I never felt like I needed you so much
He was always dazed. He seemed lost in his own world, like he was physically here, but not mentally. Something like the kind when students are daydreaming in class, except that there was a solemn and distant expression carved on his face. He never left his seat, for days. People were frantically calling their friends, and family to hear their voices to know whether they were okay from the recent earthquake that came so suddenly that it seemed like it was a living nightmare. But he was the total opposite. He never said a word. He just sat there.
His girlfriend watched him from the living room, wondering what she should say. Ever since she had met him, she had never seen him in this state before. It was like he had just experienced something traumatic. Now that she thought of it, the hug he gave her when they first met each other after the 9.0 magnitude was different from his usual hugs. Usually it was when she felt insecure or had something heavy on her mind that he would take her in his arms and talk to her in a soft voice, low enough for the both of them to hear, and this voice would penetrate her soul like the perfect medicine to bring her back to normal. He was always the one who was there for her when she needed him, and now it seemed like it was her turn to play that role.
“Jun?”
No answer.
Mao put her hand on his shoulder and said his name again softly.
Still no response.
“Jun, is there something wrong? Please tell me, it worries me a lot to see you like this.” Mao pleaded.
Jun turned his head slightly but left it hanging in the air as if his life had been sucked out of him.
Still no sound from him. He looked so stressed. Was he worried about his family? Or his friends? Mao was sure none of them were victims of the quake since she was there when he made millions of calls to everyone he knew, letting tears trickle down his cheeks as he tried to make it sound like he wasn’t crying over the phone.
Mao shifted her position. She stood right in front of Jun, where he could see her clearly. He couldn’t avoid facing her now. Jun never ignored her whenever she talked to him. This was the first time. She took his hand in hers and caressed it softly while looking straight into his eyes.
“Jun, please, if there’s anything, please let me know. I’ll help you get over it. We promised to go through everything together, didn’t we?”
Mao was about to give up until she felt Jun lightly squeeze her hand. It was a rather weak squeeze, though. So weak that she couldn’t categorize it as a squeeze. He felt frail deep inside, and that feeling radiated to her body through his hand. She looked at him. He looked like a lost puppy, about to break down, eyes wide and big, but about to give way any moment. She could tell that he was trying hard not to cry in front of her. He was always like that. He wanted to be strong in front of her. If he wasn’t the one who was appearing tough, then he couldn’t protect her. That was what he thought, and Mao knew it. She knew him too well.
When she embraced him, he broke down completely. All his outer defences crumbled. Yet, he was still trying to minimize the loudness of his whimpering and sobbing.
“Jun, it’s okay to cry, it is. You can always cry in front of me. I want to be there for you when you need to cry. I can be the strong one when you need me to be.”
Jun spoke with a muffled voice for the first time that day. Although Mao couldn’t make out what exactly he was saying, it made her happy to finally hear his voice. She felt his fingers pull at her blouse so desperately that she didn’t mind if it tore apart right now. She tightened her arms around him too, to convey to him that she was there.
When she released him from the emotional hug, she saw those tears in her eyes. And the only thing visible on his moist face was an expression of worry. Tears were still trickling down his cheeks but he didn’t bother to wipe them off. His hands still gripping her waist, he didn’t meet her eyes. But Mao understood how he felt. He was never one who could look at someone when he himself was crying. She remained silent waiting until he was ready to talk.
The wait took quite a while. After much stroking of his head by Mao, Jun finally looked up at her, eye to eye. He let her wipe his wet face with her gentle fingers while he struggled to put a coherent sentence together.
“So...rry... for... ma...king... you worr....yy.. I just... I ... just...”
This time it was Jun who took Mao in his arms. He enveloped her body so tightly that she almost fell backwards. But she fit perfectly into the curves of his body. Mao had to hold on to his broad shoulders for support. She rested her head on his shoulder while waiting for him to continue talking.
“It’s just that....I... I’ve been thinking a lot, for the past two days. I thought... it’s only when something dire happens that... that we are aware of how much, how much we treasure the people around us. We always take things for granted. We think everything will remain the same. But, nothing is certain. And this disastrous quake made me realize that.”
Jun weakened his grip on Mao and placed his hands on either side of her face, making her look directly at him.
“It made me realize just how precious you are to me. If...if I had lost you in the quake...if you happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, I really don’t know what to do. I’d be a lost soul. Even if the quake didn’t destroy the world, the world would have come to an end for me.”
Mao felt a shiver in her spine. If she had lost Jun, she would... no, she just couldn’t imagine it. She could understand exactly what Jun meant, because she felt the same way. She let her body fall forward against Jun’s firm chest, and he caught her in his arms.
“Is this why you’ve been like this for the past few days, Jun?” Mao whispered, still in his embrace.
Jun nodded, but Mao probably didn’t see it. Instead, he kissed her crown in response.
“I am grateful for every moment I have with you, Mao,” said Jun before he made Mao look at him so that he could kiss her on her lips. They kissed each other passionately, as if another quake was going to separate them. They felt the softness of each other’s lips, and the subtleness of every touch carved a shape in their hearts. The intensity of the feeling deep down in them made their hearts beat faster. Grappling in the warmth of each other’s body, the night didn’t seem like it was going to end any sooner. Without the sound of the clock ticking, it seemed as if time had stopped just for the both of them.
“I’m thankful to be able to be with you too, Jun,” said Mao in her heart, but she was sure Jun could hear the voice in her heart calling out to him.
-end-
Comments, please? :DDD