Packing up...
I'm leaving my parents' home in the morning. I'm flying out west and meeting up with SS for a visit. My parents and brother will meet me out there on Friday morning and then we have a big family weekend with the folks on my mom's side. It will be really really fantastic to see them...my mom's family is so massive that we're rarely all together in one place. Even this weekend, it won't be ALL of us but it will be a lot of us. And I haven't seen any of them in over two years. I'm looking forward to it.
It's weird being in America.
Everything is so organized.
And so big.
And the vegetables have no taste.
And the air isn't as thick or salty.
And Southern folk are tiring for me -- the Keds and the handbags and tennis outfits. The ladies of leisure run rampant. The lip gloss and perfectly placed hair.
It exhausts me.
I don't miss that part of America.
I do miss the friends.
The ones who know me through and through and love me anyway.
I don't have to try or prove anything anymore.
We just hang.
I miss that comfort.
It's such a weird position to be in...I fly in for a week here or 10 days there. More experienced olim (people who've moved to Israel) always talk about how the first visit back to the US, people would come from near and far to see them. And every visit after that...the numbers dwindled. Both because they told less people of their arrival and because it's just tiring to travel these days.
I can see that.
I didn't tell everyone I was coming.
It was too much.
I didn't want to upset anyone who couldn't come in.
I knew this visit would be jam-packed with crap.
This entry is kind of disjointed...like my bags strewn across the floor. I'm not sure what the point is...of this entry. Maybe just to say that America exhausts me. Not because I don't like it or want to make fun of it or point out all the flaws (which I do with great pleasure most of the time) but because there are too many roots here for me. And it's hard and exhausting to think about how I spent so many years nurturing those roots...and now they'll begin to fade out. Years and distance really do a number on relationships.
And I wonder if I'll even find that stability again.
I sure as hell don't have it in Israel quite yet.
I know the "real" Israelis still look at me curiously...why the hell did that girl leave America to come to Israel? When will she ever speak Hebrew? Why is she wearing those pants?
That kind of thing.
I still stick out.
But I stick out in America too...I'm not quite American or Southern or East Coast. I'm just kind of weird here.
And I'm weird there.
It's kind of funny and exciting.
I've created a new version of myself on a different continent.
G-d I miss the roots though.
This trip has been so weird.
Part of me wanted to just pack up and run north...to start again there...at least I'd have love. But love ain't enough apparently. I'm stubborn and have a vision of my life ahead of me...and the love is a good base but I need more. I need the Jewish babies and the connection to Israel and all that good stuff.
But the pangs are still there...how does one continually walk away from something so good? It's almost criminal. We should all BE so lucky. And I am...and I keep walking away...because...
Because of what?
Because of Israel?
Because of my restlessness?
Because of that Holy Land?
Because of what?
It's weird being in America.
Everything is so organized.
And so big.
And the vegetables have no taste.
And the air isn't as thick or salty.
And Southern folk are tiring for me -- the Keds and the handbags and tennis outfits. The ladies of leisure run rampant. The lip gloss and perfectly placed hair.
It exhausts me.
I don't miss that part of America.
I do miss the friends.
The ones who know me through and through and love me anyway.
I don't have to try or prove anything anymore.
We just hang.
I miss that comfort.
It's such a weird position to be in...I fly in for a week here or 10 days there. More experienced olim (people who've moved to Israel) always talk about how the first visit back to the US, people would come from near and far to see them. And every visit after that...the numbers dwindled. Both because they told less people of their arrival and because it's just tiring to travel these days.
I can see that.
I didn't tell everyone I was coming.
It was too much.
I didn't want to upset anyone who couldn't come in.
I knew this visit would be jam-packed with crap.
This entry is kind of disjointed...like my bags strewn across the floor. I'm not sure what the point is...of this entry. Maybe just to say that America exhausts me. Not because I don't like it or want to make fun of it or point out all the flaws (which I do with great pleasure most of the time) but because there are too many roots here for me. And it's hard and exhausting to think about how I spent so many years nurturing those roots...and now they'll begin to fade out. Years and distance really do a number on relationships.
And I wonder if I'll even find that stability again.
I sure as hell don't have it in Israel quite yet.
I know the "real" Israelis still look at me curiously...why the hell did that girl leave America to come to Israel? When will she ever speak Hebrew? Why is she wearing those pants?
That kind of thing.
I still stick out.
But I stick out in America too...I'm not quite American or Southern or East Coast. I'm just kind of weird here.
And I'm weird there.
It's kind of funny and exciting.
I've created a new version of myself on a different continent.
G-d I miss the roots though.
This trip has been so weird.
Part of me wanted to just pack up and run north...to start again there...at least I'd have love. But love ain't enough apparently. I'm stubborn and have a vision of my life ahead of me...and the love is a good base but I need more. I need the Jewish babies and the connection to Israel and all that good stuff.
But the pangs are still there...how does one continually walk away from something so good? It's almost criminal. We should all BE so lucky. And I am...and I keep walking away...because...
Because of what?
Because of Israel?
Because of my restlessness?
Because of that Holy Land?
Because of what?