When does it end?
When does the pretending end? Does it ever end or do you have to pretend your whole life? I feel as if it is all games. You can never act like yourself without hurting someone in the end. Why try to make everyone happy when you know that you can't? I am sick and tired of all the bullshit. I don't want to have to act anymore to make people happy. It just isn't worth my time and effort. I sit back and watch myself act to make everyone else happy but in the end... I am just making myself that much worse. I thought for awhile that my life was finally getting back on track and now that I look at it, I was just fooling myself. I don't think that my life can or will ever get back on track. The life that I live is the life that I will always live. It won't get any better... it'll prolly get worse.
When I was taking a shower today I realized that it's like I have no friends in Oswego. Yes, I have a few but the thing of it is, I have no life. I feel as if I have no time for anything anymore. I was thinking yesterday how long it was that I actually did something fun. And to be completely honest with you... I can't even remember. I thought that college life was supposed to be the best years of your life? What happened to mine? I look around and see everyone else around me having fun, yet here I sit on a thursday night doing nothing. And what will I be doing tomorrow night?? The same thing.. nothing. Is it the lack of things I can do with no money or is it just the lack of motivation? Or is it simply the fact that I have gotten into a routine of not doing things that I just got used to it?
I look at everyone being happy... hell look at it... two of my highschool friends are getting married tomorrow and I wasn't really invited.... well not until the other day and I said something about it. But the fact in the matter is, is that they are getting married. I see how happy they are in their relationship, they hardly ever fight and I look at my love life... we fight, we fight about stupid stuff... and yet that stupid stuff means so much to me... I try to make him happy but I feel as if I can't. I am always the one at fault.. when does that end? When does it stop being my fault?? School is my fault, us fighting everything seems to fall back on me.. hell I can't even rearrange without the cats getting into something and that becomes my fault... when does it ever get better? This is one question I have been asking myself for what seems like eternity.. if you have the answer let me know until then, that's what I will be trying to figure out....
When I was taking a shower today I realized that it's like I have no friends in Oswego. Yes, I have a few but the thing of it is, I have no life. I feel as if I have no time for anything anymore. I was thinking yesterday how long it was that I actually did something fun. And to be completely honest with you... I can't even remember. I thought that college life was supposed to be the best years of your life? What happened to mine? I look around and see everyone else around me having fun, yet here I sit on a thursday night doing nothing. And what will I be doing tomorrow night?? The same thing.. nothing. Is it the lack of things I can do with no money or is it just the lack of motivation? Or is it simply the fact that I have gotten into a routine of not doing things that I just got used to it?
I look at everyone being happy... hell look at it... two of my highschool friends are getting married tomorrow and I wasn't really invited.... well not until the other day and I said something about it. But the fact in the matter is, is that they are getting married. I see how happy they are in their relationship, they hardly ever fight and I look at my love life... we fight, we fight about stupid stuff... and yet that stupid stuff means so much to me... I try to make him happy but I feel as if I can't. I am always the one at fault.. when does that end? When does it stop being my fault?? School is my fault, us fighting everything seems to fall back on me.. hell I can't even rearrange without the cats getting into something and that becomes my fault... when does it ever get better? This is one question I have been asking myself for what seems like eternity.. if you have the answer let me know until then, that's what I will be trying to figure out....