Wandering mind
It's been almost 8 months since Jason killed himself, and as I lay here in bed before drifting off to sleep, I often wonder what these last months would have been like had he not done so.
He'd have stayed with the dogs at our house while we were in NZ, he'd have gone to my sister's house with us for Christmas. He'd have taken the day off work when we put Chopper down, to come with us & support and love us, then come to the house to love on Tank for a few hours, or ran around with me while I ran errands to keep my mind occupied after....
I would still be on track weight-wise I should think. Chopper would have been a blow to my motivation, but not as bad as it has been while dealing with the other things that came before. I wouldn't be having the anxiety issues I have had the last 8 months, that's for damn sure.
I try and think about what he'd tell me, or what he'd want, but I always come back to the thought, why does it matter? He chose to leave us behind. It's hard not to think like that sometimes. Sometimes resentful, sometimes angry, but always an unfathomable, bottomless-seeming amount of pain and sadness. because he did leave me. He left me & John, he left his mom and his dad...he left his daughter behind so she'll never know the loveable goober he was. But he left.
Today, I cleaned my bedroom from top to bottom. And while it seems silly to be proud of that, I am. Things have just been piling up since that day...clothes not put away, shoes in large piles...just complete disarray.
The rest of the house is only slightly better. But I'm working my way forward.
Finding my way back to that path I was on. The one filled with self-motivation, self appreciation (ok, maybe not a lot if it, but I was getting better!), and progress. Motivation. I want that back again.
And I started it today.
In a way, besides being pleased with myself for something seemingly mundane, I'm also wrestling with myself. If I find that motivation, that self-focus again, what else am I going to miss? What else will happen because I am focusing on me? As irrational as I know it is, those thoughts are still there. After all, I obviously missed the signs that Jason put out, if any. Self examination after tragedy sucks. It leaves you with so many questions and leaves you feeling as though you failed even though you didn't know you were supposed to be focusing over there...thought you were focusing where you should have been...but you were wrong, and failed. Perceived failure.
Tomorrow I'll be working on the bathroom & hallway after I finish up the bedroom. Working my way forward. Think I'm gonna cancel my hair appointment for tomorrow & push to next week. I really want to complete the bedroom 100%. I need to. Amanda will understand, I'm sure. (my amazing colourist)
In the mean time, I discovered just how many pairs of shoes I have...about 150 pairs not counting the flip-flops. I put the 80 or so pairs I wear most frequently on the shoe racks against the wall next to my dresser. The rest are in the closet sans shoe racks. Good thing I keep my purses in my office, or I think John's head would have exploded ;) it's one thing to know I've got a lot of shoes, but to have it so obvious...yeah...*lol* Jason would have laughed his ass off and teased me mercilessly! "Damn Shon, think you got enough shoes baby?" and he and John would have made more than a few jokes at my expense. :)
This is some of them. There's a whole other rack you can't see! *lol*
Well, I guess contemplation time is over. Time for actual sleep. I need to call Jason's mom tomorrow....been a few weeks since I've talked to her....
Posted via LiveJournal.app.