Non-Debilitating Sadness
i've been in a funk lately. it's been as bad as i've had in a long time, to the point i'm actually feeling ill. i'm fairly certain i know why. it's not so much one person, but a lack of any one person. when that sense hits that there's nothing else, it makes my mind cling to an individual and i know it's wrong. it's involuntary anymore. i tell myself what i know, that what i feel is silly and immature. i'm literally sick of it.
it doesn't help that i'm stagnant on my "career" when i need to be at least moving some direction. it's killing my confidence and probably me altogether.
but...
i've had countless incidents of support lately, plenty not even provoked. people just have been complimenting me like crazy, whether it be for my dancing, work ethic, or just a belief that i'll someday move on from larosa's. it's incredible really.
it's funny that a lot of people quickly dismiss me as a pessimist, but even through this recent cloud of pitifulness i've been noticing beautiful days and cheery comments. it does help, but i shouldn't need it.
so out of frustration, loneliness, and self directed anger i'm trying to force myself the other way. i need to get the things done i've been sitting on forever, get rid of the baggage and any possible negativity. that way i won't have any excuses. because i've been noticing a slide, a devolution to my late teens and early twenties. that's the last person i want to be and the last i'll ever accept.
it'll come as no surprise if i'm on the west coast or in a neighboring country come next summer. i've heard too many opinions that people generally are the same all over around here, but i don't buy it. i'm sick of this manic weather and i'm terribly sick of meeting crazy fucking people. i swear... almost everyone i get attached to has serious issues... substance abuse, mental instability, you name it. it constantly makes me feel pretty damn with it.
i can't wait to talk to these guys.
it doesn't help that i'm stagnant on my "career" when i need to be at least moving some direction. it's killing my confidence and probably me altogether.
but...
i've had countless incidents of support lately, plenty not even provoked. people just have been complimenting me like crazy, whether it be for my dancing, work ethic, or just a belief that i'll someday move on from larosa's. it's incredible really.
it's funny that a lot of people quickly dismiss me as a pessimist, but even through this recent cloud of pitifulness i've been noticing beautiful days and cheery comments. it does help, but i shouldn't need it.
so out of frustration, loneliness, and self directed anger i'm trying to force myself the other way. i need to get the things done i've been sitting on forever, get rid of the baggage and any possible negativity. that way i won't have any excuses. because i've been noticing a slide, a devolution to my late teens and early twenties. that's the last person i want to be and the last i'll ever accept.
it'll come as no surprise if i'm on the west coast or in a neighboring country come next summer. i've heard too many opinions that people generally are the same all over around here, but i don't buy it. i'm sick of this manic weather and i'm terribly sick of meeting crazy fucking people. i swear... almost everyone i get attached to has serious issues... substance abuse, mental instability, you name it. it constantly makes me feel pretty damn with it.
i can't wait to talk to these guys.