sarcasm. dishonesty. and whatever the hell you do- do not trust me.

[shminki138]

bitter? you could say that. im fucking tired of arguing with the people around me. hawaii is nice. especially the huge gigantic thunder storms that scare the shit out of me. the character "him" on powerpuff girls scares the shit out of me, also. a lot of things are bothering me right now. i fucking hate when i over analyze EVERYTHING. i hate how my spelling has gotten worse? wtf is that? but yeah.... i love how everything is way too dramatic. or its kept a secret. i really dont like how my dad gives me that look like he couldnt care less if he was scaring me.. he gets so mad. i dont know what to do when he flips like this. its hard not to forget what my dad has done and what we've all done in the past....especially around alcohol. having him be celebrating 6 months of being sober is a big deal- to who? i dunno...im glad hes not drunk everyday anymore and im glad hes- happier? yeah. whatever the fuck he is. he isnt fucking happy. what the fuck is he? im pissed. my grandmother made my sister and i sit down to day...."i need both of your guys' full attention." she insisted on lecturing us for a half hour "without interruption" about really..well...nothing. it was clear what she was getting at, however....i asked her to quit the bullshit. "so, what youre saying is...is that my sister and i better get happy and perk up around my dad, or he might drink? you think that our behavior is putting his SOBRIETY in danger?" she pretty much agreed but disagreed and manipulated everything some more... but we understand... "how can we help EACHOTHER?"...how about you stop rambling on about nothing. its not my fucking fault my dad is an alcoholic.... im over that. she blamed me for that before. im smarter than that. i understand this is bullshit. they act like my sister and i have nothing going on with our lives- but we beg to differ. you know? shit happens in everyones life. im not focusing on my dads, or my sisters. im focusing on mine. woe as me. but fuck everyone else for second. im not putting my dads "sobriety" at risk or anything- he can do that on his own. im tired of the fucking accusations...leave me be. leave me to my fucking loft and my lonliness... quit getting me involved in all of your bullshit. leave my sister out of it too, perhaps.......ive been lied to a thousand times. i understand that. but its starting to sink in. im starting to get INSANELY PISSED OFF HERE...but ive lied too... i feel bad. i feel bad for betraying my sister... but whatever. thats the past. i cant change it. and i dont expect her to forgive me. now JW on the other hand. he can never forgive me. and i can never forgive myself. im taking the blame, and im trying to change things. but im also realizing a lot more. im realizing that something is terribly WRONG here..... maybe this all happened for a reason... maybe my dad is right... maybe there is some set plan... maybe there is some higher power out there... but whoever and whatever the fuck he/she/it is.....please, for the sake of my familys wellness, keep my fathers sobriety in tact. ....oh, and also..if you arent busy........id like my old life back, fuckface....thanx. heidi.















happy birthday mom.