What even IS a sod farm?
So this morning I found hockey_secrets and even though it hasn't been updated in like six months and half the pictures were taken down, I was able to find this gem along with a lot of discussion of Semin getting gang banged? which I found baffling. So I focused on that picture.
And for the record, this all happened in an email chain that started with me telling Imp "Definitely dreamed about Jeff Skinner last night. EStaal wasn't there, so nothing creepy. I think it was some weird genre thing."
So really no one should be surprised by what is under the cut. Also, I probably chatficced this same premise as Frank/Gerard to half of you back when I was in bandom. (I'm not. At all. By the way, to people who have friended me lately for that.)
ANYWAY. Porny chatfic under the cut.
shoemaster: god. The overalls. THE OVERALLS.
impertinence: EIGHTEEN YEAR OLDS ARE TOO YOUNG FOR SEX, ALLISON. ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE BOTH THAT YOUNG. IT'S GROSS AND ALSO BASICALLY ILLEGAL, AND FOR GOOD REASON!!!! (Ed: uhh, long story)
but seriously, the OVERALLS. god, staals.
shoemaster: SO PRACTICALLY ILLEGAL THAT IT'S NOT AT ALL!!!
God, I would do so many practically illegal things to Eric Staal in that picture. Shame he's not in overalls. It'd be so easy access
impertinence: LOLLLLLLL.
it's a pity he had wretched hair and his head was kind of weird in relation to his body right when he was drafted. He got hot during the lockout, though.
eventually one of us is going to write time traveling or de-aging and then we will be ashamed.
shoemaster: Fuck you, Jeff time traveling and being older than Eric would be great. Fuck you for putting that thought in my head
impertinence: :D you're welcome.
He wouldn't be that much older, unless we had him time travel back to when Eric was like 16.
shoemaster: Even being about the same age, but say, with Jeff having completed his rookie season and only starting his would be so weird for Jeff.
impertinence: Especially since baby Eric's both kind of a tool and pretty quiet, and Jeff doesn't know how to deal with that.
shoemaster: Still really hot. Even if he looks really young to Jeff.
But yeah, he keeps smiling at Eric and making dumb jokes to try and loosen him up, get him to how Jeff's used to him.
impertinence: Eric slowly stops clamming up with him, which means he ends up dragging Jeff off to a party and getting drunk and hanging all over Jeff. Which shouldn't be hot, but is, in a weird way. Jeff is dubious about his entire life.
shoemaster: Eric's a sloppy drunk which is a surprise to Jeff, and makes him feel all protective, even though this Eric is still six inches taller than him. And can easily back Jeff into a corner and bend down to kiss him, sloppy and eager with hands wandering everywhere.
impertinence: Jeff tells himself he shouldn't, but it's not like his Eric will ever do this with him, and this Eric is so fucking into it. They end up making out for what feels like forever, and Eric touches him everywhere, clumsy and eager.
shoemaster: It shouldn't be that hot but it totally is and they really need to get a room before Eric starts jerking Jeff off right here.
And maybe with a change of location he can also ask Eric to blow him, because he's spent the last year jerking off to that thought.
"I've never done this with a guy before," Eric admits after Jeff's locked the door behind him. And that makes Jeff feel old and weird, because it's so hot, but not as hot as Eric pushing him down onto the couch and dropping to his knees.
impertinence: "We don't have to do this right away," Jeff says. it's all the protest he's going to offer, because he's pretty drunk, too, and Eric's licking his lips like he doesn't want to do anything else.
"No, this is good," Eric says. "This is really good. Get your pants off, come on. I've thought about it," he adds as Jeff fumbles with his fly. "Blowing a guy. But you're the first person I thought, okay, I can totally do this with you."
Jeff grits his teeth and tries not to do anything really embarrassing like getting so on the edge that he comes before Eric's even touched him.
When he's finally got his pants down, Eric licks his lips and wraps his hand around Jeff's dick. "What do I do?"
Oh, fuck. Jeff's probably going to die here.
shoemaster: "Lick your hand," Jeff says, hoping he doesn't sound too breathless. He has to close his eyes while Eric actually does it though. "Now use your hand- yeah, like that," Jeff says. Jesus, Eric's looking up at him waiting for his next instruction and with that look in this light he looks so much like...well, himself. "And just, take what you can with your mouth and watch your teeth."
Eric's a fast learner, yeah, he's a little sloppy but he's just so into it and Jeff is too. "Yeah, like that, oh fuck, Eric-"
Eric gets really ambitious, which really shouldn't be a surprise, and tries to take as much of Jeff's cock is possible. He doesn't seem to mind when he starts gagging a little, he's just that focused.
impertinence: Jeff has to fight not to move, and not to pretend this is his Eric. But it's kind of easy because Eric keeps moving around and glancing up at Jeff, and when he looks determined he looks exactly like Jeff's Eric, but the restlessness isn't him at all.
When he slides a hand down to Jeff's balls and sort of hums a question, Jeff almost swallows his own tongue. "Yeah, fuck yeah. Eric..."
Eric looks like he'd be smiling if he could. He works his throat and plays with Jeff's balls, and it's too fucking good. Jeff tugs his hair. "Move off, I'm about to come, you don't want that in your mouth."
Eric bobs his head in response. Oh, God, Jeff thinks, and then he's coming.
He doesn't get long to recover. "Now you do me," Eric says. "I don't care how, just - please." His eyes are big and he's moving to pin Jeff down on the couch, which shouldn't be hot but somehow really is.
shoemaster: Jeff manages to get Eric's pants open despite how close they are and gets a hand around his dick, but he doesn't even jerk him off, really. Eric's basically humping his hand and Jeff kisses Eric's neck because his mouth is too far away.
Jeff doesn't mind, Eric's mouth being free has it's advantages.
"Fuck, yeah, oh Jeff, Jesus."
impertinence: Eric being a talker is amazing. More amazing is the way he just keeps babbling until he finally comes, slumping forward onto Jeff and keeping him from moving at all.
"Um," Jeff says finally, because they're sort of gross and there's still a party going on.
"Right," Eric says. He sounds a little embarrassed. "I should get up."
"And drink some water," Jeff says.
Eric actually giggles. What the fuck.
shoemaster: They clean up and head back out to the party, and Eric doesn't stop leaning on Jeff, taking up every inch of space next to him. It's nice. Which is bad. Because Jeff doesn't belong here.
After he and Eric sneak back into the Staals house - that's been weird, seeing all of them as teenagers with terrible hair - Eric drags him to bed and they end up rubbing off against each other as quietly as possible. Which isn't that quiet, but thankfully Eric's got the attic room.
"I'm not going to see you much when the season starts, huh?" Eric asks as he stays draped across Jeff.
"Probably not," Jeff says. Because he can't stay in 2002 forever. "But maybe someday we'll be on the same team."
impertinence: "Yeah, maybe," Eric says, and falls asleep on top of Jeff.
When Jeff wakes up, he's back in his own bed in 2011. And he's alone.
THEN THINGS ARE WEIRD WITH ERIC AND ERIC SUDDENLY HAS NEW MEMORIES OF BONING JEFF AND EVERYTHING IS AMAZING AND AWKWARD FOREVER.
shoemaster: ERIC'S ALWAYS HAD THE MEMORIES, HE WAS REALLY WEIRD WHEN HE SAW HIS ROOKIE SUMMER FLING GET DRAFTED EIGHT YEARS LATER. AND JEFF ONLY KNEW ERIC FROM TV AND HIS HAIR WAS WRONG AND IT WAS ALL CONFUSING.
AND THEN JEFF WAS SUPER GREAT AND ERIC KEPT WANTING TO BE LIKE "SO DO YOU HAVE A COUSIN MY AGE WITH YOUR NAME?" OR "DO BELIEVE IN TIME TRAVEL OR MAGIC OR WHATEVER THE FUCK??"
BUT JEFF WOULD'VE HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT AND HE CAN'T EVEN TELL CAM BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO CRAZY. so he pinessss. He pines like he did after he woke up in bed alone and Jeff never came by to hang out ever again :((
(And then Jeff shows up at his house one morning after the season ends and looks kind of crazy eyed and confused and Eric's like. "Oh. Right then.")
impertinence: AND THEN THEY BONE FOREVER THE END
shoemaster: Yes! After a weird conversation where Jeff's like "uhhh so you never mentioned you were into dudes."
And Eric's all "so why DID you sleep with me?" and it's great.
impertinence: it's a little weird at first because Eric built up Jeff SO MUCH in his head in the years between Jeff disappearing and him showing up again, and Jeff is just really hopelessly hung up on Eric. But they work it out. And Eric's gotten way better at sex in the interim.
shoemaster: He's pretty stoked to show Jeff how much better. "I didn't really have any complaints the first time," Jeff says after Eric's basically fucked him through the mattress.
impertinence: "We were drunk," Eric points out. Jeff's just like, whatever, and snuggles closer. He doesn't really know how to deal with the fact that that single night kind of fucked Eric up. Like, it's not his fault, but he does feel kind of bad for feeling vaguely pleased that he had that much of an impact.
THE END
And for the record, this all happened in an email chain that started with me telling Imp "Definitely dreamed about Jeff Skinner last night. EStaal wasn't there, so nothing creepy. I think it was some weird genre thing."
So really no one should be surprised by what is under the cut. Also, I probably chatficced this same premise as Frank/Gerard to half of you back when I was in bandom. (I'm not. At all. By the way, to people who have friended me lately for that.)
ANYWAY. Porny chatfic under the cut.
shoemaster: god. The overalls. THE OVERALLS.
impertinence: EIGHTEEN YEAR OLDS ARE TOO YOUNG FOR SEX, ALLISON. ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE BOTH THAT YOUNG. IT'S GROSS AND ALSO BASICALLY ILLEGAL, AND FOR GOOD REASON!!!! (Ed: uhh, long story)
but seriously, the OVERALLS. god, staals.
shoemaster: SO PRACTICALLY ILLEGAL THAT IT'S NOT AT ALL!!!
God, I would do so many practically illegal things to Eric Staal in that picture. Shame he's not in overalls. It'd be so easy access
impertinence: LOLLLLLLL.
it's a pity he had wretched hair and his head was kind of weird in relation to his body right when he was drafted. He got hot during the lockout, though.
eventually one of us is going to write time traveling or de-aging and then we will be ashamed.
shoemaster: Fuck you, Jeff time traveling and being older than Eric would be great. Fuck you for putting that thought in my head
impertinence: :D you're welcome.
He wouldn't be that much older, unless we had him time travel back to when Eric was like 16.
shoemaster: Even being about the same age, but say, with Jeff having completed his rookie season and only starting his would be so weird for Jeff.
impertinence: Especially since baby Eric's both kind of a tool and pretty quiet, and Jeff doesn't know how to deal with that.
shoemaster: Still really hot. Even if he looks really young to Jeff.
But yeah, he keeps smiling at Eric and making dumb jokes to try and loosen him up, get him to how Jeff's used to him.
impertinence: Eric slowly stops clamming up with him, which means he ends up dragging Jeff off to a party and getting drunk and hanging all over Jeff. Which shouldn't be hot, but is, in a weird way. Jeff is dubious about his entire life.
shoemaster: Eric's a sloppy drunk which is a surprise to Jeff, and makes him feel all protective, even though this Eric is still six inches taller than him. And can easily back Jeff into a corner and bend down to kiss him, sloppy and eager with hands wandering everywhere.
impertinence: Jeff tells himself he shouldn't, but it's not like his Eric will ever do this with him, and this Eric is so fucking into it. They end up making out for what feels like forever, and Eric touches him everywhere, clumsy and eager.
shoemaster: It shouldn't be that hot but it totally is and they really need to get a room before Eric starts jerking Jeff off right here.
And maybe with a change of location he can also ask Eric to blow him, because he's spent the last year jerking off to that thought.
"I've never done this with a guy before," Eric admits after Jeff's locked the door behind him. And that makes Jeff feel old and weird, because it's so hot, but not as hot as Eric pushing him down onto the couch and dropping to his knees.
impertinence: "We don't have to do this right away," Jeff says. it's all the protest he's going to offer, because he's pretty drunk, too, and Eric's licking his lips like he doesn't want to do anything else.
"No, this is good," Eric says. "This is really good. Get your pants off, come on. I've thought about it," he adds as Jeff fumbles with his fly. "Blowing a guy. But you're the first person I thought, okay, I can totally do this with you."
Jeff grits his teeth and tries not to do anything really embarrassing like getting so on the edge that he comes before Eric's even touched him.
When he's finally got his pants down, Eric licks his lips and wraps his hand around Jeff's dick. "What do I do?"
Oh, fuck. Jeff's probably going to die here.
shoemaster: "Lick your hand," Jeff says, hoping he doesn't sound too breathless. He has to close his eyes while Eric actually does it though. "Now use your hand- yeah, like that," Jeff says. Jesus, Eric's looking up at him waiting for his next instruction and with that look in this light he looks so much like...well, himself. "And just, take what you can with your mouth and watch your teeth."
Eric's a fast learner, yeah, he's a little sloppy but he's just so into it and Jeff is too. "Yeah, like that, oh fuck, Eric-"
Eric gets really ambitious, which really shouldn't be a surprise, and tries to take as much of Jeff's cock is possible. He doesn't seem to mind when he starts gagging a little, he's just that focused.
impertinence: Jeff has to fight not to move, and not to pretend this is his Eric. But it's kind of easy because Eric keeps moving around and glancing up at Jeff, and when he looks determined he looks exactly like Jeff's Eric, but the restlessness isn't him at all.
When he slides a hand down to Jeff's balls and sort of hums a question, Jeff almost swallows his own tongue. "Yeah, fuck yeah. Eric..."
Eric looks like he'd be smiling if he could. He works his throat and plays with Jeff's balls, and it's too fucking good. Jeff tugs his hair. "Move off, I'm about to come, you don't want that in your mouth."
Eric bobs his head in response. Oh, God, Jeff thinks, and then he's coming.
He doesn't get long to recover. "Now you do me," Eric says. "I don't care how, just - please." His eyes are big and he's moving to pin Jeff down on the couch, which shouldn't be hot but somehow really is.
shoemaster: Jeff manages to get Eric's pants open despite how close they are and gets a hand around his dick, but he doesn't even jerk him off, really. Eric's basically humping his hand and Jeff kisses Eric's neck because his mouth is too far away.
Jeff doesn't mind, Eric's mouth being free has it's advantages.
"Fuck, yeah, oh Jeff, Jesus."
impertinence: Eric being a talker is amazing. More amazing is the way he just keeps babbling until he finally comes, slumping forward onto Jeff and keeping him from moving at all.
"Um," Jeff says finally, because they're sort of gross and there's still a party going on.
"Right," Eric says. He sounds a little embarrassed. "I should get up."
"And drink some water," Jeff says.
Eric actually giggles. What the fuck.
shoemaster: They clean up and head back out to the party, and Eric doesn't stop leaning on Jeff, taking up every inch of space next to him. It's nice. Which is bad. Because Jeff doesn't belong here.
After he and Eric sneak back into the Staals house - that's been weird, seeing all of them as teenagers with terrible hair - Eric drags him to bed and they end up rubbing off against each other as quietly as possible. Which isn't that quiet, but thankfully Eric's got the attic room.
"I'm not going to see you much when the season starts, huh?" Eric asks as he stays draped across Jeff.
"Probably not," Jeff says. Because he can't stay in 2002 forever. "But maybe someday we'll be on the same team."
impertinence: "Yeah, maybe," Eric says, and falls asleep on top of Jeff.
When Jeff wakes up, he's back in his own bed in 2011. And he's alone.
THEN THINGS ARE WEIRD WITH ERIC AND ERIC SUDDENLY HAS NEW MEMORIES OF BONING JEFF AND EVERYTHING IS AMAZING AND AWKWARD FOREVER.
shoemaster: ERIC'S ALWAYS HAD THE MEMORIES, HE WAS REALLY WEIRD WHEN HE SAW HIS ROOKIE SUMMER FLING GET DRAFTED EIGHT YEARS LATER. AND JEFF ONLY KNEW ERIC FROM TV AND HIS HAIR WAS WRONG AND IT WAS ALL CONFUSING.
AND THEN JEFF WAS SUPER GREAT AND ERIC KEPT WANTING TO BE LIKE "SO DO YOU HAVE A COUSIN MY AGE WITH YOUR NAME?" OR "DO BELIEVE IN TIME TRAVEL OR MAGIC OR WHATEVER THE FUCK??"
BUT JEFF WOULD'VE HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT AND HE CAN'T EVEN TELL CAM BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO CRAZY. so he pinessss. He pines like he did after he woke up in bed alone and Jeff never came by to hang out ever again :((
(And then Jeff shows up at his house one morning after the season ends and looks kind of crazy eyed and confused and Eric's like. "Oh. Right then.")
impertinence: AND THEN THEY BONE FOREVER THE END
shoemaster: Yes! After a weird conversation where Jeff's like "uhhh so you never mentioned you were into dudes."
And Eric's all "so why DID you sleep with me?" and it's great.
impertinence: it's a little weird at first because Eric built up Jeff SO MUCH in his head in the years between Jeff disappearing and him showing up again, and Jeff is just really hopelessly hung up on Eric. But they work it out. And Eric's gotten way better at sex in the interim.
shoemaster: He's pretty stoked to show Jeff how much better. "I didn't really have any complaints the first time," Jeff says after Eric's basically fucked him through the mattress.
impertinence: "We were drunk," Eric points out. Jeff's just like, whatever, and snuggles closer. He doesn't really know how to deal with the fact that that single night kind of fucked Eric up. Like, it's not his fault, but he does feel kind of bad for feeling vaguely pleased that he had that much of an impact.
THE END