I stay
I've been putting this one off for a while now. I guess I was worried everyone was tired of hearing me talk about him. But it has come to my attention that some out there are concerned for me, so I thought it time to maybe go in to some detail on the status of my relationship (such as it is) with KiSA.
It's kind of hard to describe how I feel about him, and how things are between us. I am in love with him, make no mistake about that. To my knowledge, he does not feel that way about me. I also know that he does care about me. He trusts me to an incredible degree. He enjoys spending time with me. I can live with this.
I worry about how bad it will be when it finally falls apart. I know it will be bad enough that the smart thing to do would be to cut and run now while the getting is still good.
I just don't want to, I don't think I really could even if I did.
I've lost my fear of confrontation. Things the way they were were simply unacceptable, so back in April, I wrote him a letter. I explained to him that things couldn't keep going as they were. That I would humiliate myself one last time by writting him so that I could resolve the confusion and perhaps find peace. This was me getting ready to close things between us. I gave him the letter after 2 weeks of not really having spoken to him at all. I tried to let go on my own, but I couldn't, at least not without ending things. Things didn't end. We're good.
Thats not to say that I don't worry. I know what I want, I want to date him. I want him to be with me. And I know that there is another female in his life, but I don't know what capacity she fills. I have asked him if he is seeing someone, and I have told him that I would want to know if he was. I am not that person, and I don't ever want to be. He says he isn't seeing anyone.
When he canceled our plans for Friday, he knew I would be bothered by it, so thats why he set us up for Thursday. When I called him on his methods, he realized that all along hurt and anger had been building.
I know some of you are thinking why should I stay with someone who could be like this. You see the posts I make, and how hurt an confused I am, and you see the posts where things are going well. But because I respect him so greatly, I never tell the whole story. I know why things have to be the way they are. It's just not my story to tell.
So why do I stay? I stay because I know more than what I post here. I stay because each time I get upset with him, he makes the effort to make sure I understand. I stay because he hasn't made me any promises, I stay because the trust he gives me is enormous for a man who values his privacy to such a degree. I stay because we are so alike and so different. I stay because he can stand my personality. I stay because he forgives me. I stay because I know that he isn't trying to hurt me, he doesn't realize that I am hurt because I don't want to be whiney or a nag. I was afraid to say anything, and that isn't his fault. How could he know what I was feeling if I don't explain it to him? I didn't say anything because we aren't committed, and I don't feel I have a right to make demands of him.
I stay because it is not my nature to give up on something I want so much. He is exactly what I want.
After all that, what are we really? We're friends with benefits.