I will follow (Acting) Captain Hikaru Sulu of the USS Motherfucking Badass in a heartbeat.
Because Tumblr should not get all of my blog-y posts...
Of all the questions that came to mind as I was leaving the theater, this one stood out the most:
why in all of space and time did these bloody fuckers decide to shoehorn THAT character into a plot that would've done just fine without it!?
Uh, spoiler alert?
I like this movie. I enjoyed watching this movie. But I could not for the life of me take seriously the idea that Bendydicks Crumblepockets, the whitest white man to ever white, can play a character named Khan Noonian Singh. All the suspensions of disbelief I can afford for everything else in the movie went out the door once he disclosed his real fucking name.
Dear movie, you don't have to call back to Wrath of Khan to be a good movie. You don't have to use that to draw in the Trekkies. YOU ARE REBOOT. YOU CAN TAKE THE FIXED POINT THAT IS THE EUGENICS WAR AND THE CREATION OF KHAN AND HIS PEOPLE AND SPIN OUT INTO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. YOU HAD THAT GOING WITH ADMIRAL MARCUS AND HIS DESIRE FOR WAR AND THE TALKS ABOUT VULCAN AND THE NARADA INCIDENT AND THE SLOW MILITARIZING OF STARFLEET. THAT WOULD'VE BEEN FASCINATING ALL ON ITS OWN.
BUT NO, YOU BROUGHT IN KHAN, THE BLACKEST SHEEP. NO, THE WHITEST SHEEP IN A SEA OF BLACK SHEEP. STUCK OUT LIKE A FUCKING SORE THUMB THE ENTIRE TIME. I REALLY WANTED TO BELIEVE. I REALLY WANTED TO BE SOLD ON CRUMBLEPATCHES' PERFORMANCE. HE DID GREAT. HE SOLD HIS CHARACTER. BUT THAT CHARACTER SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN KHAN.
Also, wow, I felt so awkward watching Bones hit on Carol WHILE THEY WERE DISARMING A FUCKING MISSILE. TIME AND PLACE, DOCTOR.
Sulu, bb, please be my captain. No, you can be captain and Bones can be..... CMO masquerading as First Officer and RUN YOUR OWN GODDAMN SHIP AND ROCK DEEP SPACE GODDAMN IT YOU FIRE YOUR TORPEDOS BB YOU UNLOAD YOUR FUCKING PAYLOAD OF NUKES ON THAT FUCKER WHO KILLED PIKE THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES INTO THE FUCKING FILM TOO SOON JJ TOO FUCKING SOON.
Tbh, my Jim/Bones and Spock/Uhura heart sung throughout. Also, why the fuck did they go that route with Scotty. I just. don't understand. SCOTTY. I LOVED HOW HE TROLLED THE ADMIRAL BUT WHAT. WHY TAKE HIM OUT OF HIS ELEMENT. WHY REMOVE PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT. I WANT TO SEE THESE FUCKERS IN THEIR GODDAMN ELEMENT OKAY. YES CHEKOV WAS CUTE RUNNING AROUND IN HIS GOGGLES TRYING TO FIX THE FUCKING WARP DRIVE BUT THAT'S NOT HIS JOB AND I WAS QUITE FRANKLY FUCKING TERRIFIED HE MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY BLOW UP THE ENTERPRISE RIGHT THERE AT THE EDGE OF THE NEUTRAL ZONE.
No seriously I just want a movie on Starfleet dealing with corruption from within in the wake of the Narada Incident/destruction of Vulcan that would've been GREAT. Hell, that corruption could've spread to the other planets in the federation and that would've made the promise of war with Klingon just as intriguing and I liked that idea I saw earlier on Tumblr about Cookiepatches playing not Khan but perhaps Khan's lieutenant or Khan's right hand man or jusT NOT KHAN being woken out of cryo-sleep (sp????) by Marcus & war-hungry Co. to build them their weapons and beautiful dreadnought ship and using KHAN'S CRYOTUBE AS LEVERAGE THAT WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH PASTY-ASS WHITEBRTICHES MASQUERADING AS KHAN.
But the movie was great. Very pretty to look at. IMAX was fabulous. Enterprise going into warp and the lovely twin trails of blue through space omigosh the visual porn my eyes were in heaven. Also, everyone was beautiful and the things I could write about Jim's eyes.
Or I can save that for fic. Like that one fic I wanted to write several years ago that was basically this fucking movie minus Khan and Marcus(es).
But yeah, good movie. I'll probably see it again, in 2D, for chhhhhheeeeaaaaaap.
P.S. I was mad disappoint that a sub-arc in this movie is Jim's growth again from immature to mature, this time from immature captain to mature-ish captain. Now, I get why this should be addressed - dude got into the captain's seat via trial by fire, he was on fucking probation and should have never been on the Enterprise when the ships warped to Vulcan but thank fuck for Bones McCoy amirite - but the whole thing felt very "in your face". there had to be a better way to handle his arc/growth, right?
Also, why did Pike die 30 minutes into the movie I mean really you guys REALLY.
Also was informed that Bones is a ladies' man and the flirtation scene was very in-character for him so then my beef just becomes THIS IS NOT THE TIME AND PLACE TO BE FUCKING FLIRTING, DOCTOR. FLIRT WHEN YOU'RE NOT DISARMING A FUCKING MISSILE FOR CHRISSAKE. there was also the bit about Jim not remembering Christine Chapel and there was also the bit about Christine Chapel not being in the fucking movie in the first place what the fuck.
This movie is a raging cycle of frustration and joy goddamn it. Now excuse me while I go drown in a billion Jim/Bones fics and cry tears of FEEEEELS.
Of all the questions that came to mind as I was leaving the theater, this one stood out the most:
why in all of space and time did these bloody fuckers decide to shoehorn THAT character into a plot that would've done just fine without it!?
Uh, spoiler alert?
I like this movie. I enjoyed watching this movie. But I could not for the life of me take seriously the idea that Bendydicks Crumblepockets, the whitest white man to ever white, can play a character named Khan Noonian Singh. All the suspensions of disbelief I can afford for everything else in the movie went out the door once he disclosed his real fucking name.
Dear movie, you don't have to call back to Wrath of Khan to be a good movie. You don't have to use that to draw in the Trekkies. YOU ARE REBOOT. YOU CAN TAKE THE FIXED POINT THAT IS THE EUGENICS WAR AND THE CREATION OF KHAN AND HIS PEOPLE AND SPIN OUT INTO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. YOU HAD THAT GOING WITH ADMIRAL MARCUS AND HIS DESIRE FOR WAR AND THE TALKS ABOUT VULCAN AND THE NARADA INCIDENT AND THE SLOW MILITARIZING OF STARFLEET. THAT WOULD'VE BEEN FASCINATING ALL ON ITS OWN.
BUT NO, YOU BROUGHT IN KHAN, THE BLACKEST SHEEP. NO, THE WHITEST SHEEP IN A SEA OF BLACK SHEEP. STUCK OUT LIKE A FUCKING SORE THUMB THE ENTIRE TIME. I REALLY WANTED TO BELIEVE. I REALLY WANTED TO BE SOLD ON CRUMBLEPATCHES' PERFORMANCE. HE DID GREAT. HE SOLD HIS CHARACTER. BUT THAT CHARACTER SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN KHAN.
Also, wow, I felt so awkward watching Bones hit on Carol WHILE THEY WERE DISARMING A FUCKING MISSILE. TIME AND PLACE, DOCTOR.
Sulu, bb, please be my captain. No, you can be captain and Bones can be..... CMO masquerading as First Officer and RUN YOUR OWN GODDAMN SHIP AND ROCK DEEP SPACE GODDAMN IT YOU FIRE YOUR TORPEDOS BB YOU UNLOAD YOUR FUCKING PAYLOAD OF NUKES ON THAT FUCKER WHO KILLED PIKE THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES INTO THE FUCKING FILM TOO SOON JJ TOO FUCKING SOON.
Tbh, my Jim/Bones and Spock/Uhura heart sung throughout. Also, why the fuck did they go that route with Scotty. I just. don't understand. SCOTTY. I LOVED HOW HE TROLLED THE ADMIRAL BUT WHAT. WHY TAKE HIM OUT OF HIS ELEMENT. WHY REMOVE PEOPLE OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT. I WANT TO SEE THESE FUCKERS IN THEIR GODDAMN ELEMENT OKAY. YES CHEKOV WAS CUTE RUNNING AROUND IN HIS GOGGLES TRYING TO FIX THE FUCKING WARP DRIVE BUT THAT'S NOT HIS JOB AND I WAS QUITE FRANKLY FUCKING TERRIFIED HE MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY BLOW UP THE ENTERPRISE RIGHT THERE AT THE EDGE OF THE NEUTRAL ZONE.
No seriously I just want a movie on Starfleet dealing with corruption from within in the wake of the Narada Incident/destruction of Vulcan that would've been GREAT. Hell, that corruption could've spread to the other planets in the federation and that would've made the promise of war with Klingon just as intriguing and I liked that idea I saw earlier on Tumblr about Cookiepatches playing not Khan but perhaps Khan's lieutenant or Khan's right hand man or jusT NOT KHAN being woken out of cryo-sleep (sp????) by Marcus & war-hungry Co. to build them their weapons and beautiful dreadnought ship and using KHAN'S CRYOTUBE AS LEVERAGE THAT WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH PASTY-ASS WHITEBRTICHES MASQUERADING AS KHAN.
But the movie was great. Very pretty to look at. IMAX was fabulous. Enterprise going into warp and the lovely twin trails of blue through space omigosh the visual porn my eyes were in heaven. Also, everyone was beautiful and the things I could write about Jim's eyes.
Or I can save that for fic. Like that one fic I wanted to write several years ago that was basically this fucking movie minus Khan and Marcus(es).
But yeah, good movie. I'll probably see it again, in 2D, for chhhhhheeeeaaaaaap.
P.S. I was mad disappoint that a sub-arc in this movie is Jim's growth again from immature to mature, this time from immature captain to mature-ish captain. Now, I get why this should be addressed - dude got into the captain's seat via trial by fire, he was on fucking probation and should have never been on the Enterprise when the ships warped to Vulcan but thank fuck for Bones McCoy amirite - but the whole thing felt very "in your face". there had to be a better way to handle his arc/growth, right?
Also, why did Pike die 30 minutes into the movie I mean really you guys REALLY.
Also was informed that Bones is a ladies' man and the flirtation scene was very in-character for him so then my beef just becomes THIS IS NOT THE TIME AND PLACE TO BE FUCKING FLIRTING, DOCTOR. FLIRT WHEN YOU'RE NOT DISARMING A FUCKING MISSILE FOR CHRISSAKE. there was also the bit about Jim not remembering Christine Chapel and there was also the bit about Christine Chapel not being in the fucking movie in the first place what the fuck.
This movie is a raging cycle of frustration and joy goddamn it. Now excuse me while I go drown in a billion Jim/Bones fics and cry tears of FEEEEELS.