then I have my whole life. Once I walk into the door its the constant hugging and kissing, Their so smart they know when Im having a bad day when others dont even notice. When I have a cut or something say " Mommy its okay, I love you!" and they hug me. They make me feel like nothing can hurt me cause I know that they love me. Like I dont need anyone else because they are there. They make me forget about all my problems at home and at school. I love them more then I can possibly say and since I got my new camera phone I will post some pics of them soon. Well I just thought Id end the post with something better then the beginning. Sorry for all of this but I just didnt know how to get all this out.