in cambodia
so, ive not been able to sleep. im in cambodia, and ive been sleeping so well but then i got sick earlier this week and it threw my whole body clock out and now im back to not sleeping and thats not a good thing. not for anyone but esp not for me. i say 'esp' coz it's me. and i like my routine and i like sleep.
what i think about when i dont sleep-
- dave, and how i dont think about dave enough, but that it's sad what happened between us because he and we had a LOT of good. we were connected, we had goals, we had laughter and great physical and spiritual chemsitry, but maybe just not the right match. i honestly blame it on him haha, because he is still developing, but with someone else that development wouldve been ok. for me i need someone who is kinda already 'there' but wants to go further.
- clement. i think about him a lot at the moment because its a distraction from dave and my future and it made me feel good. and now it kinda makes me feel bad which is also why i think about it. i want to touch him and be around him but i also want him to want to touch me and be around me and something in this past four days has definitely changed in his reaction to me and i dont like it but its how it is and i need to deal with it and move on.
-my body. i think about how i dont like it and how i am not looking after it the way i should and then i try and be nice to myself but then i go to the other extreme and binge, like tonight, to the point of feeling sick because i feel 'i can/deserve'. i need to change my mindset again i think.
this is all for now.
i hope i can sleep tonight. : )
i also hope i can see some afl tomorrow!
x
what i think about when i dont sleep-
- dave, and how i dont think about dave enough, but that it's sad what happened between us because he and we had a LOT of good. we were connected, we had goals, we had laughter and great physical and spiritual chemsitry, but maybe just not the right match. i honestly blame it on him haha, because he is still developing, but with someone else that development wouldve been ok. for me i need someone who is kinda already 'there' but wants to go further.
- clement. i think about him a lot at the moment because its a distraction from dave and my future and it made me feel good. and now it kinda makes me feel bad which is also why i think about it. i want to touch him and be around him but i also want him to want to touch me and be around me and something in this past four days has definitely changed in his reaction to me and i dont like it but its how it is and i need to deal with it and move on.
-my body. i think about how i dont like it and how i am not looking after it the way i should and then i try and be nice to myself but then i go to the other extreme and binge, like tonight, to the point of feeling sick because i feel 'i can/deserve'. i need to change my mindset again i think.
this is all for now.
i hope i can sleep tonight. : )
i also hope i can see some afl tomorrow!
x