can't eviscerate what you can't masticate

[shiore4]

You can't go back you can't fathom what's going on. It's kind of a swirl of emotions. The other day I betrayed a dear friend, the depths of my madness finally swelled up and rose to meet my attention. The effects of what I had done and the people I was hurting and the person I continued to hurt over and over again smacked me in the face. A person I love and care about dearly, torn to shreds by my dismissive gestures and the tough love is something I could not handle for a long time, the twisted arms which plagued my family's genes have rest their diseased arms on me. The laziness, the depression, the self loathing, and finally the desired destruction of loved ones. I hurt him, I hurt her, I looked in the mirror and saw my mother's face staring back at me. The madness, the crazed eyes and savageness. She turned family members on each other, incited my father, telling him vicious lies about me when I was a child. I heard it all as I silently glided up to their closed bedroom door and heard her hissing in his ear. My sisters, brother, and I made a pact never to be like her. I saw myself turning into just that as I betrayed those I love. I saw the venom and the refusal to accept their love. After I realized what I was doing I spoke with him. He offered up his tough love again and told me a very important thing: "Deal with things, one at a time, you take on too much and become overwhelmed and end up doing nothing at all." It was hard to hear, but instead of lashing out at him and telling him he should take his own advice as I was as par usual for doing, I agreed. I recognized my fault and accepted it. And the advice that has been given to me countless times. Be happy with what you have, and the addendum, but have goals. I need that, and I want it. I want to enjoy life I want to be happy. I want more than anything for my friends to be happy as well. So I am. I am taking steps one at a time to be happy. I am taking the time to love and be appreciative. It will be slow and this time I don't want the immediate gratification, I want to realize what and who I am over time, become stronger and better. Step one for my goals: Finish my website, that is all I want there for now and hopefully it will be done today. Step one for bettering myself: Find happiness in life. The self pitying misery has to go before I can do anything else, love anyone else or become confident. I have to live each day, and find goodness in it. Everyone wants to be happy, I just have to find ways to make it happen.
I love my friends and I love my family. All of them. My mother is mentally ill and I have had a tough time understanding and coping with that, but I do love her too. Today I will try harder. And we shall see what happens from there. I talked to her, the one that I hurt, healing will take time but she is a strong believer in second chances, and she said she cares too much about me to let me go after one mishap. She has a big heart and I hope that one day she can trust me again. Him I care about and have injured time and time again. This time I won't lash out at his outstretched hand I won't refuse the help and the tough love. I will take that hand, and hopefully one day make him as happy as he's made me.