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RANTTIME.
hey, i just want you to know how i feel, i mean if we are being honest and all.

whos pretending? whos thinking? whos trying to believe?
hey, atleast i tried to do something.atleast i think i tried to help. and a  question to you...do you think your any better than i am?  do you really? i mean, by the way your talking, it sure seems that way

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why not do yourself a favour and stop complaining because if you're going to be telling me saying how i'm not dependable and flakey you're just pushing me away consequently you're going to have no friends.
hey thanks, marlon! its good to know i have no friends.
i wasnt going to call you sensitive, by the way. i just thought you took it the wrong way. and it did occur to me. which is why i regretted saying it. and im sorry for that. but dont you ever, ever even dare to say i dont care about your feelings, or anyone else's. and maybe you dont believe me. fine, i dont blame you.
and no, i dont think im any better than you. you want to know how i've felt? ask annie.
and yes, you were dependable but the key word here is were. lately, how has it been? lets think about this. how often have you talked to me in the past....month or 2? have you ever once asked how im feeling. have you ever once asked how my day was going, because you actually wanted to know, not because you felt obliged? i wont say you dont care. im just saying thats what i felt.
and you know, maybe just once. just once i'd like to feel like i matter to you. cause i havent felt like that in a long time. and maybe i dont matter to you(not assuming anything) but you did, and still do matter to me. obviously.
and hey, maybe youtook things that i said the wrong way. and maybe its not about the concert. maybe i was just using the concert as an excuse to keep myself from telling you how much it hurt when i felt like i didnt matter.but hey, we are being honest, right?
half the stuff i say is sarcasm or is said for the sake of saying.
maybe you read more into it than i expected.
friends fornever. well thats reassuring about what youre feeling about this.
ive made my choice.
lets hear yours.
because if i recall marlon, to be friends, it takes two. not one trying to make up for the second.
and when have i ever said i knew what was going on in your head? i just wanted to put what i felt was going on in my lj. doesnt mean im right. doesnt mean im even slightly on the mark.
and if you really wanted to try, maybe you couldve talked to me about this before i started assuming. because you know me. i think. maybe you couldve made an effort, too. maybe i couldve made an effort. maybe it wouldnt have come to you and me making angry, upset posts on lj. and if youve been reading my lj and "knowing" how im feeling, do you think maybe you couldve talked to me about it? i admit, i shouldve not said those things in the first place. but when you feel angry and upset and resentful, what do you do? irrational things. im sorry for that, because i can admit i did something wrong.
but at least when i say sorry, i can say it and mean it. not repeated 18 times and sarcastic.
and when i say dependable, i dont mean you asking me how things were going just to see what was going on with your best friend. and then not talking because of the CSI season finale. im not saying you not wanting to talk because of your show was bad, im saying the idea that you'd only ask how im feeling to make sure your other friend was feeling okay hurt me so bad. do you know how deeply that hurt me? and okay, i understand you wanted to make sure things with him were going okay- id do that too. but you couldve at least wondered how i was doing. once. thats all i ever wanted for this past month or 2, marlon. to feel like i mattered, like maybe for once, that i was more than just a passing thought in your head. because you were so important to me marlon. you still are. but do you know how hard it is to feel like someone you hold so high in your heart doesnt wonder how you're doing at least once? i dont say i know whats going through your head, but youve got to understand that im not attacking you, its just that i need to say things i feel, no matter how melodramatic it is. i just need to express it. i dont mean it, 95% of the time, even. i just need something to keep those laments. because otherwise it messes with my head.
but you have no idea how many times a day i wonder how youre doing, how your math mark is going, and just random stuff about you. but most of all, i wonder if you're thinking at all about me.
and its not like i dont miss the past either.

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kay, you have made your point and i respect that.
but please, just respect the fact that right now i dont
want to talk to you.
someday maybe, not now though.

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i understand.
and i know that probably sounded harsh up there.
but on the internet, everything sounds harsher than its meant because we have time to dwell, to backspace.
i dont want to have this go on forever, but i do realize we both need some time right now. some things were said that we cant get past or take back.
all im asking is...please, at least say hi once in a while. thats all.

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thank you for understanding, as hollow as that may sound; its not.