Girls
Recently, I've contemplated dating again.
I've had my sights set on a very unique and challenging girl named Jillian. When I first began spending time with her, she was not terribly kind, or any of the qualities I look for in a girl. Still, she was brilliant and a party girl. Someone who knew how to get her work done and make the grade as well as ( Read more... )
I've had my sights set on a very unique and challenging girl named Jillian. When I first began spending time with her, she was not terribly kind, or any of the qualities I look for in a girl. Still, she was brilliant and a party girl. Someone who knew how to get her work done and make the grade as well as ( Read more... )
such as this is a reason why even if I were still in SD we couldn't be a thing. It was a fun month, but the entire time you were preoccupied with her. Don't try to cover it up, all the signs were there, from the beginning when we talked on the phone about figuring out how to talk to her. That was less than a week before we hooked up. Then after what, 2-3 weeks of frequenting eachother, you hooked up with her. That's fine because she's obviously more your type and what you were looking for to begin with. I can understand that, I can take it, I don't really care all that much because I often do what Jillian does when i drink, and make out with guys because it's far easier than getting hurt in the end. That's why less girls want a boyfriend in college, and more girls hook up randomly.
Now, i write things in my journal that i think/feel/whatever, i put them on the computer and lock them, or make them friends only. I write about who and what is on my mind...Seems she has been on yours for a while, her and Cambia that is. But honestly, right now I want one thing, and that's to be able to go out with my friends here, and have a great time, picking up guys and trying to move on. I don't mind talking to you on the phone, but in your message you said something about trying to work it out...and i dont know what you meant by that but only that the way i percieved it, my response is that i'm 3000 miles away, and really trying to find my way out here. I've found someone i'm somewhat interested in, and I am trying to move on.
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I can't deny that Jillian was always something that inrigued me.
She was something I thought I could never have, that just kept sending me little signals that I could. I perplexed me, and as such she was always on my mind. Puzzles do that to me.
When you asked me how I know so much about random things, I think the best way to explain it is, if I don't know something, it'll be on my mind relentlessly until I figure it out. Thus, Jillian's complexity and my inability to interpret her cues also recieved a good amount of thought.
So we made out one night.
So we had sex since then.
What I'm only now coming to realize is that despite all her experience and my curiosity... Sex with Jillian is not something I'm really into. She has a lot she could teach me, or at least she talks big... but I have yet to see it. I realized after I did it, that it's not what I thought, and it's not what I was looking for. It seems sometimes, I can get so caught up in something that I fail to realize my own feelings towards it. I felt sex was something to be shared between two people that really love each other. I didn't intend to have sex until I knew the girl I was going to marry. That girl was Cambia. So naturally I still have feelings for that girl! Sex is amazing when it's between two people who trust each other, who love each other, and are really attracted to each other. With Jillian, I was disappointed to say the least. That's not the point though. Sure, Becca, I had a thing for Jillian - before I ever met you. When you and I started becoming close seemed to be the exact moment Jillian started showing interest. It's strange how girls do that... It's never just one that likes you. You have to be ready to be taken off the market before they have any interest. I couldn't just push away this girl who I had had an interest in for a while. I tried, but I couldn't manage it. To complicate things was the fact that you were leaving in 3 weeks. But you still meant a lot to me, Becca. You were everything I ever looked for in a friend and them some. Becca, you did so much for me, and you touched my life so deeply in such a short time... I really loved being with you.
Do you remember that one night you texted me and I came over late?
Jillian was drunk, unbuttoning my shirt and going for my pants when I stopped her and told her I had to go.
She was understandably upset. No one had ever walked away from her in her whole life.
Becca, I went to go see you, and what I missed out on wasn't nearly as special to me as throwing on a movie, talking, and falling asleep with you in my arms.
Your friendship means a lot to me, and I hope we can continue to be close. I hope that by move on, you don't mean throw away all we had. I understand you've found someone new, but I just wish that didn't mean throwing me away.
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