Alias: The Musical
Well, you asked for it and you got it! But don't say I didn't warn you... you're about to enter the musical pits of Shotgun's demented mind!
Enjoy!
PROLOGUE
ENTER BLUE ONSTAGE, ALONE, UNDER A SPOTLIGHT.
BLUE: Looked dead, didn't I?
Well I wasn't, but it wasn't for lack of trying,
I can tell you that.
Actually Red's last bullet put me in a coma.
A coma I was to lie in for two years.
When I woke up ...
I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a Roaring Rampage of Revenge.
I roared and I rampaged and I got bloody satisfaction.
I've killed a hell lot of people to get to this point.
But I have only one more.
The last one.
The one I'm driving to right now.
The only one left.
And when I arrive at my destination... I am gonna Kill Red.
LIGHTING FADES TO BLACK. END PROLOGUE.
SCENE I: SYDNEY'S BARBIE PENTHOUSE.
SYDNEY'S HANGING OUT WITH VAUGHN, WEISS AND NADIA, DRINKING BEER, EATING PEANUTS AND ECLAIRS
SYDNEY: Oooh, ooh, do you remember that time we went on that mission and... (spills her beer).
VAUGHN: Honey, I think you've had enough. Give me the glass and we'll get you your fuzzy flannel pajamas and head off to bed.
NADIA: Party pooper! You're no fun. Come on, we've only had (tries to count on her fingers) twelve beers between the four of us.
WEISS: You're not counting the shots of vodka AND the mixed drinks we had with dinner.
SYDNEY: Do you remember the last time we were drinking together? In that bar... in Russia... and there was vodka... and my parents were there...
(Vaughn and Weiss look at each other in a panicked manner)
VAUGHN: We don't talk about that.
SYDNEY (ignoring Vaughn): I just love spending time with my dad. You know, we like, never hung out when I was little.
NADIA: At least you KNEW who your parents were. I had to go through nearly twenty years not realizing that my mom was a KGB double agent and my dad was a power-crazed, fanatical, egomaniacal terrorist.
SYDNEY (getting up off the floor and raising her beer in a toast. Cue sad strings in the background):
Oh, Nadia, you have no idea.
Daddy Daddy wasn't there
Daddy Daddy wasn't there to take me to the fair
It seems he didn't care
Daddy wasn't there
Daddy Daddy wasn't there to change my swanky spy-wear
It seemed he didn't care
Daddy wasn't there
When I was first disguised
When I was agent-ized
When I was Sloane-ized
When I was de-virginized
Guns 'n' lots of lies
When I was recognized
When I hung my head and cried
Daddy wasn't there
If you got a Daddy issues, he's a Daddy tissue (JJ)
D to the A to the D-D-Y
D to the A to the D-D-Y
Say it's just a fad but I had a deadbeat dad
D to the A to the D-D-Y
D to the A to the D-D-Y
I sit in my room and spy, and I ask myself the reason why
Daddy, Daddy
D-A-D-D-Y, peace.
(sits down and chugs her beer)
WEISS: But Jack wasn't there because he was too busy dealing with the tragic "death" of his "wife" and was actually in prison for a little while, during which time you stayed with Sloane and Emily even though later you had no recollection of doing so and thus were able to work for Sloane for years before seeing him for the evil little troll he is.
NADIA: Hey, that's my dad you're talking about!
WEISS: What? It's true!
NADIA: No it's not!
WEISS: Yes, it is!
VAUGHN: Stop bickering, you two! You're not allowed to do that until you're married. Now come on, Sydney and Weiss. Let's go into the kitchen so we can give Nadia an opportunity to be onstage alone and sing a touching little Iggy Pop tune. Plus, I'm out of peanuts. (Exit Sydney, Vaughn and Weiss, stage left).
NADIA (onstage alone, now sitting on the couch in a thoughtful manner): They always forget me, don't they? I'm not Nadia, I'm "Sydney's Little Sis." Well, one day, they'll see. I'm special too. I remember that night... the night in Sogov... Sogovid... that fictional Russian city. (Dances across the stage in remembrance)
I am The Passenger
And I spy and I spy
Spy through the city's back sides
See the angels fall from the sky
Yeah the bright red Russian sky
You know I look so good tonight
I am The Passenger
I stay undercover
I look through my red eyes so bright
See the red horses come out tonight
I see the bright red Russian sky
Over the city's red back side
And everything looks bad tonight
Sing it
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la
Get onto the subway
I'll be The Passenger
I'll fight with the Chosen One at night
See the city's red back side
See the big red ball in the sky
See my red eyes shine so bright
The fight made for us tonight
Oh The Passenger
How how she fights
Oh The Passenger
She fights and fights
Looks through her red eyes
What does she see?
Sees the bright red and hollow sky
Sees the Bristows come out tonight
Sees the city's red back side
Sees the not-so-kick-ass-girlfight
And everything was destined for Syd and me
All of it was destined for Syd and me
It just was meant for Syd and me
So let's go on 'n' fight
See what's mine
Sing it
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la
WEISS (enters from the kitchen, looks at Nadia, concerned): Ummm, Nadia? Sydney needs you in the kitchen. Something about a toaster emergency.
NADIA: Oh... uh. Yeah. Gotcha. (Exits into the kitchen, Vaughn and Weiss go into the living room. Vaughn sits down on the couch, sipping his beer while Weiss stands awkwardly nearby, his hands in his pockets.)
VAUGHN (noticing Weiss isn't sitting down): So... fun night, eh?
WEISS: Yeah.
VAUGHN: Is there something on your mind?
WEISS: Yes, Mike, there actually is. There's just something I need to get off my chest.
I'm not wearing underwear today,
No, I'm not wearing underwear today
Not that you probably care
Much about my underwear
Still none the less I gotta say
That I'm not wearing underwear today
(Awkward silence).
VAUGHN: Yeeeah. That's great, But Eric, we usually only go commando on extended treks in the jungle, not beer night at Sydney's.
WEISS: You just don't get it, do you?! I'm tired of being your non-boyfriend and pretending to be straight by dating Sydney's hot sister-
NADIA: It's Nadia, jeeze!
WEISS: See? I'm not very good at this stuff! Come on, Mike... come away with me! Sydney's a good looking gal, she'll find another man!
VAUGHN: Weiss, you're a big guy, but I think you've had a little too much to drink tonight. It's time for you to go home.
WEISS: With you?
VAUGHN (steering him towards the door): No, with your girlfriend. Nadia!
NADIA (coming out of the kitchen): What?
VAUGHN: Take him home and make sure he gets some extra special attention tonight. (winks)
NADIA: Oooh. Right. (giggles) Adios, guys!
(Vaughn shuts the door as the leave and collapses against it once it's closed, breathing a sigh of relief.)
SYDNEY (her voice floating across the stage): Oh, Captain Non-Courageous! I've got a surprise for you in the closet!
VAUGHN: Sweet! I love it when beer nights are followed by "Let's get drunk and try on Sydney's wigs" nights! Where are my heels...
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK. END OF SCENE I
SCENE II: SYDNEY'S CLOSET
SYDNEY IS PULLING WIGS OFF OF STYROFOAM HEADS IN A DRUNKEN ECSTASY. SHE FLICKS ON A SWITCH AND A DOOR OPENS UP. SPOTLIGHTS TURN ON, MUSIC CUES AND A DISCO BALL DROPS FROM THE CEILING, SPARKLING. INSIDE IS THE WIG, PERFECTLY FRAMED BY THIS DISPLAY.
SYDNEY: Ah, my good friend, how I've missed you so! (She lifts it off the head, with great care and, looking in the mirror, places it protectively on her head. She fluffs is gently and squeals with delight).
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and
witty and gay!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.
See that pretty girl in the mirror there!
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty wig
Such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile
Such a pretty me!
I feel stunning
And entrancing
Feel like running
And dancing for joy!
For I'm loved-
VAUGHN: By a pretty and wonderful boy-scout!
SYDNEY: Finally! I was starting to worry you'd been abducted by Sark. Or something.
VAUGHN: No, we were out of peanuts, so I had to go raid the bunker stash. Let's see, what game shall we play tonight (he goes through her clothes, pulling out a turban)... how about Bhutan Gunshot Recoveree ravishes Native Klan Girl?
SYDNEY (shaking her head): Nooo, we played that one a couple weeks ago. (Picks out Cap Feratt dress) How about Cute Blonde Partygoer saves Shirtless Soon-to-be Science Experiment?
VAUGHN: That's okay. I don't like sharp objects. (He pulls out her red wig, dusting it off) Here, we haven't used this one in a while.
SYDNEY: But I've already got my blonde wig on! And whenever I put that one on, we seem to end up at Joey's Pizza fighting evil villains who want either world domination or my wardrobe.
VAUGHN: Pleeeease, Syd? I'll get out my leather jacket, and-
SYDNEY (putting the blonde wig back in the chamber): Say no more. I'll meet you in the bedroom in five minutes.
THEY BOTH EXIT STAGE RIGHT AND A FEW MOMENTS LATER, WE HEAR A VOICE OFFSTAGE
VAUGHN: Who do you work for, you pretty little girl...?
SYDNEY: Bite me!
VAUGHN: With pleasure...
THE SOUND OF GIGGLES AND HEAVY BREATHING FADES AWAY AS THE LIGHTS ONSTAGE DIM. FOUR OR FIVE DARK FIGURES ENTER THE CLOSET DISCREETLY FROM STAGE LEFT, MOVING ABOUT WITH GREAT CARE. THEY BEGIN RUMMAGING AROUND IN SYDNEY'S CLOTHES AS A FINAL FIGURE ENTERS. THE LIGHTS SLOWLY COME BACK ON AGAIN AND WE SEE IT'S SARK, DRESSED ENTIRELY IN BLACK AND WEARING SOME VERY HOT AVIATOR SHADES.
SARK: Well, that was easier than I had expected. What sort of spy leaves her front door unlocked?
HENCHMAN #1: The Worst!
HENCHMAN #2: Spy!
HENCHMAN #3: Ever!
SARK: That's right, gentlemen. And tonight, I shall execute my most evil plan ever. Tonight is the night we raid Sydney's closet. (He peers off stage right) It appears she is quite occupied at the moment, so we need not worry about disturbing her. (Cue campy music)
The heels of Dolche
The scarfs of Versache
Will seem like mere trinkets
By this time tomorrow
The clothes we find here
Will dwarf them by far
Oh, with it's got in it, boys
Dig up Syd's closet, boys
Mine, boys, mine ev'ry outfit
And dig, boys, dig 'til ya drop
Grab a skirt, boys
Flirt, boys
Hand in a handbag
Uncover those lovely
Accessories that sparkle and shine
They're clothes and they're mine, mine, mine
SARK'S LACKEYS: Wig and wig and wig and wiggety
Wig and wig and wig and wiggety
SARK: Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny
Oh, how I love it
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny
Aliases for cheap!
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny
There'll be heaps of them
And I'll be on top of the heap!
My rivals back home
It's not that I'm bitter
But think how they'll squirm
When they see how I glitter
The ladies at court
Will be all a-twitter
My boss will reward me
He'll knight me... no, lord me!
It's mine, mine, mine
For the taking
It's mine, boys
Mine me those clothes!
With that Spanish rug... (picks up poncho from Season 3)
It's glory they'll gimme
My dear friend, King Arvie
Will probably build me a shrine
When aaaaall of the clothes... are mine.
SARK'S LACKEYS: Wig and wig and wig and wiggety
Wig and wig and wiggety-wig!
IN DANCES SYDNEY FROM STAGE RIGHT. IT'S OBVIOUS SHE'S BEEN SLEEPING BECAUSE SHE'S WEARING THE RED WIG AND IT'S TOUSLED.
SYDNEY: All of my life, I have searched for a villain
Like this one
A smoother more challenging bad guy
I couldn't design
Hundreds of dangers await
And I don't plan to miss one
With man I can't claim
A man I can't tame
The greatest adventure is mine!
HENCHMAN #1 (whispers to Sark): I think she's sleepwalking.
SARK: I can see that, you idiot. But we have to finish the song.
Keep on working lads
Don't be shirking, lads
Mine, boys, mine
Mine me those clothes
Beautiful clothes
SARK'S LACKEYS: Mine
Find another load (move towards the wig chamber)
Then find the mother lode!
Wig! and Wig! and wiggety
Wig! Wig! for those clothes
ALL: Make this closet
A deposit
SARK: Make the mounds big, boys
I'd help you to dig, boys
But I've got this crick in me spine (Courtesy of Jack Bristow)!
SYDNEY: This man we behold!
SARK (holding up the blonde wig): This beauty untold!
SYDNEY: A woman can be bold!
SARK: It all can't be sold!
SARK'S LACKEYS (breaking into the wig chamber): So go for the clothes
We know which are here
All the riches here
From this minute
This closet and what's in it
Mine!
SARK: And those clothes
Are...
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!
Wig and wig and wiggety-wig!
Hey nonny nonny nonny it's mine!
SARK HOLDS UP THE BLONDE WIG IN VICTORY AS HIS LACKEYS CLUSTER AROUND HIM. MEANWHILE, SYDNEY SLEEPWALKS BACK INTO HER ROOM.
SARK: Boys, we have what we came for. Stuff the rest of the clothes into your bags and we'll be off, before Sydney knows what hit her.
VAUGHN ENTERS FROM STAGE RIGHT IN HIS "PAJAMAS," WHICH WE ALL KNOW, IN SHOTGUN'S WORLD, MEANS SHIRTLESS AND IN BOXER SHORTS. HIS HAIR IS MESSY AND HE'S RUBBING HIS EYES SLEEPILY
VAUGHN: Sydney? What's going on in here? I heard an incredibly catchy tune intended for seven-year-olds, which I am unable to get out of my head. (He blinks, taking in the scene before him) Sark??
SARK: Ah, Michael. Looking devilishly handsome tonight, as always. I'd almost forgotten. I have to take you with me. (He levels his gun at Vaughn and fires two tranq darts at him. They stick in his neck and he hits the ground with a sleepy thud.) The mission is complete, lads! Pack up and let's go home.
SARK PUTS THE BLONDE WIG IN HIS OWN PORTABLE STEEL WIG CHAMBER AND SNEAKS OUT WITH HIS LACKEYS.
SARK (humming): Wig and wig and wiggety-wig... hey nonny nonny it's mine!
THE STAGE FADES TO BLACK; END OF SCENE II.
SCENE III: SARK'S EVIL LAIR.
FROM THE BLACK, A SPOTLIGHT LIGHTS UP THE STAGE, ILLUMINATING VAUGHN, WHO'S SITTING HANDCUFFED TO AN ALUMINUM CHAIR. SARK ENTERS THE CIRCLE OF LIGHT.
SARK (slapping Vaughn's face to wake him up): Bonjour, monsieur.
VAUGHN: Whaa? Hold on a minute, where am I? What happened? Last thing I remember, I was having wild, role-playing sex with Sydney, and then I went to sleep for a minute...
SARK: And then you came into Sydney's closet as I was raiding it and I kidnapped you. We all read the last scene, Mr. Vaughn, I think we know what's going on.
VAUGHN: But why? You apparently got Sydney's aliases, so what do you need me for?
SARK: Oh, Michael, though you may look quite dashing in glasses, you've really not got much upstairs. My kidnapping of you was a favor for an old friend. (Enter Lauren)
VAUGHN: Uh oh. This can't be good.
SARK: I'll leave you two alone for a few minutes. (Exit stage right)
VAUGHN (gritting his teeth): What do you want with me?
LAUREN: Oh, didn't you miss me, Michael? Things haven't been quite the same since you tried to kill me last.
VAUGHN: Which time was that?
LAUREN: It doesn't matter. (Cue piano music as Lauren paces around Vaughn's chair.)
Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes I'm wrong
But you didn't care
You strang along
You loved me so
That funny honey of mine,
Sometimes I'm good
Sometimes I'm bad
But you followed 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
You loved me so
That gunny honey of mine
You were once a sheik
You've got a great physique
But lord knows you ain't got the smarts
Oh but look at that forehead
I tell you in bed
You're a while lot greater than
Some of those old farts
And if you knew you like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name
Why, you'd be right there
Taking my blame
You loved me so
And that all suited me fine
That funny, gunny, honey
Ex-bubby of mine
VAUGHN (Spoken): A man's got a right to protect and his loved ones, right?
LAUREN (Spoken): Of course, he has.
VAUGHN (Spoken): Well, I came in from the bedroom, bitch, and I see Sark in the closet. With my girlfriend, Sydney, there, sleepin'... like an angel...
LAUREN: You loved me so
That funny honey of mine.
VAUGHN (Spoken): ... an angel!
I mean, supposin', just supposin', he had violated her
or somethin'... you know what I mean... violated?
LAUREN (Spoken): I know what you mean...
VAUGHN (Spoken):... or something'. Think of how terrible that would have been.
It's a good thing that I had to go pee, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!
LAUREN: He loved me so
That funny honey of mine.
(Spoken)
Name of the contractor... Blue Bristow.
VAUGHN (Spoken): Blue Bristow?! How could she put you up to this?
Blue is Sydney! Or at least, one of her alter-egos.
LAUREN: Lord knows he ain't go the smarts
VAUGHN (Spoken): Sydney lied to me! She told me Blue was dead!
LAUREN (Spoken): You mean dead like all the other aliases?
VAUGHN (Spoken): She told me she shot Blue! Right after my mom did. She had her covered in a sheet and was was retelling me that death by cock and bull story and saying that we'd never have to deal with Blue again because character alias rounds were coming up. Dead, huh!
LAUREN: Now, you shot up my back
I can't stand you, slap!
Look at him go
Ignoring the me
With just one more brain
What a half-wit he'd be
You had shot me up
Well I knew who
Killed the swine!
VAUGHN (Spoken): I believed you!
You're a cheap little tramp. So, you
Were two-timing me, huh?
Well, then, you could have just
Rotted for all I care.
Boy, I'm down at the Oops Center
Working my butt off fourteen
Hours a day and you' were up munchin'
On goddamn bon-bons with Sark!
You finally pushed me too far.
That little chiseler.
Boy, what a sap I was!
LAUREN: That scruffy, crummy
Dummy ex-hubby of miiiiiiine!
(She plants a passionate, wet kiss on Vaughn's lip and, pulling away, blood drips from Vaughn's mouth.)
VAUGHN (spitting blood in Lauren's face): You are one sick COW.
LAUREN (wiping the blood away and smearing her eyeliner in the process): Thanks, honey.
VAUGHN: So Blue's the one behind this?
LAUREN: Well, the alias raid was Sark's idea, but Blue gave him... some "incentive" to bring you back "here" to "lure" Red to the "lair" where "Blue" will be "waiting" for her.
VAUGHN: You really need a license to operate those air quotes because you're butchering them.
(Enter Sark, with Sloane close behind)
SARK:... and as you can see, along with that truckload of Sydney's disguises I acquired, I also have her boy-toy here. Aren't you proud of me, Arvin?
SLOANE: I'm not really sure why you're showing me this, Sark. I'm a reformed man.
SARK (laughing): Oh, that's rich, Arvin, RICH I tell you. Hehe, how long did it take you to think that one up. Freaking hilarious.
SLOANE: No, I'm serious!
Some people say that I'm a bad guy
They may be right, they may be right
But it's not as if I don't try
I'm just fucked up, try as I might.
But I can change, I can change
I can learn to keep my promises I swear it
I'll open up my heart, and I will share it
Any minute now I will be born again
Yes, I can change, I can change
I know that I've been a dirty little bastard
I like to kill, I like to mate, I like to sing
But it's okay cuz I can change.
See its not my fault that I'm so evil
It's Rambaldi, Rambaldi
You see my dreams were sometimes elusive
And it made a prick of me.
But I can change I can change
I can learn to keep my promises I know it
I'll open up my heart, and I will show it
Any minute now I will be born again.
SARK: But what if you never change
What if you remain a sandy little butthole?
SLOANE: Hey, Satan... I mean, Sark
Don't be such a twit
Mother Theresa won't have shit on me
Just watch, just watch me change
Here I go I'm changing.
Ahhh
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ahhh
(Whistling the tune)
Hey Satan.
(Exits stage left, still whistling the tune)
SARK: Okaaay. That was a weird little cameo. I guess that song was just too perfect for Shotgun to pass up. Anyway, back to the story.
LAUREN: That's all we have to say right now. We need to go see how Sydney's handling the disappearance of her one true wuv!
SARK: Ah, yes. Lights please!
STAGE GOES TO BLACK. END OF SCENE III.
SCENE IV: MALIBU BARBIE PENTHOUSE, SYDNEY'S CLOSET
SYDNEY ENTERS FROM STAGE RIGHT IN HER PAJAMAS, THE RED WIG IN ONE HAND. IT'S THE NEXT MORNING AND SHE'S A LITTLE BLEARY EYED FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.
SYDNEY: Vaughn? Vaaaaughn, where are you! Hide-and-go-get-peanuts isn't until tomorrow night. (She sees the mess in her closet, clothes strewn everywhere.) Oh, the carnage! What happened here? (Sydney sees a note taped to the wig chamber) What's this? (She picks up the note and reads it intently. He face turns white as she crumples up the note and tosses it angrily on the floor.) Sark! Not only has he taken my boyfriend, but also my best friend! The wig! How dare he! Someone's going to catch the Bristow Wrath of Death for this!
(She looks at the bottom of the note)
It was... Blue.
(Cue bass and harmonica as Dixon sits down on the front of the stage, rollin' to a tune as Sydney gets ready for battle).
DIXON: You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun,
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One
She said: You're on in a million
You've got the wig to shine
But you were born under a bad sign (Rambaldi eye flashes across the stage)
With a blue wig in your sights.
Then ya
You woke up this morning
You one true love has gone
Your Papa never told you
About right and wrong
But you're looking good baby
I believe you're feeling fine (shame about it),
Born under a bad sign
With a blue wig in your sights.
Yeah, sing it now
Woke up this morning
Gotta blue wig (blue wig in your eyes)
Woke up this morning
You see you woke up this morning
The world turned upside down,
Lordy, well things ain't been the same
Since Blue walked into town.
But you're one in a million
'Cause you've got that shotgun shinin' (shame about it)
Born under a bad sign
With a blue wig in your sights, yeah.
Woke up this morning (yeah) and
Got yourself a gun (woke up this morning),
Got yourself a gun
Got yourself a gun.
SYDNEY SLIDES THE CLIP INTO HER GUN WITH A MENACING *CLICK* AND ADJUSTS HER RED WIG IN THE MIRROR. NOW DRESSED IN A BLACK TURTLENECK AND JEANS, SHE'S READY TO RUMBLE AND, WITH A DETERMINED LOOK ON HER FACE, SLIDES HER GUN INTO HER WAISTBAND.
SYDNEY: Blue is gonna pay, once and for all.
This ends now.
THE LIGHTS CUT TO BLACK DRAMATICALLY. END OF SCENE IV.
SCENE V: A BAR IN WISCONSIN.
OPEN ON A ROUDY CONTRACTORS' BAR. AMIDST THE DRINKERS, WE SEE WILL TIPPIN AT A BARSTOOL, NURSING A BEER.
CONTRACTOR #1: What's wrong, Jonah? You've only had a couple of sips tonight.
CONTRACTOR #2: Yeah... normally you're through a six-pack by this point.
WILL: I guess I'm just a little depressed. I just can't believe that Fox cancelled Kitchen Confidential! That was such a good show, and it was funny, and it had a really cute star, not to mention this incredibly hot french guest star-
CONTRACTOR #2: Aww, get over it, Jonah. Cancellations happen.
ENTER SYDNEY, IN A WET SUIT, FRANCIE, WEARING AN APRON AND VAUGHN, DRESSED IN A BLUE OXFORD AND GRAY SUIT.
SYDNEY (to the bartender): Um, excuse me, we're looking for a Mr. Will Tippin. I've heard he's a regular here.
BARTENDER: I ain't never heard of no Will Tippin. Hey, Jonah, do you know a Will?
WILL (panicked): Uh, no. I don't. But I'm sure I can help these wonderful people find him. (Pulling Sydney aside) What the hell are you doing here?! Do you know the pains I've gone to in order to make my past life disappear?
SYDNEY: Oh, come on... you didn't mind me blowing your cover back in Amsterdam.
WILL: That was... uh... different. (Notices Francie) What's she doing here? I thought I killed her!
SYDNEY: Oh, that's... uh... the real Francie! Yeah, not the double. The nice one. The good one.
WILL: So she's a spy too?
VAUGHN: That's right. Just like Sydney and me. And Sydney's dad. And Sydney's mom. And Sydney's sister. And my dad. And, well... not my mom. She's not a spy. Nuh-uh no way.
(Cue surreal guitar music)
I awake to find no peace of mind
I said how do I live
As a fugitive?
Down here, where I cannot see so clear
I said what do I know?
Show me the right way to go.
And the spies came out of the water (looks at Sydney in her wetsuit suspiciously)
But you're feeling so bad 'cause you know
And spies hide out in every bar now
But you can't touch them no
'Cause they're all spies!
They're all spies! (Backs away from the three spies, who are crowding around him menacingly)
I awake to see that I'm not really free
I'm just a fugitive, look at the way I live
Down here, I cannot sleep from fear no,
I said which way do I turn?
Oh, I forgot everything I learned
And the spies came out of the water
But you're feeling so bad 'cause you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can't touch them now (puts a longing hand on Sydney's shoulder)
'Cause they're all spies!
They're all spies!
(Will starts to realize there's something fishy about this situation and starts weaving in and out of patrons, trying to escape).
And if I don't hide here,
They're gonna find me
And if I don't hide now
They're gonna catch me when I sleep
And if I don't hide now
They're gonna find me
And the spies came out of the water
But you're feeling so good 'cause you know
That those spies hide out in every corner
And they can catch you, yes (Sydney finally catches up to Will and puts him in a choke hold)
'Cause they're just spies.
They're just- (Will passes out)
THE BAR HAS EMPTIED OUT AND NOW IT'S JUST THE THREE SPIES AND WILL. SYDNEY PULLS OF THE HEADGEAR OF THE WETSUIT WITH A FLOURISH AND WE SEE IT'S BLUE. "VAUGHN" AND "FRANCIE" PULL OFF RUBBER MASKS TO REVEAL... SARK AND LAUREN.
BLUE: Excellent! Phase Two of my evil plan is complete. The destruction of Red's life is just beginning.
SARK: But Will hasn't been a part of Sydney's life since Season 2. How is this going to destroy her?
BLUE: Shut up and stop asking questions. Now, get him out of here.
SARK (looking at Lauren): You hear her. Get him out of here.
LAUREN TRIES TO LIFT WILL, BUT ALAS, CANNOT.
LAUREN: I caaan't. He's so heeeavy. Sarkie, why won't you do this for me?
SARK: Because I certainly don't keep you around for the sex. (He and Blue start walking out)
LAUREN (grabbing Will under the armpits and dragging him sloppily across the floor): Fine! But this had better mean *grunt* that I get to buy that super special pair of clear plastic heels from Payless that flash when you walk! Because those are so swank...
LIGHTS DIM AS THE DEADLY TRIO WALKS OUT OF THE BAR. END OF SCENE V.
SCENE VI: SARK'S EVIL LAIR OF EVILNESS
SYDNEY ENTERS AND THE LIGHTS ARE LOW. SHE'S SLINKING AROUND STEALTHILY, GUN DRAWN AT THE READY. PEERING AROUND A CORNER, SHE SIGHTS A FIGURE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE. LEVELING HER GUN, SHE FIRES AT IT. THE ROUND RICOCHETS OFF THE WALL AND SYDNEY DUCKS AS IT COMES SAILING BACK AT HER.
VOICE: Stop, stop! Don't shoot me!
SYDNEY LEVELS THE GUN AT THE FIGURE AND APPROACHES CAUTIOUSLY. AS SHE GETS CLOSE, THE LIGHTS FLICKER ON. WILL IS TIED UP IN A CHAIR.
WILL (girly scream as he sees the gun pointing at his head): AAAAAHHHHHOHMYGOD!!
SYDNEY: Will! What are you doing here? I thought they kidnapped Vaughn!
WILL: Well, nice to see you too. It's always Vaughn this, Vaughn that, I want to have sex with Vaughn, I had sex with Vaughn and now I'm having his baby. Well what, I ask you, ever happened to Will?! I was the original man in your life and then, after two years of being dead and then coming back to life, I get nothing, not even a phone call! I nearly bled to death in a bathtub AND almost got my head blown off because of you! And what do I get? No thanks at all.
SYDNEY: I'm sorry, Will (she moves to untie him). I guess I got a little preoccupied with figuring out why I wiped my memory for two years and who the hell the Covenant was and why Mom would have sex with Sloane-
WILL: Ewwww!
SYDNEY: ... and who my sister was and why Dad killed Mom and... (stops suddenly) uh oh. Do you hear that?
WILL: What? (Silence, suddenly broken by an annoying beeping) Uh, Sydney? My... uh, my... down there is beeping! Help!
SYDNEY: I must have tripped something when I went to untie you! I think there's a bomb down there!
WILL: Well, turn it off!
SYDNEY: I, uh, can't.
WILL: What do you mean you can't! You're a freaking spy!
SYDNEY: Yes, but I can only diffuse bombs of apocalyptic scales, like those hidden in Russian graves in Virginia, and that was with Marshall's help. Plus, I don't think Vaughn would like me exploring down there.
WILL: Well, you've got to do something! You can't just let your former best friend explode!
ENTER BLUE, FLANKED BY SARK, AND LAUREN, GRUNTING AS SHE DRAGS VAUGHN IN A CHAIR BEHIND HER.
BLUE: Yes, Red, doooo something!
SYDNEY: For the last goddamn time! My name's not Red! It's just a wig! My name is Sydney Bristow and I work for... well, some secret espionage group, I can't keep track of them all anymore, but my point is: you're my alter-ego! I can cope with the few occasional cat-fights at Joey's Pizza, but now you've gone too far! Kidnapping is not cool.
BLUE: No, Red. You went too far when you put a bullet in my head the last time. Didn't you read the prologue?
SYDNEY: Yes, but that was a dream! As this most likely is. A very long and complex and extremely creative dream, but a dream nonetheless.
BLUE: Red, alter-egos have feelings too. We don't take lightly to being shot, beat up, blown up, flooded or held at knife-point.
WILL: Um, still beeping here! Mr. Tippin would like to keep his family jewels, if at all possible.
SYDNEY (pointing her gun at Blue): Blue, I'm sorry, but not all finales have a happy ending. Now, turn off the bomb in Will's manhood, untie Vaughn and let us walk out of here and I won't shoot you.
BLUE: Oh, silly Red.
You of all people should know:
Oh you can't get your men with a gun
With a gun, with a gun
No you can't get your men with a gun.
If I went to battle
With a pistol in my saddle
I'd be a steak when the fight was done.
SYDNEY: But if I shot the hurter
They'd holler "bloody murder"
And you can't shoot Red
In the head 'cause she'd be dead
Oh I can't save my men with a gun.
SYDNEY THROWS HER GUN DOWN ON THE FLOOR WITH A CLATTER AND PUTS UP HER FISTS, READY TO TAKE ON BLUE. AND THEN...
THEY FIGHT!
BLUE: I'm cool, I'm brave, I'm daring
To see my nemesis glaring
But we can't use our Remingtons
SYDNEY: But a look at my mister
Will raise a fever blister
BLUE STEALS A LOOK AT VAUGHN AND SYDNEY CLOCKS HER IN THE JAW WITH A SHARP RIGHT HOOK
BLUE (spitting blood): Oh you can't get your men with a gun.
BLUE LANDS A ROUNDHOUSE KICK ON SYDNEY.
SYDNEY (gritting her teeth): The gals with dog collas
Are always out with fellas
In the clubs or with blazing guns
But I cannot trifle
With bad guys who carry rifles.
SYDNEY DOES A BACKFLIP ACROSS THE STAGE, GRABS BLUE'S ARM AND TWISTS IT BEHIND HER BACK, INCAPACITATING HER.
BLUE: Oh you can't get your men with a gun
With a gun, with a gun,
No you can't get your men with a gun.
BLUE FLIPS SYDNEY SUDDENLY OVER HER BACK AND SYDNEY LANDS HARD ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HER.
SYDNEY (scurrying away from Blue in a backwards crab walk): A woman's love is mighty
It will lead her into fighties
To defend a guy who thinks she's fun
BLUE (pouncing on Sydney. They roll around on the floor): But girl-fights aren't as interesting
Without fist-fights and kung-fu bickering
SYDNEY PINS BLUE TO THE GROUND AFTER CRASHING INTO A MIRROR.
SYDNEY: And you can't give a hug
To a mug with a slug
Oh I can't save my men with a gun!
BLUE: You apparently can't get your men with sensible footwear either. Sorry, Red, but you lose. (Blue nods to Sark, who shoots Vaughn in the chest forty seven bajillion times).
SYDNEY: Nooooooo! You killed Vaughn!
LAUREN: You bastard! (slaps Sark).
WILL: STILL BEEPING!!
BLUE: One down, one to go, Red. You can't defeat me AND save Will, so which one is it going to be?
SARK: Wait! Before you kill her, I have a request.
BLUE (rolls eyes): If you weren't so pretty, I wouldn't put up with you. What is it?
SARK: I've had to endure many horrific things in my quest for Sydney's disguises. Well, at first it was a fetish, but it quickly turned into a full blown obsession. I've got The Wig, Sydney's most prized possession, and yet, I'm still unhappy. As I was standing there, watching you two fight, I realized what the problem was: I'm missing a wig. (He points to Sydney's head) Give me the wig, Sydney.
BLUE: You heard the man, give it to him.
SYDNEY: Now, hold on there just a darn minute. Blue, you've done some pretty horrific things to me too. This all started because I wanted a simple slice of pizza, but nooo, you and Frency (god rest her soul) just couldn't leave me alone. And so Sark has taken my outfits, many, many times. Fine. He's stolen The Wig. Okay, I suppose I could live with that. You ordered First-Mate Forehead killed in front of mine own eyes. Well, he was pretty, but I won't shed too many tears. But no one, I repeat, no one takes the original red wig. That's like a crime against humanity or something.
BEFORE BLUE CAN RESPOND, LAUREN GOES RUNNING ACROSS THE STAGE.
BLUE: What's going on with her? Can't she see we're having a dramatic climax here?!
LAUREN: Oooh, pretty! Red! Spinny! Shiny!
SYDNEY: Uh oh.
BLUE: Damn it.
SARK: What?
BLUE STARTS TO BACK AWAY AS A BIG RED CLIFFORD BALL APPEARS.
SYDNEY: Didn't you know? That's the only thing that can defeat Blue: Red.
SARK: Don't you mean Clifford?
SYDNEY: No. It's supposed to be a metaphor! Jeeze, you're almost as thick as Vaughn.
LAUREN IS RUNNING TOWARDS THE BIG RED BALL, BUT DOESN'T CALCULATE DISTANCE WELL AND FLATSPLATS RIGHT INTO THE SIDE OF CLIFFORD, LEAVING TWO EYE-HIGH RACOON LIKE MARKS ON THE RUBBER-LIKE MATERIAL. SHE GETS UP, WOOZY, ONLY TO BE THE RECIPIENT OF SEVERAL BULLETS FIRED FROM OFF-STAGE. SHE FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD.
SARK: Where on earth did that come from?
IRINA ENTERS FROM STAGE RIGHT, DRESSED TO THE NINES IN A TUXEDO SHIRT AND BLACK PANTS, A MARTINI IN ONE HAND AND A SMOKING GUN IN THE OTHER. JACK FOLLOWS IN HIS ARMANI SUIT.
JACK: She's tall and she's dark
And like a shark, she looks for trouble
That's why she had a double
Mrs. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
She's sexy and she's smooth
And she can soothe you like vanilla
The gentlewoman's a killer
Mrs. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Russians and Rambaldi
Have filled this stranger's past
Like a knife, she cuts through life
Like every day's the last
She's fast, and she's cool
She's from the school that loves and leaves them
A pity if it grieves 'em
Mrs. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
SARK: Mom?
IRINA: No, my confused little protégé. That would have been sooo wrong. (she clocks him in the back of the head with her pistol) He's all yours, Syd.
SYDNEY (smiling): I know exactly what to do with him. (She drags him offstage and returns, holding his clothes and The Wig Chamber) He'll be so happy when he wakes up... I left him a keychain!
JACK: Well done, Sydney. Now we have only to deal with Blue here.
WILL: HELLOOOO? Have we forgotten I'm STILL BEEPING?!
IRINA: Oh, well, you see, I've seen Mission Impossible III, so I know how to handle this. (She pulls out a crash cart). Come with me.
WILL: Is this going to hurt?
IRINA: Maybe. We'll find out, but truth takes time, so I hope you don't have an appointment to get to.
IRINA AND WILL EXIT, LEAVING JACK, SYDNEY AND BLUE ONSTAGE WITH CLIFFORD.
BLUE: So, I guess this is the end.
JACK HANDS SYDNEY A REMOTE DETONATOR.
JACK: There are two red mercury charges attached to the power source. You know what to do.
SYDNEY: Thanks, daddy.
EXIT JACK
BLUE: Well, it's been fun.
SYDNEY: Yeah, but all good things must come to an end, eventually. Or else they go on for a season too long and suck major ass.
BLUE: No kidding. Okay, goodbye Bozo the Red-Haired Clown. I hope we meet again some day.
SYDNEY: I don't.
SHE PRESSES THE BUTTON AND THE STAGE GOES DARK. END OF SCENE VI.
SCENE VII: JOEY'S PIZZA
SYDNEY AND VAUGHN ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH. VAUGHN'S MUNCHING AWAY AT HIS PIZZA AND SYDNEY IS SLUMPED OVER THE TABLE, SLEEPING.
VAUGHN: Waiter? I have a question. Can I get peanuts on this?
WAITER (who is tall and hot, but in a slightly icky fashion): Let me check. We were held up at gunpoint by some squirrels the other day and I think they wiped us out. But I'll go into the kitchen and see.
VAUGHN: Thanks. (Looks over to see Sydney sleeping) Syd, hey, wake up. (He shakes her and she groans groggily) Your pizza is here and it's getting cold.
SYDNEY (waking up with a start): Vaughn! You're not dead!
VAUGHN: Of course not! I'm sitting here eating pizza with you. Besides, you only live twice, right? Well, actually, I guess I'm on my third or fourth one right now. There was the Clifford-swimming pool incident, my bout with deadly fingernail bleeding disorder, the time you stabbed me, my near-death by the Orgasm Protocol or whatever that thing was the Sark did to me, the car crash and the time that Gordon Dean shot me. (Counts on his fingers) Yeah, I think that's it.
SYDNEY: But you were shot by Sark! A bajillion times! After Blue ordered him to do it! After we sang this really cool musical number while we were knocking ourselves silly!
VAUGHN: Who's Blue? And I wasn't shot, look. (He opens up his shirt) Damn, where did those come from?
SYDNEY: What?
VAUGHN: Bullet scars. (Cue Twilight Zone music)
WAITER (yelling from the kitchen): Isn't that weird?!
SYDNEY AND VAUGHN PROCEED TO EAT THEIR PIZZA TOGETHER AS A SWEDO-RUSSIAN VOICE DRIFTS IN FROM THE KITCHEN.
VOICE: From Russia with love, I fly to you
Much wiser since my first
goodbye to you
I've traveled the world to learn
I must return from Russia with love.
I've seen places,
Faces, smiled for a moment
But oh, you haunted me so
Still my tongue tied, young pride
Would not let my love for you show
In case you'd say no
To Russia I flew, but there and then
I suddenly knew you'd care again
My running around is through
I fly to you from Russia with looooove.
WAITER: Come to Big Papa, my darling. Thaaat's it.... oh yeaaah...
CURTAIN.
If you got this far, I congratulate you! Thanks for reading!
Enjoy!
PROLOGUE
ENTER BLUE ONSTAGE, ALONE, UNDER A SPOTLIGHT.
BLUE: Looked dead, didn't I?
Well I wasn't, but it wasn't for lack of trying,
I can tell you that.
Actually Red's last bullet put me in a coma.
A coma I was to lie in for two years.
When I woke up ...
I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a Roaring Rampage of Revenge.
I roared and I rampaged and I got bloody satisfaction.
I've killed a hell lot of people to get to this point.
But I have only one more.
The last one.
The one I'm driving to right now.
The only one left.
And when I arrive at my destination... I am gonna Kill Red.
LIGHTING FADES TO BLACK. END PROLOGUE.
SCENE I: SYDNEY'S BARBIE PENTHOUSE.
SYDNEY'S HANGING OUT WITH VAUGHN, WEISS AND NADIA, DRINKING BEER, EATING PEANUTS AND ECLAIRS
SYDNEY: Oooh, ooh, do you remember that time we went on that mission and... (spills her beer).
VAUGHN: Honey, I think you've had enough. Give me the glass and we'll get you your fuzzy flannel pajamas and head off to bed.
NADIA: Party pooper! You're no fun. Come on, we've only had (tries to count on her fingers) twelve beers between the four of us.
WEISS: You're not counting the shots of vodka AND the mixed drinks we had with dinner.
SYDNEY: Do you remember the last time we were drinking together? In that bar... in Russia... and there was vodka... and my parents were there...
(Vaughn and Weiss look at each other in a panicked manner)
VAUGHN: We don't talk about that.
SYDNEY (ignoring Vaughn): I just love spending time with my dad. You know, we like, never hung out when I was little.
NADIA: At least you KNEW who your parents were. I had to go through nearly twenty years not realizing that my mom was a KGB double agent and my dad was a power-crazed, fanatical, egomaniacal terrorist.
SYDNEY (getting up off the floor and raising her beer in a toast. Cue sad strings in the background):
Oh, Nadia, you have no idea.
Daddy Daddy wasn't there
Daddy Daddy wasn't there to take me to the fair
It seems he didn't care
Daddy wasn't there
Daddy Daddy wasn't there to change my swanky spy-wear
It seemed he didn't care
Daddy wasn't there
When I was first disguised
When I was agent-ized
When I was Sloane-ized
When I was de-virginized
Guns 'n' lots of lies
When I was recognized
When I hung my head and cried
Daddy wasn't there
If you got a Daddy issues, he's a Daddy tissue (JJ)
D to the A to the D-D-Y
D to the A to the D-D-Y
Say it's just a fad but I had a deadbeat dad
D to the A to the D-D-Y
D to the A to the D-D-Y
I sit in my room and spy, and I ask myself the reason why
Daddy, Daddy
D-A-D-D-Y, peace.
(sits down and chugs her beer)
WEISS: But Jack wasn't there because he was too busy dealing with the tragic "death" of his "wife" and was actually in prison for a little while, during which time you stayed with Sloane and Emily even though later you had no recollection of doing so and thus were able to work for Sloane for years before seeing him for the evil little troll he is.
NADIA: Hey, that's my dad you're talking about!
WEISS: What? It's true!
NADIA: No it's not!
WEISS: Yes, it is!
VAUGHN: Stop bickering, you two! You're not allowed to do that until you're married. Now come on, Sydney and Weiss. Let's go into the kitchen so we can give Nadia an opportunity to be onstage alone and sing a touching little Iggy Pop tune. Plus, I'm out of peanuts. (Exit Sydney, Vaughn and Weiss, stage left).
NADIA (onstage alone, now sitting on the couch in a thoughtful manner): They always forget me, don't they? I'm not Nadia, I'm "Sydney's Little Sis." Well, one day, they'll see. I'm special too. I remember that night... the night in Sogov... Sogovid... that fictional Russian city. (Dances across the stage in remembrance)
I am The Passenger
And I spy and I spy
Spy through the city's back sides
See the angels fall from the sky
Yeah the bright red Russian sky
You know I look so good tonight
I am The Passenger
I stay undercover
I look through my red eyes so bright
See the red horses come out tonight
I see the bright red Russian sky
Over the city's red back side
And everything looks bad tonight
Sing it
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la
Get onto the subway
I'll be The Passenger
I'll fight with the Chosen One at night
See the city's red back side
See the big red ball in the sky
See my red eyes shine so bright
The fight made for us tonight
Oh The Passenger
How how she fights
Oh The Passenger
She fights and fights
Looks through her red eyes
What does she see?
Sees the bright red and hollow sky
Sees the Bristows come out tonight
Sees the city's red back side
Sees the not-so-kick-ass-girlfight
And everything was destined for Syd and me
All of it was destined for Syd and me
It just was meant for Syd and me
So let's go on 'n' fight
See what's mine
Sing it
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la
WEISS (enters from the kitchen, looks at Nadia, concerned): Ummm, Nadia? Sydney needs you in the kitchen. Something about a toaster emergency.
NADIA: Oh... uh. Yeah. Gotcha. (Exits into the kitchen, Vaughn and Weiss go into the living room. Vaughn sits down on the couch, sipping his beer while Weiss stands awkwardly nearby, his hands in his pockets.)
VAUGHN (noticing Weiss isn't sitting down): So... fun night, eh?
WEISS: Yeah.
VAUGHN: Is there something on your mind?
WEISS: Yes, Mike, there actually is. There's just something I need to get off my chest.
I'm not wearing underwear today,
No, I'm not wearing underwear today
Not that you probably care
Much about my underwear
Still none the less I gotta say
That I'm not wearing underwear today
(Awkward silence).
VAUGHN: Yeeeah. That's great, But Eric, we usually only go commando on extended treks in the jungle, not beer night at Sydney's.
WEISS: You just don't get it, do you?! I'm tired of being your non-boyfriend and pretending to be straight by dating Sydney's hot sister-
NADIA: It's Nadia, jeeze!
WEISS: See? I'm not very good at this stuff! Come on, Mike... come away with me! Sydney's a good looking gal, she'll find another man!
VAUGHN: Weiss, you're a big guy, but I think you've had a little too much to drink tonight. It's time for you to go home.
WEISS: With you?
VAUGHN (steering him towards the door): No, with your girlfriend. Nadia!
NADIA (coming out of the kitchen): What?
VAUGHN: Take him home and make sure he gets some extra special attention tonight. (winks)
NADIA: Oooh. Right. (giggles) Adios, guys!
(Vaughn shuts the door as the leave and collapses against it once it's closed, breathing a sigh of relief.)
SYDNEY (her voice floating across the stage): Oh, Captain Non-Courageous! I've got a surprise for you in the closet!
VAUGHN: Sweet! I love it when beer nights are followed by "Let's get drunk and try on Sydney's wigs" nights! Where are my heels...
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK. END OF SCENE I
SCENE II: SYDNEY'S CLOSET
SYDNEY IS PULLING WIGS OFF OF STYROFOAM HEADS IN A DRUNKEN ECSTASY. SHE FLICKS ON A SWITCH AND A DOOR OPENS UP. SPOTLIGHTS TURN ON, MUSIC CUES AND A DISCO BALL DROPS FROM THE CEILING, SPARKLING. INSIDE IS THE WIG, PERFECTLY FRAMED BY THIS DISPLAY.
SYDNEY: Ah, my good friend, how I've missed you so! (She lifts it off the head, with great care and, looking in the mirror, places it protectively on her head. She fluffs is gently and squeals with delight).
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and
witty and gay!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.
See that pretty girl in the mirror there!
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty wig
Such a pretty dress
Such a pretty smile
Such a pretty me!
I feel stunning
And entrancing
Feel like running
And dancing for joy!
For I'm loved-
VAUGHN: By a pretty and wonderful boy-scout!
SYDNEY: Finally! I was starting to worry you'd been abducted by Sark. Or something.
VAUGHN: No, we were out of peanuts, so I had to go raid the bunker stash. Let's see, what game shall we play tonight (he goes through her clothes, pulling out a turban)... how about Bhutan Gunshot Recoveree ravishes Native Klan Girl?
SYDNEY (shaking her head): Nooo, we played that one a couple weeks ago. (Picks out Cap Feratt dress) How about Cute Blonde Partygoer saves Shirtless Soon-to-be Science Experiment?
VAUGHN: That's okay. I don't like sharp objects. (He pulls out her red wig, dusting it off) Here, we haven't used this one in a while.
SYDNEY: But I've already got my blonde wig on! And whenever I put that one on, we seem to end up at Joey's Pizza fighting evil villains who want either world domination or my wardrobe.
VAUGHN: Pleeeease, Syd? I'll get out my leather jacket, and-
SYDNEY (putting the blonde wig back in the chamber): Say no more. I'll meet you in the bedroom in five minutes.
THEY BOTH EXIT STAGE RIGHT AND A FEW MOMENTS LATER, WE HEAR A VOICE OFFSTAGE
VAUGHN: Who do you work for, you pretty little girl...?
SYDNEY: Bite me!
VAUGHN: With pleasure...
THE SOUND OF GIGGLES AND HEAVY BREATHING FADES AWAY AS THE LIGHTS ONSTAGE DIM. FOUR OR FIVE DARK FIGURES ENTER THE CLOSET DISCREETLY FROM STAGE LEFT, MOVING ABOUT WITH GREAT CARE. THEY BEGIN RUMMAGING AROUND IN SYDNEY'S CLOTHES AS A FINAL FIGURE ENTERS. THE LIGHTS SLOWLY COME BACK ON AGAIN AND WE SEE IT'S SARK, DRESSED ENTIRELY IN BLACK AND WEARING SOME VERY HOT AVIATOR SHADES.
SARK: Well, that was easier than I had expected. What sort of spy leaves her front door unlocked?
HENCHMAN #1: The Worst!
HENCHMAN #2: Spy!
HENCHMAN #3: Ever!
SARK: That's right, gentlemen. And tonight, I shall execute my most evil plan ever. Tonight is the night we raid Sydney's closet. (He peers off stage right) It appears she is quite occupied at the moment, so we need not worry about disturbing her. (Cue campy music)
The heels of Dolche
The scarfs of Versache
Will seem like mere trinkets
By this time tomorrow
The clothes we find here
Will dwarf them by far
Oh, with it's got in it, boys
Dig up Syd's closet, boys
Mine, boys, mine ev'ry outfit
And dig, boys, dig 'til ya drop
Grab a skirt, boys
Flirt, boys
Hand in a handbag
Uncover those lovely
Accessories that sparkle and shine
They're clothes and they're mine, mine, mine
SARK'S LACKEYS: Wig and wig and wig and wiggety
Wig and wig and wig and wiggety
SARK: Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny
Oh, how I love it
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny
Aliases for cheap!
Hey nonny nonny
Ho nonny nonny
There'll be heaps of them
And I'll be on top of the heap!
My rivals back home
It's not that I'm bitter
But think how they'll squirm
When they see how I glitter
The ladies at court
Will be all a-twitter
My boss will reward me
He'll knight me... no, lord me!
It's mine, mine, mine
For the taking
It's mine, boys
Mine me those clothes!
With that Spanish rug... (picks up poncho from Season 3)
It's glory they'll gimme
My dear friend, King Arvie
Will probably build me a shrine
When aaaaall of the clothes... are mine.
SARK'S LACKEYS: Wig and wig and wig and wiggety
Wig and wig and wiggety-wig!
IN DANCES SYDNEY FROM STAGE RIGHT. IT'S OBVIOUS SHE'S BEEN SLEEPING BECAUSE SHE'S WEARING THE RED WIG AND IT'S TOUSLED.
SYDNEY: All of my life, I have searched for a villain
Like this one
A smoother more challenging bad guy
I couldn't design
Hundreds of dangers await
And I don't plan to miss one
With man I can't claim
A man I can't tame
The greatest adventure is mine!
HENCHMAN #1 (whispers to Sark): I think she's sleepwalking.
SARK: I can see that, you idiot. But we have to finish the song.
Keep on working lads
Don't be shirking, lads
Mine, boys, mine
Mine me those clothes
Beautiful clothes
SARK'S LACKEYS: Mine
Find another load (move towards the wig chamber)
Then find the mother lode!
Wig! and Wig! and wiggety
Wig! Wig! for those clothes
ALL: Make this closet
A deposit
SARK: Make the mounds big, boys
I'd help you to dig, boys
But I've got this crick in me spine (Courtesy of Jack Bristow)!
SYDNEY: This man we behold!
SARK (holding up the blonde wig): This beauty untold!
SYDNEY: A woman can be bold!
SARK: It all can't be sold!
SARK'S LACKEYS (breaking into the wig chamber): So go for the clothes
We know which are here
All the riches here
From this minute
This closet and what's in it
Mine!
SARK: And those clothes
Are...
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!
Wig and wig and wiggety-wig!
Hey nonny nonny nonny it's mine!
SARK HOLDS UP THE BLONDE WIG IN VICTORY AS HIS LACKEYS CLUSTER AROUND HIM. MEANWHILE, SYDNEY SLEEPWALKS BACK INTO HER ROOM.
SARK: Boys, we have what we came for. Stuff the rest of the clothes into your bags and we'll be off, before Sydney knows what hit her.
VAUGHN ENTERS FROM STAGE RIGHT IN HIS "PAJAMAS," WHICH WE ALL KNOW, IN SHOTGUN'S WORLD, MEANS SHIRTLESS AND IN BOXER SHORTS. HIS HAIR IS MESSY AND HE'S RUBBING HIS EYES SLEEPILY
VAUGHN: Sydney? What's going on in here? I heard an incredibly catchy tune intended for seven-year-olds, which I am unable to get out of my head. (He blinks, taking in the scene before him) Sark??
SARK: Ah, Michael. Looking devilishly handsome tonight, as always. I'd almost forgotten. I have to take you with me. (He levels his gun at Vaughn and fires two tranq darts at him. They stick in his neck and he hits the ground with a sleepy thud.) The mission is complete, lads! Pack up and let's go home.
SARK PUTS THE BLONDE WIG IN HIS OWN PORTABLE STEEL WIG CHAMBER AND SNEAKS OUT WITH HIS LACKEYS.
SARK (humming): Wig and wig and wiggety-wig... hey nonny nonny it's mine!
THE STAGE FADES TO BLACK; END OF SCENE II.
SCENE III: SARK'S EVIL LAIR.
FROM THE BLACK, A SPOTLIGHT LIGHTS UP THE STAGE, ILLUMINATING VAUGHN, WHO'S SITTING HANDCUFFED TO AN ALUMINUM CHAIR. SARK ENTERS THE CIRCLE OF LIGHT.
SARK (slapping Vaughn's face to wake him up): Bonjour, monsieur.
VAUGHN: Whaa? Hold on a minute, where am I? What happened? Last thing I remember, I was having wild, role-playing sex with Sydney, and then I went to sleep for a minute...
SARK: And then you came into Sydney's closet as I was raiding it and I kidnapped you. We all read the last scene, Mr. Vaughn, I think we know what's going on.
VAUGHN: But why? You apparently got Sydney's aliases, so what do you need me for?
SARK: Oh, Michael, though you may look quite dashing in glasses, you've really not got much upstairs. My kidnapping of you was a favor for an old friend. (Enter Lauren)
VAUGHN: Uh oh. This can't be good.
SARK: I'll leave you two alone for a few minutes. (Exit stage right)
VAUGHN (gritting his teeth): What do you want with me?
LAUREN: Oh, didn't you miss me, Michael? Things haven't been quite the same since you tried to kill me last.
VAUGHN: Which time was that?
LAUREN: It doesn't matter. (Cue piano music as Lauren paces around Vaughn's chair.)
Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes I'm wrong
But you didn't care
You strang along
You loved me so
That funny honey of mine,
Sometimes I'm good
Sometimes I'm bad
But you followed 'round
Like some droopy-eyed pup
You loved me so
That gunny honey of mine
You were once a sheik
You've got a great physique
But lord knows you ain't got the smarts
Oh but look at that forehead
I tell you in bed
You're a while lot greater than
Some of those old farts
And if you knew you like me
I know you'd agree
What if the world
Slandered my name
Why, you'd be right there
Taking my blame
You loved me so
And that all suited me fine
That funny, gunny, honey
Ex-bubby of mine
VAUGHN (Spoken): A man's got a right to protect and his loved ones, right?
LAUREN (Spoken): Of course, he has.
VAUGHN (Spoken): Well, I came in from the bedroom, bitch, and I see Sark in the closet. With my girlfriend, Sydney, there, sleepin'... like an angel...
LAUREN: You loved me so
That funny honey of mine.
VAUGHN (Spoken): ... an angel!
I mean, supposin', just supposin', he had violated her
or somethin'... you know what I mean... violated?
LAUREN (Spoken): I know what you mean...
VAUGHN (Spoken):... or something'. Think of how terrible that would have been.
It's a good thing that I had to go pee, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!
LAUREN: He loved me so
That funny honey of mine.
(Spoken)
Name of the contractor... Blue Bristow.
VAUGHN (Spoken): Blue Bristow?! How could she put you up to this?
Blue is Sydney! Or at least, one of her alter-egos.
LAUREN: Lord knows he ain't go the smarts
VAUGHN (Spoken): Sydney lied to me! She told me Blue was dead!
LAUREN (Spoken): You mean dead like all the other aliases?
VAUGHN (Spoken): She told me she shot Blue! Right after my mom did. She had her covered in a sheet and was was retelling me that death by cock and bull story and saying that we'd never have to deal with Blue again because character alias rounds were coming up. Dead, huh!
LAUREN: Now, you shot up my back
I can't stand you, slap!
Look at him go
Ignoring the me
With just one more brain
What a half-wit he'd be
You had shot me up
Well I knew who
Killed the swine!
VAUGHN (Spoken): I believed you!
You're a cheap little tramp. So, you
Were two-timing me, huh?
Well, then, you could have just
Rotted for all I care.
Boy, I'm down at the Oops Center
Working my butt off fourteen
Hours a day and you' were up munchin'
On goddamn bon-bons with Sark!
You finally pushed me too far.
That little chiseler.
Boy, what a sap I was!
LAUREN: That scruffy, crummy
Dummy ex-hubby of miiiiiiine!
(She plants a passionate, wet kiss on Vaughn's lip and, pulling away, blood drips from Vaughn's mouth.)
VAUGHN (spitting blood in Lauren's face): You are one sick COW.
LAUREN (wiping the blood away and smearing her eyeliner in the process): Thanks, honey.
VAUGHN: So Blue's the one behind this?
LAUREN: Well, the alias raid was Sark's idea, but Blue gave him... some "incentive" to bring you back "here" to "lure" Red to the "lair" where "Blue" will be "waiting" for her.
VAUGHN: You really need a license to operate those air quotes because you're butchering them.
(Enter Sark, with Sloane close behind)
SARK:... and as you can see, along with that truckload of Sydney's disguises I acquired, I also have her boy-toy here. Aren't you proud of me, Arvin?
SLOANE: I'm not really sure why you're showing me this, Sark. I'm a reformed man.
SARK (laughing): Oh, that's rich, Arvin, RICH I tell you. Hehe, how long did it take you to think that one up. Freaking hilarious.
SLOANE: No, I'm serious!
Some people say that I'm a bad guy
They may be right, they may be right
But it's not as if I don't try
I'm just fucked up, try as I might.
But I can change, I can change
I can learn to keep my promises I swear it
I'll open up my heart, and I will share it
Any minute now I will be born again
Yes, I can change, I can change
I know that I've been a dirty little bastard
I like to kill, I like to mate, I like to sing
But it's okay cuz I can change.
See its not my fault that I'm so evil
It's Rambaldi, Rambaldi
You see my dreams were sometimes elusive
And it made a prick of me.
But I can change I can change
I can learn to keep my promises I know it
I'll open up my heart, and I will show it
Any minute now I will be born again.
SARK: But what if you never change
What if you remain a sandy little butthole?
SLOANE: Hey, Satan... I mean, Sark
Don't be such a twit
Mother Theresa won't have shit on me
Just watch, just watch me change
Here I go I'm changing.
Ahhh
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ahhh
(Whistling the tune)
Hey Satan.
(Exits stage left, still whistling the tune)
SARK: Okaaay. That was a weird little cameo. I guess that song was just too perfect for Shotgun to pass up. Anyway, back to the story.
LAUREN: That's all we have to say right now. We need to go see how Sydney's handling the disappearance of her one true wuv!
SARK: Ah, yes. Lights please!
STAGE GOES TO BLACK. END OF SCENE III.
SCENE IV: MALIBU BARBIE PENTHOUSE, SYDNEY'S CLOSET
SYDNEY ENTERS FROM STAGE RIGHT IN HER PAJAMAS, THE RED WIG IN ONE HAND. IT'S THE NEXT MORNING AND SHE'S A LITTLE BLEARY EYED FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.
SYDNEY: Vaughn? Vaaaaughn, where are you! Hide-and-go-get-peanuts isn't until tomorrow night. (She sees the mess in her closet, clothes strewn everywhere.) Oh, the carnage! What happened here? (Sydney sees a note taped to the wig chamber) What's this? (She picks up the note and reads it intently. He face turns white as she crumples up the note and tosses it angrily on the floor.) Sark! Not only has he taken my boyfriend, but also my best friend! The wig! How dare he! Someone's going to catch the Bristow Wrath of Death for this!
(She looks at the bottom of the note)
It was... Blue.
(Cue bass and harmonica as Dixon sits down on the front of the stage, rollin' to a tune as Sydney gets ready for battle).
DIXON: You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun,
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One
She said: You're on in a million
You've got the wig to shine
But you were born under a bad sign (Rambaldi eye flashes across the stage)
With a blue wig in your sights.
Then ya
You woke up this morning
You one true love has gone
Your Papa never told you
About right and wrong
But you're looking good baby
I believe you're feeling fine (shame about it),
Born under a bad sign
With a blue wig in your sights.
Yeah, sing it now
Woke up this morning
Gotta blue wig (blue wig in your eyes)
Woke up this morning
You see you woke up this morning
The world turned upside down,
Lordy, well things ain't been the same
Since Blue walked into town.
But you're one in a million
'Cause you've got that shotgun shinin' (shame about it)
Born under a bad sign
With a blue wig in your sights, yeah.
Woke up this morning (yeah) and
Got yourself a gun (woke up this morning),
Got yourself a gun
Got yourself a gun.
SYDNEY SLIDES THE CLIP INTO HER GUN WITH A MENACING *CLICK* AND ADJUSTS HER RED WIG IN THE MIRROR. NOW DRESSED IN A BLACK TURTLENECK AND JEANS, SHE'S READY TO RUMBLE AND, WITH A DETERMINED LOOK ON HER FACE, SLIDES HER GUN INTO HER WAISTBAND.
SYDNEY: Blue is gonna pay, once and for all.
This ends now.
THE LIGHTS CUT TO BLACK DRAMATICALLY. END OF SCENE IV.
SCENE V: A BAR IN WISCONSIN.
OPEN ON A ROUDY CONTRACTORS' BAR. AMIDST THE DRINKERS, WE SEE WILL TIPPIN AT A BARSTOOL, NURSING A BEER.
CONTRACTOR #1: What's wrong, Jonah? You've only had a couple of sips tonight.
CONTRACTOR #2: Yeah... normally you're through a six-pack by this point.
WILL: I guess I'm just a little depressed. I just can't believe that Fox cancelled Kitchen Confidential! That was such a good show, and it was funny, and it had a really cute star, not to mention this incredibly hot french guest star-
CONTRACTOR #2: Aww, get over it, Jonah. Cancellations happen.
ENTER SYDNEY, IN A WET SUIT, FRANCIE, WEARING AN APRON AND VAUGHN, DRESSED IN A BLUE OXFORD AND GRAY SUIT.
SYDNEY (to the bartender): Um, excuse me, we're looking for a Mr. Will Tippin. I've heard he's a regular here.
BARTENDER: I ain't never heard of no Will Tippin. Hey, Jonah, do you know a Will?
WILL (panicked): Uh, no. I don't. But I'm sure I can help these wonderful people find him. (Pulling Sydney aside) What the hell are you doing here?! Do you know the pains I've gone to in order to make my past life disappear?
SYDNEY: Oh, come on... you didn't mind me blowing your cover back in Amsterdam.
WILL: That was... uh... different. (Notices Francie) What's she doing here? I thought I killed her!
SYDNEY: Oh, that's... uh... the real Francie! Yeah, not the double. The nice one. The good one.
WILL: So she's a spy too?
VAUGHN: That's right. Just like Sydney and me. And Sydney's dad. And Sydney's mom. And Sydney's sister. And my dad. And, well... not my mom. She's not a spy. Nuh-uh no way.
(Cue surreal guitar music)
I awake to find no peace of mind
I said how do I live
As a fugitive?
Down here, where I cannot see so clear
I said what do I know?
Show me the right way to go.
And the spies came out of the water (looks at Sydney in her wetsuit suspiciously)
But you're feeling so bad 'cause you know
And spies hide out in every bar now
But you can't touch them no
'Cause they're all spies!
They're all spies! (Backs away from the three spies, who are crowding around him menacingly)
I awake to see that I'm not really free
I'm just a fugitive, look at the way I live
Down here, I cannot sleep from fear no,
I said which way do I turn?
Oh, I forgot everything I learned
And the spies came out of the water
But you're feeling so bad 'cause you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can't touch them now (puts a longing hand on Sydney's shoulder)
'Cause they're all spies!
They're all spies!
(Will starts to realize there's something fishy about this situation and starts weaving in and out of patrons, trying to escape).
And if I don't hide here,
They're gonna find me
And if I don't hide now
They're gonna catch me when I sleep
And if I don't hide now
They're gonna find me
And the spies came out of the water
But you're feeling so good 'cause you know
That those spies hide out in every corner
And they can catch you, yes (Sydney finally catches up to Will and puts him in a choke hold)
'Cause they're just spies.
They're just- (Will passes out)
THE BAR HAS EMPTIED OUT AND NOW IT'S JUST THE THREE SPIES AND WILL. SYDNEY PULLS OF THE HEADGEAR OF THE WETSUIT WITH A FLOURISH AND WE SEE IT'S BLUE. "VAUGHN" AND "FRANCIE" PULL OFF RUBBER MASKS TO REVEAL... SARK AND LAUREN.
BLUE: Excellent! Phase Two of my evil plan is complete. The destruction of Red's life is just beginning.
SARK: But Will hasn't been a part of Sydney's life since Season 2. How is this going to destroy her?
BLUE: Shut up and stop asking questions. Now, get him out of here.
SARK (looking at Lauren): You hear her. Get him out of here.
LAUREN TRIES TO LIFT WILL, BUT ALAS, CANNOT.
LAUREN: I caaan't. He's so heeeavy. Sarkie, why won't you do this for me?
SARK: Because I certainly don't keep you around for the sex. (He and Blue start walking out)
LAUREN (grabbing Will under the armpits and dragging him sloppily across the floor): Fine! But this had better mean *grunt* that I get to buy that super special pair of clear plastic heels from Payless that flash when you walk! Because those are so swank...
LIGHTS DIM AS THE DEADLY TRIO WALKS OUT OF THE BAR. END OF SCENE V.
SCENE VI: SARK'S EVIL LAIR OF EVILNESS
SYDNEY ENTERS AND THE LIGHTS ARE LOW. SHE'S SLINKING AROUND STEALTHILY, GUN DRAWN AT THE READY. PEERING AROUND A CORNER, SHE SIGHTS A FIGURE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE. LEVELING HER GUN, SHE FIRES AT IT. THE ROUND RICOCHETS OFF THE WALL AND SYDNEY DUCKS AS IT COMES SAILING BACK AT HER.
VOICE: Stop, stop! Don't shoot me!
SYDNEY LEVELS THE GUN AT THE FIGURE AND APPROACHES CAUTIOUSLY. AS SHE GETS CLOSE, THE LIGHTS FLICKER ON. WILL IS TIED UP IN A CHAIR.
WILL (girly scream as he sees the gun pointing at his head): AAAAAHHHHHOHMYGOD!!
SYDNEY: Will! What are you doing here? I thought they kidnapped Vaughn!
WILL: Well, nice to see you too. It's always Vaughn this, Vaughn that, I want to have sex with Vaughn, I had sex with Vaughn and now I'm having his baby. Well what, I ask you, ever happened to Will?! I was the original man in your life and then, after two years of being dead and then coming back to life, I get nothing, not even a phone call! I nearly bled to death in a bathtub AND almost got my head blown off because of you! And what do I get? No thanks at all.
SYDNEY: I'm sorry, Will (she moves to untie him). I guess I got a little preoccupied with figuring out why I wiped my memory for two years and who the hell the Covenant was and why Mom would have sex with Sloane-
WILL: Ewwww!
SYDNEY: ... and who my sister was and why Dad killed Mom and... (stops suddenly) uh oh. Do you hear that?
WILL: What? (Silence, suddenly broken by an annoying beeping) Uh, Sydney? My... uh, my... down there is beeping! Help!
SYDNEY: I must have tripped something when I went to untie you! I think there's a bomb down there!
WILL: Well, turn it off!
SYDNEY: I, uh, can't.
WILL: What do you mean you can't! You're a freaking spy!
SYDNEY: Yes, but I can only diffuse bombs of apocalyptic scales, like those hidden in Russian graves in Virginia, and that was with Marshall's help. Plus, I don't think Vaughn would like me exploring down there.
WILL: Well, you've got to do something! You can't just let your former best friend explode!
ENTER BLUE, FLANKED BY SARK, AND LAUREN, GRUNTING AS SHE DRAGS VAUGHN IN A CHAIR BEHIND HER.
BLUE: Yes, Red, doooo something!
SYDNEY: For the last goddamn time! My name's not Red! It's just a wig! My name is Sydney Bristow and I work for... well, some secret espionage group, I can't keep track of them all anymore, but my point is: you're my alter-ego! I can cope with the few occasional cat-fights at Joey's Pizza, but now you've gone too far! Kidnapping is not cool.
BLUE: No, Red. You went too far when you put a bullet in my head the last time. Didn't you read the prologue?
SYDNEY: Yes, but that was a dream! As this most likely is. A very long and complex and extremely creative dream, but a dream nonetheless.
BLUE: Red, alter-egos have feelings too. We don't take lightly to being shot, beat up, blown up, flooded or held at knife-point.
WILL: Um, still beeping here! Mr. Tippin would like to keep his family jewels, if at all possible.
SYDNEY (pointing her gun at Blue): Blue, I'm sorry, but not all finales have a happy ending. Now, turn off the bomb in Will's manhood, untie Vaughn and let us walk out of here and I won't shoot you.
BLUE: Oh, silly Red.
You of all people should know:
Oh you can't get your men with a gun
With a gun, with a gun
No you can't get your men with a gun.
If I went to battle
With a pistol in my saddle
I'd be a steak when the fight was done.
SYDNEY: But if I shot the hurter
They'd holler "bloody murder"
And you can't shoot Red
In the head 'cause she'd be dead
Oh I can't save my men with a gun.
SYDNEY THROWS HER GUN DOWN ON THE FLOOR WITH A CLATTER AND PUTS UP HER FISTS, READY TO TAKE ON BLUE. AND THEN...
THEY FIGHT!
BLUE: I'm cool, I'm brave, I'm daring
To see my nemesis glaring
But we can't use our Remingtons
SYDNEY: But a look at my mister
Will raise a fever blister
BLUE STEALS A LOOK AT VAUGHN AND SYDNEY CLOCKS HER IN THE JAW WITH A SHARP RIGHT HOOK
BLUE (spitting blood): Oh you can't get your men with a gun.
BLUE LANDS A ROUNDHOUSE KICK ON SYDNEY.
SYDNEY (gritting her teeth): The gals with dog collas
Are always out with fellas
In the clubs or with blazing guns
But I cannot trifle
With bad guys who carry rifles.
SYDNEY DOES A BACKFLIP ACROSS THE STAGE, GRABS BLUE'S ARM AND TWISTS IT BEHIND HER BACK, INCAPACITATING HER.
BLUE: Oh you can't get your men with a gun
With a gun, with a gun,
No you can't get your men with a gun.
BLUE FLIPS SYDNEY SUDDENLY OVER HER BACK AND SYDNEY LANDS HARD ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HER.
SYDNEY (scurrying away from Blue in a backwards crab walk): A woman's love is mighty
It will lead her into fighties
To defend a guy who thinks she's fun
BLUE (pouncing on Sydney. They roll around on the floor): But girl-fights aren't as interesting
Without fist-fights and kung-fu bickering
SYDNEY PINS BLUE TO THE GROUND AFTER CRASHING INTO A MIRROR.
SYDNEY: And you can't give a hug
To a mug with a slug
Oh I can't save my men with a gun!
BLUE: You apparently can't get your men with sensible footwear either. Sorry, Red, but you lose. (Blue nods to Sark, who shoots Vaughn in the chest forty seven bajillion times).
SYDNEY: Nooooooo! You killed Vaughn!
LAUREN: You bastard! (slaps Sark).
WILL: STILL BEEPING!!
BLUE: One down, one to go, Red. You can't defeat me AND save Will, so which one is it going to be?
SARK: Wait! Before you kill her, I have a request.
BLUE (rolls eyes): If you weren't so pretty, I wouldn't put up with you. What is it?
SARK: I've had to endure many horrific things in my quest for Sydney's disguises. Well, at first it was a fetish, but it quickly turned into a full blown obsession. I've got The Wig, Sydney's most prized possession, and yet, I'm still unhappy. As I was standing there, watching you two fight, I realized what the problem was: I'm missing a wig. (He points to Sydney's head) Give me the wig, Sydney.
BLUE: You heard the man, give it to him.
SYDNEY: Now, hold on there just a darn minute. Blue, you've done some pretty horrific things to me too. This all started because I wanted a simple slice of pizza, but nooo, you and Frency (god rest her soul) just couldn't leave me alone. And so Sark has taken my outfits, many, many times. Fine. He's stolen The Wig. Okay, I suppose I could live with that. You ordered First-Mate Forehead killed in front of mine own eyes. Well, he was pretty, but I won't shed too many tears. But no one, I repeat, no one takes the original red wig. That's like a crime against humanity or something.
BEFORE BLUE CAN RESPOND, LAUREN GOES RUNNING ACROSS THE STAGE.
BLUE: What's going on with her? Can't she see we're having a dramatic climax here?!
LAUREN: Oooh, pretty! Red! Spinny! Shiny!
SYDNEY: Uh oh.
BLUE: Damn it.
SARK: What?
BLUE STARTS TO BACK AWAY AS A BIG RED CLIFFORD BALL APPEARS.
SYDNEY: Didn't you know? That's the only thing that can defeat Blue: Red.
SARK: Don't you mean Clifford?
SYDNEY: No. It's supposed to be a metaphor! Jeeze, you're almost as thick as Vaughn.
LAUREN IS RUNNING TOWARDS THE BIG RED BALL, BUT DOESN'T CALCULATE DISTANCE WELL AND FLATSPLATS RIGHT INTO THE SIDE OF CLIFFORD, LEAVING TWO EYE-HIGH RACOON LIKE MARKS ON THE RUBBER-LIKE MATERIAL. SHE GETS UP, WOOZY, ONLY TO BE THE RECIPIENT OF SEVERAL BULLETS FIRED FROM OFF-STAGE. SHE FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD.
SARK: Where on earth did that come from?
IRINA ENTERS FROM STAGE RIGHT, DRESSED TO THE NINES IN A TUXEDO SHIRT AND BLACK PANTS, A MARTINI IN ONE HAND AND A SMOKING GUN IN THE OTHER. JACK FOLLOWS IN HIS ARMANI SUIT.
JACK: She's tall and she's dark
And like a shark, she looks for trouble
That's why she had a double
Mrs. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
She's sexy and she's smooth
And she can soothe you like vanilla
The gentlewoman's a killer
Mrs. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Russians and Rambaldi
Have filled this stranger's past
Like a knife, she cuts through life
Like every day's the last
She's fast, and she's cool
She's from the school that loves and leaves them
A pity if it grieves 'em
Mrs. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
SARK: Mom?
IRINA: No, my confused little protégé. That would have been sooo wrong. (she clocks him in the back of the head with her pistol) He's all yours, Syd.
SYDNEY (smiling): I know exactly what to do with him. (She drags him offstage and returns, holding his clothes and The Wig Chamber) He'll be so happy when he wakes up... I left him a keychain!
JACK: Well done, Sydney. Now we have only to deal with Blue here.
WILL: HELLOOOO? Have we forgotten I'm STILL BEEPING?!
IRINA: Oh, well, you see, I've seen Mission Impossible III, so I know how to handle this. (She pulls out a crash cart). Come with me.
WILL: Is this going to hurt?
IRINA: Maybe. We'll find out, but truth takes time, so I hope you don't have an appointment to get to.
IRINA AND WILL EXIT, LEAVING JACK, SYDNEY AND BLUE ONSTAGE WITH CLIFFORD.
BLUE: So, I guess this is the end.
JACK HANDS SYDNEY A REMOTE DETONATOR.
JACK: There are two red mercury charges attached to the power source. You know what to do.
SYDNEY: Thanks, daddy.
EXIT JACK
BLUE: Well, it's been fun.
SYDNEY: Yeah, but all good things must come to an end, eventually. Or else they go on for a season too long and suck major ass.
BLUE: No kidding. Okay, goodbye Bozo the Red-Haired Clown. I hope we meet again some day.
SYDNEY: I don't.
SHE PRESSES THE BUTTON AND THE STAGE GOES DARK. END OF SCENE VI.
SCENE VII: JOEY'S PIZZA
SYDNEY AND VAUGHN ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH. VAUGHN'S MUNCHING AWAY AT HIS PIZZA AND SYDNEY IS SLUMPED OVER THE TABLE, SLEEPING.
VAUGHN: Waiter? I have a question. Can I get peanuts on this?
WAITER (who is tall and hot, but in a slightly icky fashion): Let me check. We were held up at gunpoint by some squirrels the other day and I think they wiped us out. But I'll go into the kitchen and see.
VAUGHN: Thanks. (Looks over to see Sydney sleeping) Syd, hey, wake up. (He shakes her and she groans groggily) Your pizza is here and it's getting cold.
SYDNEY (waking up with a start): Vaughn! You're not dead!
VAUGHN: Of course not! I'm sitting here eating pizza with you. Besides, you only live twice, right? Well, actually, I guess I'm on my third or fourth one right now. There was the Clifford-swimming pool incident, my bout with deadly fingernail bleeding disorder, the time you stabbed me, my near-death by the Orgasm Protocol or whatever that thing was the Sark did to me, the car crash and the time that Gordon Dean shot me. (Counts on his fingers) Yeah, I think that's it.
SYDNEY: But you were shot by Sark! A bajillion times! After Blue ordered him to do it! After we sang this really cool musical number while we were knocking ourselves silly!
VAUGHN: Who's Blue? And I wasn't shot, look. (He opens up his shirt) Damn, where did those come from?
SYDNEY: What?
VAUGHN: Bullet scars. (Cue Twilight Zone music)
WAITER (yelling from the kitchen): Isn't that weird?!
SYDNEY AND VAUGHN PROCEED TO EAT THEIR PIZZA TOGETHER AS A SWEDO-RUSSIAN VOICE DRIFTS IN FROM THE KITCHEN.
VOICE: From Russia with love, I fly to you
Much wiser since my first
goodbye to you
I've traveled the world to learn
I must return from Russia with love.
I've seen places,
Faces, smiled for a moment
But oh, you haunted me so
Still my tongue tied, young pride
Would not let my love for you show
In case you'd say no
To Russia I flew, but there and then
I suddenly knew you'd care again
My running around is through
I fly to you from Russia with looooove.
WAITER: Come to Big Papa, my darling. Thaaat's it.... oh yeaaah...
CURTAIN.
If you got this far, I congratulate you! Thanks for reading!