(no subject)
Aunt Linda had to have a blood transfusion last night. She is losing blood from somewhere, but they can't seem to figure out from where. My mom's theory is that the tumor is just so large and so greedy, it's essentially stealing her blood. But, my mom is no medical expert, so I dont even know if that's actually possible.
Either way... Mom sent me an email a little while ago to tell me that Aunt Linda was pretty coherent today, so if I wanted to call, now would be a good time. So at lunch time I went outside and called her room. Her son, Brian, answered and Aunt Linda was talking to Grandma on a contraband cell phone right then. But, when she heard I was on the phone, they wrapped their conversation up so that I could talk to her.
I told her that I heard a rumor she was faking sick, so that she didn't have to get out of bed and so that everyone would wait on her hand and foot. That gave her a chuckle, which was my intent to begin with, so that made me smile.
Then she told me how much she loves me and how she's been telling everyone that "her baby has the most beautiful red hair... That's MY baby!!" and how proud she is of me, and how beautiful she thinks I am... And well, the tears started rolling. I was trying to keep the sniffling down to a minimum because I didn't want her to know that I was crying, but it was so hard... TOO hard.
It was difficult to understand some of what she was saying because she's on so many pain meds at the moment, so her speech is very heavily slurred. But, she said that she's keeping her spirits high, and I said, "It sounds like with all the pain meds you're on, you're just high in general!". To which she of course laughed and said, "Yeah, they got me on the good stuff and it'll keep anyone's spirits high!".
She's laughing and I can hear the smile on her face, even though I know she's doing it through a cloud of pain. She had my Aunt Janice, Uncle Steven and both her sons, Chris and Brian, in the room with her and it warmed my heart to know that she is surrounded by so many people who love her. It breaks my heart knowing that I'm not one of them, but she knows that I'm there in spirit, and as she said to me, "You're right here... In my heart".
I wanted to just chat to her and tell her about work and softball and boys and what is going on in my life, but it felt so wrong and so false and it was so terribly difficult because I felt like I was having my final goodbye... I felt like that it was the last time I was going to get to hear her beautiful sing-song voice, and the way she calls me "my baby". When I hung up the phone, I felt like I had hung up a piece of my heart, a piece of my soul, a piece of who I am.
I'm trying to prepare myself... Prepare myself for "that phone call". Because I know it's eventually going to happen. And it's nerve racking because every time my phone rings, I jump and I get all fluttery and nervous and half of me is expecting it to be my mom on the other end, telling me it's over. But, nothing can prepare anyone for that... So, I sit and I wait... And I cry.
You gave me more to live for... More than you'll ever know... Jeff Buckley - "Last Goodbye"
Either way... Mom sent me an email a little while ago to tell me that Aunt Linda was pretty coherent today, so if I wanted to call, now would be a good time. So at lunch time I went outside and called her room. Her son, Brian, answered and Aunt Linda was talking to Grandma on a contraband cell phone right then. But, when she heard I was on the phone, they wrapped their conversation up so that I could talk to her.
I told her that I heard a rumor she was faking sick, so that she didn't have to get out of bed and so that everyone would wait on her hand and foot. That gave her a chuckle, which was my intent to begin with, so that made me smile.
Then she told me how much she loves me and how she's been telling everyone that "her baby has the most beautiful red hair... That's MY baby!!" and how proud she is of me, and how beautiful she thinks I am... And well, the tears started rolling. I was trying to keep the sniffling down to a minimum because I didn't want her to know that I was crying, but it was so hard... TOO hard.
It was difficult to understand some of what she was saying because she's on so many pain meds at the moment, so her speech is very heavily slurred. But, she said that she's keeping her spirits high, and I said, "It sounds like with all the pain meds you're on, you're just high in general!". To which she of course laughed and said, "Yeah, they got me on the good stuff and it'll keep anyone's spirits high!".
She's laughing and I can hear the smile on her face, even though I know she's doing it through a cloud of pain. She had my Aunt Janice, Uncle Steven and both her sons, Chris and Brian, in the room with her and it warmed my heart to know that she is surrounded by so many people who love her. It breaks my heart knowing that I'm not one of them, but she knows that I'm there in spirit, and as she said to me, "You're right here... In my heart".
I wanted to just chat to her and tell her about work and softball and boys and what is going on in my life, but it felt so wrong and so false and it was so terribly difficult because I felt like I was having my final goodbye... I felt like that it was the last time I was going to get to hear her beautiful sing-song voice, and the way she calls me "my baby". When I hung up the phone, I felt like I had hung up a piece of my heart, a piece of my soul, a piece of who I am.
I'm trying to prepare myself... Prepare myself for "that phone call". Because I know it's eventually going to happen. And it's nerve racking because every time my phone rings, I jump and I get all fluttery and nervous and half of me is expecting it to be my mom on the other end, telling me it's over. But, nothing can prepare anyone for that... So, I sit and I wait... And I cry.
You gave me more to live for... More than you'll ever know... Jeff Buckley - "Last Goodbye"