its a callbox situation
I sit hear listening to Josh Groban, as I always do when I feel like this. At one point to we stop living for everyone else, and start living for ourselves? I have these episodes, like tidal waves crashing down, pulling me under; drowning me. I look around at the faces of so many. The faces of people I have forgotten, or people who are just buried away in my past, in my effort of forgetting the happenings that made them need to be forgotten. I look into the pictures all around me, and see stories; each and every person’s story. I slowly start to see all the memories I have had with each and every person. I see how many people I have lost through time, distance, or god’s calling to a greater place. I wonder what all of our plans will be. I see each of us as an outline, a sketch, filling in more and more every day; shaping us into the people we will be when we enter the adult world. I get into moods like this where I see the world as simply a canvas with endless possibilities. Its times like these I find myself wondering if I’m truly happy, or simply putting on a charade so no one will have to know that I’m as human as everyone else. As far as you’re concerned, I don’t have weaknesses, or fears. Many people see me as this rock for them to depend on, and to always be there. But what about the situations when I have my own feelings overwhelming me so much, it puts me into the Emergency Room for an anxiety attack. Was that the wake up call I needed to tell me to pay attention to my feelings a little more? Was that my warning sign before something worse happens? All I want is to be the best I can for everyone. I don’t want to have to worry about my own life. I’ve never lived to. In a way I hide behind helping everyone else, so I won’t have to admit that I need help myself. I hide behind everyone else’s problems so I can’t get hurt anymore. I talk about people needing to take a chance, when really, though I lead that fight verbally, I hide just like everyone else. What has happened to us all? All our hopes, dreams… have we lost sight of them? Are we just wandering without knowing if there is a way out? I wonder, when I get like this, if I could be happier in different situations; what it would be like to be rich, what it would be like with different friends, a different boyfriend, simply indulging the curiosity that enters my mind sometimes. I look in the mirror and I see a different girl. I look into the mirror, and I see a girl wasting away, lost her place in life. Maybe through all of it, I’m simply looking for the place I belong. Where do I belong?