sigh.... tuesdays....
Hrmm, well I've gotta get my act together since i'll be transfering out of drexel soon. ( gonna be in my new college this Fall term ).
Most likely i'm gonna end up at University of Maryland and it just hit me that i've been telling everybody that thats where im transfering to and i haven't even applied let alone got accepted to it.
i hope my grades and all will be alright to get in, cause i don't know what I'm going to do if I don't.
but that's got me thinking as well... just really pivioting on that one key thing as to where my life is gonna lead me.
Instance 1:
I get accepted to University of Maryland, I get to see fiona more often ( which should be amazing ). Then I'm giving up the life here at drexel which I've just started to get comfortable in, but I get to start a new life almost at University of maryland. New people, new classes, new professors, new social life. all the things that i don't like about myself here at drexel because i've changed since i came here, i don't have to show people. I can be the me that i want to be and work hard at being that person.
Instance 2 (which i don't know what to think of):
I don't get accepted to U.MD but i do get accepted to one of the other schools that i've been looking at, and they're all sooo much further from here that i almost HAVE to give up the life that i've settled into ( where as if i go to umd i can still stay in realitve touch with my friends as of now ). But this will let me be more on my own, more independent from my parents, and almost...... more alone, however much i try to think of leaving drexel for a school like Uof Texas or Berkley i don't know if i could keep it going with fiona... not that i want to end it, but i don't know how i would be able to deal with is ( since even now its hard ).
Instance 3 ( this one i can't even tolerate the thought of):
I don't get accepted to ANY of the schools i apply to because I'm either too stupid or just something on my end that i fuck up. I can still see fiona as it is now ( but i think i'll be in a worse mood ). all in all i don't know how i'll deal with this situation. Since i've already got myself into the mindset that i'll be able start over, and im starting to notice all of the things i hate about drexel and my life now that i would have to deal with if i stay here at drexel. but i would probably try as hard as i could to graduate early from drexel and in turn, be fucking myself over more, because i wouldn't mature enough by the time i graduate. and i would be at such a young age that even if i attempt to get a job, i'd be looked down upon because of my age ( roughly 21 w/ a BS in CS, possibly a double major ) and i would end up sacrificing some of the things i really want to do in life so that i could finish early.
All in all I just really hope that i get accepted to U.MD since i feel i can do more of what i want to do and not so much more of what i should do. ( meaning I am more happy with the path i took/take )
oh.... why is this such a pain in the ass....
damn i think i'm stessing myself out thinking about this stuff. ( getting into the mood i was the other night, damn lack of will ). though at least im not thinking of giving up on these problems, thank god the thought of what it would do to fiona is keeping me from those thoughts, that and losing her ( lol, yeah she's keeping me tyed to reality ).
damn and its only 11:20 at work...... im not going to note how many hours i have left here. cause that would just make them longer.
and yeah, i'm gonna grow my hair back so to how it looks in the pic here. damned Corporate job has been molding me so i'm not as outlandish as i was before...
anyway, back to work...
Most likely i'm gonna end up at University of Maryland and it just hit me that i've been telling everybody that thats where im transfering to and i haven't even applied let alone got accepted to it.
i hope my grades and all will be alright to get in, cause i don't know what I'm going to do if I don't.
but that's got me thinking as well... just really pivioting on that one key thing as to where my life is gonna lead me.
Instance 1:
I get accepted to University of Maryland, I get to see fiona more often ( which should be amazing ). Then I'm giving up the life here at drexel which I've just started to get comfortable in, but I get to start a new life almost at University of maryland. New people, new classes, new professors, new social life. all the things that i don't like about myself here at drexel because i've changed since i came here, i don't have to show people. I can be the me that i want to be and work hard at being that person.
Instance 2 (which i don't know what to think of):
I don't get accepted to U.MD but i do get accepted to one of the other schools that i've been looking at, and they're all sooo much further from here that i almost HAVE to give up the life that i've settled into ( where as if i go to umd i can still stay in realitve touch with my friends as of now ). But this will let me be more on my own, more independent from my parents, and almost...... more alone, however much i try to think of leaving drexel for a school like Uof Texas or Berkley i don't know if i could keep it going with fiona... not that i want to end it, but i don't know how i would be able to deal with is ( since even now its hard ).
Instance 3 ( this one i can't even tolerate the thought of):
I don't get accepted to ANY of the schools i apply to because I'm either too stupid or just something on my end that i fuck up. I can still see fiona as it is now ( but i think i'll be in a worse mood ). all in all i don't know how i'll deal with this situation. Since i've already got myself into the mindset that i'll be able start over, and im starting to notice all of the things i hate about drexel and my life now that i would have to deal with if i stay here at drexel. but i would probably try as hard as i could to graduate early from drexel and in turn, be fucking myself over more, because i wouldn't mature enough by the time i graduate. and i would be at such a young age that even if i attempt to get a job, i'd be looked down upon because of my age ( roughly 21 w/ a BS in CS, possibly a double major ) and i would end up sacrificing some of the things i really want to do in life so that i could finish early.
All in all I just really hope that i get accepted to U.MD since i feel i can do more of what i want to do and not so much more of what i should do. ( meaning I am more happy with the path i took/take )
oh.... why is this such a pain in the ass....
damn i think i'm stessing myself out thinking about this stuff. ( getting into the mood i was the other night, damn lack of will ). though at least im not thinking of giving up on these problems, thank god the thought of what it would do to fiona is keeping me from those thoughts, that and losing her ( lol, yeah she's keeping me tyed to reality ).
damn and its only 11:20 at work...... im not going to note how many hours i have left here. cause that would just make them longer.
and yeah, i'm gonna grow my hair back so to how it looks in the pic here. damned Corporate job has been molding me so i'm not as outlandish as i was before...
anyway, back to work...