#1184
I'm stepping on toes everywhere. I have a feeling so many assessors in school think I can't be bothered with my work but that really isn't true. I also have a feeling people think I'm rude, arrogant, and a poor clinician, which is probably more true. In any case, it's been 3 years and all I can say (and with so much surety) is that this is really not for me. I feel I'm truly not doing my patients justice by remaining in the profession. However, an escape comes at too high a cost for me and so I suppose the world will have to suffer me and my poor skills + memory for at least another 4 years.
I come home everyday not only feeling dejected about the way the day went, I also feel terrible about how I can't seem to do any better even if I try. On top of that, I think my EQ must be 0 or something. Everybody hates me. I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it. Nothing's ever going to change. I have assessors on my back and I'm on countless blacklists, whether physical or in the minds of these folk. I want to give up but I can't because it isn't even an option.
I'm so horrible at whatever I'm doing. Even when I tell myself that I'm not and that defeatism is half the battle lost. Even when I try to be more enthusiastic about everything. I'm still horrible. I can't remember things said yesterday, I cannot absorb any information. I cannot wake up at 5.45 in the morning and I fall asleep without intending to at 10pm everyday. My body feels exhausted and there are lines on my face. I feel the occasional bout of nausea and when a particularly stimulating event happens I feel an overwhelming impulse to spend some money.
I imagine throwing myself off escalators, or running in front of speeding trucks just outside the Faculty. I know all this is silly and I fully acknowledge that. But you know what, most of the time I think I'll pick silly over harrowing thank you very much.
I'm just lucky there are other things keeping me going.
Oh look at me already. 5 paragraphs and all starting with "I". I'm pretty darned obsessed with myself ain't I. I've really become someone I never wanted to be. Too busy wallowing in self pity to notice how everyone else is doing. What a douche, self.
I need to leave. (Oh look another I.)
I come home everyday not only feeling dejected about the way the day went, I also feel terrible about how I can't seem to do any better even if I try. On top of that, I think my EQ must be 0 or something. Everybody hates me. I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it. Nothing's ever going to change. I have assessors on my back and I'm on countless blacklists, whether physical or in the minds of these folk. I want to give up but I can't because it isn't even an option.
I'm so horrible at whatever I'm doing. Even when I tell myself that I'm not and that defeatism is half the battle lost. Even when I try to be more enthusiastic about everything. I'm still horrible. I can't remember things said yesterday, I cannot absorb any information. I cannot wake up at 5.45 in the morning and I fall asleep without intending to at 10pm everyday. My body feels exhausted and there are lines on my face. I feel the occasional bout of nausea and when a particularly stimulating event happens I feel an overwhelming impulse to spend some money.
I imagine throwing myself off escalators, or running in front of speeding trucks just outside the Faculty. I know all this is silly and I fully acknowledge that. But you know what, most of the time I think I'll pick silly over harrowing thank you very much.
I'm just lucky there are other things keeping me going.
Oh look at me already. 5 paragraphs and all starting with "I". I'm pretty darned obsessed with myself ain't I. I've really become someone I never wanted to be. Too busy wallowing in self pity to notice how everyone else is doing. What a douche, self.
I need to leave. (Oh look another I.)