It's the most wonderful time of the year
If you're into swinging wildly between a manic energy that keeps you up all hours of the night writing, baking & talking about whatever, & a heavy desire to dig a hole to go die in while life passes by unnoticing.
I miss you, mania. You wreak havoc on my bank account at your worst, but goddamn do I get shit done when I'm on a roll. I've never cooked, cleaned & baked so much in my life. My writing muse has even returned, keeping me up til odd hours of the night.
The holidays make me want to die. It weighs heavy on my heart, but my mind feels so light & free when I think about it. Dying is frightening.. where do we go afterwards? That unknown is agonizing. I think it's the journey, not the destination, that I contemplate most. The brighter & noisier the world gets this time of year, the more I want to disappear inside myself.
I'm sorry. Christmas Eve was quite lovely this year: lazy morning/afternoon, leisurely baking & Netflix-watching, lots of rich food & few but more dear gifts from family. I hope tomorrow is more of the same.
I am not good at holiday spirit, but I'm trying.