(no subject)
Do you think we ever get to a place where we don't think the world is going to throw us a really huge fucking curve ball? I know that I am nowhere near of where I thought I would be when I was 24, and I have this terror of getting stuck, of settling, of when I'm 45 looking back and thinking "oh fuck. I never did the things I wanted to do and now I'm stuck." I mean, I just figured that someday I'd start feeling less like I was just a heartbeat away from failure. And maybe that day is just not today, but I sort of wish my life was a little more stable. I wish that I knew how to live in a world that does such bad things to so many people, without it eating me alive. And it doesn't eat me alive all the time. I am so so so happy with some times, but it feels like such a conscious decision to be . . .conscious. Like I make the decision to spend so much time examining systems and pushing my own ideas and ethics, and it drives me fucking crazy sometimes. But I don't know any other way to be. And I want to figure out how to be that and be sane and not have to spend my days doing something I'm not crazy about so that I can spend my nights trying to save the world.
That sounds childlike -- trying to save the world. When there are times where I sort of feel like, well fuck it. I'm moving to my own island where I decide who is allowed on it and what the rules are. And I know that's not doing what I want to do -- I don't want to divorce myself from the world, because there is so much good in it. But sometimes it feels so overwhelming. Because it's not just work. It's not just, oh MESA's something I do to volunteer. It's something I do to make myself make sense. It's somewhere I can be where I'm nto too radical, too out there, too passionate. No one's (mostly) going to tell me to take it easy, take it down, that I'm getting worked up about things I can't control.
Arg. I wish someone would've told me that you don't graduate from college, get a job, get married have babies and everything is peachy unimagined happy. I guess that's my own innocence speaking, and my own privilege that I could ever think that. But I sort of miss it. I sort of miss thinking that love was forever, that everyone got their happily ever after, that sanity, stability was a guarantee.
That sounds childlike -- trying to save the world. When there are times where I sort of feel like, well fuck it. I'm moving to my own island where I decide who is allowed on it and what the rules are. And I know that's not doing what I want to do -- I don't want to divorce myself from the world, because there is so much good in it. But sometimes it feels so overwhelming. Because it's not just work. It's not just, oh MESA's something I do to volunteer. It's something I do to make myself make sense. It's somewhere I can be where I'm nto too radical, too out there, too passionate. No one's (mostly) going to tell me to take it easy, take it down, that I'm getting worked up about things I can't control.
Arg. I wish someone would've told me that you don't graduate from college, get a job, get married have babies and everything is peachy unimagined happy. I guess that's my own innocence speaking, and my own privilege that I could ever think that. But I sort of miss it. I sort of miss thinking that love was forever, that everyone got their happily ever after, that sanity, stability was a guarantee.