[thoughts] Norwegian Wood Exert

[showerlater]

I've thought a lot about you. The more i've thought, the more I've come to feel that I was unfair to you. I probably should have been a better, fairer person when it came to the way I treated you. This may not be the most normal way to look at things, though. Girls my age never use the word "fair". Ordinary girls as young as I am are basically indifferent to whether things are fair or not. The central things or question for them is not whether something is fair, but whether or not it's beautiful or will make them happy. "Fair" is a man's word. Finally, I can't help feeling that it's also exactly the right word for me now. And because questions of beauty and happiness have become such difficult and convoluted propositions for me now, I suspect, I find myself clinging instead to other standards -- like whether or not something is fair or honest or universally true.

I must have lead you around in circles and hurt you deeply. In doing so, however, I have lead myself in circles and hurt myself just as deeply. I say this not as an excuse or a means of self justification but it is true. If i have left a wound inside of you, It is not just your wound but mine as well. So please try not to hate me. I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being that you realize. Which is precisely why I don't want you to hate me. Because if you were to do that, I would really go to pieces. I can't do what you can do: I can't slip my shell and wait for things to pass. I often envy that in you.