(no subject)
Today was the first time in YEARS that I looked at a picture of Jeff. I was actually looking for something else when I came across it and of course, it just so happened to be my favorite picture of him EVER... And well, I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't immediately go pitter-pat, when I saw it.
It's been 4 years since the last time I saw him, and almost that long since the last time I even spoke to him. Realizing that, it occurred to me that it was a smidge over 9 years ago since he first came into my life. It was 9 years ago since the moment he delicately picked up my locket, and then so politely asked if he could open it to see the picture inside. It was 9 years ago that I told him my story about Cameron, who was only a few weeks old at the time, and officially became the first stranger I ever told about my situation. It was 9 years ago that he smiled softly at me and told me how amazing he thought it was, and thereby became the person that made me feel okay with being open about being a birthmother. It was 9 years ago that I first met the man who would probably inflict more emotional damage on me, than I could have ever imagined, but whom I don't think I will ever be able to bring myself to truly hate.
I will never understand what it is about Jeff that I don't think I'll ever quite be able to shake, and I must admit that even though I have NOT contacted him in this long, it doesn't mean that I don't fight the temptation once in a while. I wonder how he's doing and what he's been doing, and especially after Katrina last year, if he's okay.
Some time ago, a friend of mine asked me if I still loved Jeff and while I WANTED to say, "HELL NO!", I knew the answer was, "I will ALWAYS love Jeff." And I suppose there is nothing wrong with that, because I believe that when you truly love someone, you ALWAYS love them in some little way. It's not an emotion that you can just turn on and off and that just comes and goes.
I guess what hurts the most is that I know in my heart of hearts, that if Jeff could have gotten his head screwed on straight, I could have easily spent the rest of my life with him.
But, I suppose the point is... Jeff could NOT get his head screwed on straight, and my heart was just a casuality in the midst of his own self destructive path.
Like I said... It's been a while since I've thought too deeply on him, and that picture stirred up some things... And I just needed to get it out lest I be tempted to pick up the phone again, when I know that no matter how good it would start, the outcome would be bad.
It's been 4 years since the last time I saw him, and almost that long since the last time I even spoke to him. Realizing that, it occurred to me that it was a smidge over 9 years ago since he first came into my life. It was 9 years ago since the moment he delicately picked up my locket, and then so politely asked if he could open it to see the picture inside. It was 9 years ago that I told him my story about Cameron, who was only a few weeks old at the time, and officially became the first stranger I ever told about my situation. It was 9 years ago that he smiled softly at me and told me how amazing he thought it was, and thereby became the person that made me feel okay with being open about being a birthmother. It was 9 years ago that I first met the man who would probably inflict more emotional damage on me, than I could have ever imagined, but whom I don't think I will ever be able to bring myself to truly hate.
I will never understand what it is about Jeff that I don't think I'll ever quite be able to shake, and I must admit that even though I have NOT contacted him in this long, it doesn't mean that I don't fight the temptation once in a while. I wonder how he's doing and what he's been doing, and especially after Katrina last year, if he's okay.
Some time ago, a friend of mine asked me if I still loved Jeff and while I WANTED to say, "HELL NO!", I knew the answer was, "I will ALWAYS love Jeff." And I suppose there is nothing wrong with that, because I believe that when you truly love someone, you ALWAYS love them in some little way. It's not an emotion that you can just turn on and off and that just comes and goes.
I guess what hurts the most is that I know in my heart of hearts, that if Jeff could have gotten his head screwed on straight, I could have easily spent the rest of my life with him.
But, I suppose the point is... Jeff could NOT get his head screwed on straight, and my heart was just a casuality in the midst of his own self destructive path.
Like I said... It's been a while since I've thought too deeply on him, and that picture stirred up some things... And I just needed to get it out lest I be tempted to pick up the phone again, when I know that no matter how good it would start, the outcome would be bad.