(no subject)
I do not know whether it was evident to the people who know me, but I was very depressed for the past couple of years. I think it's hard for people who don't live with me* to tell whether I'm happy or sad. Either way I don't talk or emote much. When I'm sad my eyes are slightly wetter.
It was different than other depressions I have experienced, partly because it was harder to justify (nothing tragic happened to me. I had a baby. Whom I love. That's a good thing, right?) and partly because I had to find different methods of coping than I had previously (most of my coping methods in the past have been mildly to severely self destructive: this is not okay when you have a small person depending on you). It wouldn't go away. I almost believed that this was just what happened when you grew up: your heart died and you were left with a sort of dull ache in your chest and that was just how it was forever.
I have been steadily getting over it for a few months now.
Lately the air I breathe feels like real air and the food I eat tastes like real food. It is heaven.
Tonight I saw Micachu.
I'm not sure if she was objectively superior to all other performers or if this is just the first time in so long I've been whole enough to be in love with music as it is presented to me but I'm certain it was the best show I've seen in my life. No one will ever, ever be as cool as Mica Levi.
Some other things are:
1. I have moved. Tonight I drove halfway to Booragoon before I remembered that wasn't the way home anymore.
2. Tonight also, Hero followed me into a dark room and got a little scared of the dark. His only way to express what was scaring him was to say "Mum! Eyes! Eyes!" and rub his hands over his face in a panic. Also, he has taken to putting his toys in Callum's display cases.
*But pretty obvious to Callum, poor soul.
It was different than other depressions I have experienced, partly because it was harder to justify (nothing tragic happened to me. I had a baby. Whom I love. That's a good thing, right?) and partly because I had to find different methods of coping than I had previously (most of my coping methods in the past have been mildly to severely self destructive: this is not okay when you have a small person depending on you). It wouldn't go away. I almost believed that this was just what happened when you grew up: your heart died and you were left with a sort of dull ache in your chest and that was just how it was forever.
I have been steadily getting over it for a few months now.
Lately the air I breathe feels like real air and the food I eat tastes like real food. It is heaven.
Tonight I saw Micachu.
I'm not sure if she was objectively superior to all other performers or if this is just the first time in so long I've been whole enough to be in love with music as it is presented to me but I'm certain it was the best show I've seen in my life. No one will ever, ever be as cool as Mica Levi.
Click to viewSome other things are:
1. I have moved. Tonight I drove halfway to Booragoon before I remembered that wasn't the way home anymore.
2. Tonight also, Hero followed me into a dark room and got a little scared of the dark. His only way to express what was scaring him was to say "Mum! Eyes! Eyes!" and rub his hands over his face in a panic. Also, he has taken to putting his toys in Callum's display cases.
*But pretty obvious to Callum, poor soul.