Lamenting
I've been feeling pretty freakin' blah lately. It's a bunch of things, really. Perpetual singleness. Perpetual laziness. Perpetual weight gaining... ness. Blah. It's been going on for a while, and some people have noticed it, but I try not to make a big deal of it. My life just feels blah right now.
I intentionally stopped writing about my dating life, because I was starting to annoy myself; however, after my last entry, I gave Karl not one, but two more chances. Talk about a mistake. Have I lowered my standards? Do I have too much faith in people? Am I desperate? I don't know. Maybe it's just a string of bad luck. My first major relationship lasted until the end of university, and after that I was 21 without having really experienced dating. I think I just sort of jumped into it a bit too eager, or something.
My weight has sky-rocketed to a number I've not used to. I hate complaining about weight, because I think everyone wants to lose or gain weight. But, wow. I've gained 50 pounds in two years. Fuck. I look at myself and I'm disgusted - and I've never felt that way before, even through awkward adolescence years. Well, maybe then - but definitely not since, and I don't even think I worried as much then as I do now. Now, when I go out, I'm conscious of my body parts all rubbing against each other. I look down more often. When a camera points at me, I groan on the inside. My smiles don't seem as sincere (to me - yet, coworkers always tell me how happy I am all the time). I feel like the "fat friend" - and I very seldom use that word.
Right now, I'm lying in bed. It's 7 o'clock on a gorgeous day. I missed my bus for Dragon Boat practice, so I walked around downtown a little bit, but now I'm doing nothing. My place is messy. My gym card is going unused. There are books to be read. I could call my nan, as it is her birthday today. I could prepare some food for lunches. But, I'm just sitting here, because I feel so blah about myself. Plus, my body's been aching more than usual. Depression hasn't hit me like this in a long time - years. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to get motivated the past few months.
I had an interview with Cowan Graphics today. I am excited about the opportunity, but the whole interview lasted under ten minutes, and I'm not sure how I felt about it. I didn't get a chance to ask about wage or benefits, and they didn't really ask me a whole lot. They said they'd get back to me by the end of the week. *fingers crossed* I have a job with Stantec lined up, starting tomorrow, but I really do want to start pursuing graphic design. I think my main reasons for not looking sooner were 1) feeling inadequate, partly due to not actually finishing my degree, 2) complacent-ness with my last two jobs, and 3) money. I'm determined to try now, and I don't mind making a few sacrifices if I have to. Stantec has quite a few pros, but they're all "conveniences" rather than benefits to my career. I want to at least know I tried something in design, to take a step out of my comfort zone into something I think I could be good at and enjoy.
I spent last week in Kelowna and other parts of B.C. with my dad. It was a really great trip - I think I'll post pictures tonight on FB. We went to the Mission Hill winery, visited with his cousin (whom he hadn't seen for 35 years), drove around various small towns, and canoed in Jasper before coming back to Edmonton. I really enjoyed it. My dad and I definitely have a lot in common. He said he'd like to travel with me again sometime. I told him sure - maybe go to the States or something. Jenn and I are planning a trip to Europe in Fall '09, which I'm quite pumped for. :)
Anyhoo, that's about it. I hope everyone's enjoying the nice weather. I hope to have something positive for you next time I update.
I intentionally stopped writing about my dating life, because I was starting to annoy myself; however, after my last entry, I gave Karl not one, but two more chances. Talk about a mistake. Have I lowered my standards? Do I have too much faith in people? Am I desperate? I don't know. Maybe it's just a string of bad luck. My first major relationship lasted until the end of university, and after that I was 21 without having really experienced dating. I think I just sort of jumped into it a bit too eager, or something.
My weight has sky-rocketed to a number I've not used to. I hate complaining about weight, because I think everyone wants to lose or gain weight. But, wow. I've gained 50 pounds in two years. Fuck. I look at myself and I'm disgusted - and I've never felt that way before, even through awkward adolescence years. Well, maybe then - but definitely not since, and I don't even think I worried as much then as I do now. Now, when I go out, I'm conscious of my body parts all rubbing against each other. I look down more often. When a camera points at me, I groan on the inside. My smiles don't seem as sincere (to me - yet, coworkers always tell me how happy I am all the time). I feel like the "fat friend" - and I very seldom use that word.
Right now, I'm lying in bed. It's 7 o'clock on a gorgeous day. I missed my bus for Dragon Boat practice, so I walked around downtown a little bit, but now I'm doing nothing. My place is messy. My gym card is going unused. There are books to be read. I could call my nan, as it is her birthday today. I could prepare some food for lunches. But, I'm just sitting here, because I feel so blah about myself. Plus, my body's been aching more than usual. Depression hasn't hit me like this in a long time - years. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to get motivated the past few months.
I had an interview with Cowan Graphics today. I am excited about the opportunity, but the whole interview lasted under ten minutes, and I'm not sure how I felt about it. I didn't get a chance to ask about wage or benefits, and they didn't really ask me a whole lot. They said they'd get back to me by the end of the week. *fingers crossed* I have a job with Stantec lined up, starting tomorrow, but I really do want to start pursuing graphic design. I think my main reasons for not looking sooner were 1) feeling inadequate, partly due to not actually finishing my degree, 2) complacent-ness with my last two jobs, and 3) money. I'm determined to try now, and I don't mind making a few sacrifices if I have to. Stantec has quite a few pros, but they're all "conveniences" rather than benefits to my career. I want to at least know I tried something in design, to take a step out of my comfort zone into something I think I could be good at and enjoy.
I spent last week in Kelowna and other parts of B.C. with my dad. It was a really great trip - I think I'll post pictures tonight on FB. We went to the Mission Hill winery, visited with his cousin (whom he hadn't seen for 35 years), drove around various small towns, and canoed in Jasper before coming back to Edmonton. I really enjoyed it. My dad and I definitely have a lot in common. He said he'd like to travel with me again sometime. I told him sure - maybe go to the States or something. Jenn and I are planning a trip to Europe in Fall '09, which I'm quite pumped for. :)
Anyhoo, that's about it. I hope everyone's enjoying the nice weather. I hope to have something positive for you next time I update.