Wow......What WAS I Thinking???
My, my.......I've been typing in this thing for almost 4 years now. How time flies.
This entry struck a chord with me, so I've reprinted it for posterity.
From New Years' Eve, 2002
LET ME WHISPER IN YOUR EAR.......
This is when it starts......this is when the anger comes.....
Looking, looking round my room.....junk.....junk....useless junk.....things that I vaguely remember having some value, some use, some pull that at one time inexorabley drew me to purchase, borrow, or steal......now all useless rubbish......nay, its filth......
all filth....
filthy fuckin' room....
filthy objects, all tainted with my stink.....the stink of corruption.....waste.....offal......this is my nest......this is where the disease flourishes and breeds......where it chokes the life from my family, my neighbors, my town.....
This is when it starts.....this is when the anger takes hold....
Food in the icebox but it may as well be the catbox
more waste, more filth......cold, dead things wrapped in plastic burial shrouds and tupperware caskets....already dead......just waiting for the not quite dead to consume them, fooling the not quite dead into thinking they might live longer......we eat the dead......three square meals a day
We are all dead.....we just have yet to grow cold......
But the anger......the anger fools us more.....it tricks us into feeling we are truly alive, that we actually have something to fight for......that if we win, we will have accomplished something useful.
The anger is a cruel, contemptuous trickster.....It cares not for what we value.....rather it whispers in our ear, suggesting, tempting us to destroy what little left in the world we value......we have been hurt so grievously, so many times over, and the anger taunts us with images of past wrongs inflicted......
It would be so simple......so easy.....
Unleash your anger, the voice beckons......strike out at those who have wronged you.....Never mind, it whispers, that the faces of your victims belong to your friends, your loves, your family......they are, after all, the closest targets.....your enemies, those that have dumped filth and waste and sewage upon you for all your years-- they are so far away -- and the anger is HERE, NOW, and so very close to your bosom......Look at them! Even now they come to you like little lambs, all smiles and outstretched hands......they cannot concieve of the fate that awaits them at your angry hand......
It would be so easy to give in.....to succumb.....
See the last faint glimmers of hope snuffed out as you rage and rail against those close to you......they will feel your wrath, the anger flowing through you like liquid fire, so good.....The looks of confusion on your enemies (friends? what?) face only give you pleasure......you always promised yourself they'd never see it coming......
It was so simple......so easy.....why did we not do it before?
The anger has left us......like an unwelcome guest.....uninvited.....the anger took you for a fool....
We survey the anger's handiwork......No, wait......OUR handiwork.......bitter ex-friends, lost loves, bewildered family, strangers who hate us......the anger is not a comforter, not a consoler, never a friend.....it simply shows us the easy way, the simple way.......
The anger never shows us its consequences......it leaves us to deal with that......alone......abandoned.....and we never deal with it well.....we are left with more filth, more waste.....our most treasured possesions offend our eyes......we run in terror from those who want answers, for we have nothing but questions ourselves.....
We are disgusted with ourselves.....for the anger did not do this, we did it.....the anger is but a whisper in our ear.....
And we are weak for listening......
This entry struck a chord with me, so I've reprinted it for posterity.
From New Years' Eve, 2002
LET ME WHISPER IN YOUR EAR.......
This is when it starts......this is when the anger comes.....
Looking, looking round my room.....junk.....junk....useless junk.....things that I vaguely remember having some value, some use, some pull that at one time inexorabley drew me to purchase, borrow, or steal......now all useless rubbish......nay, its filth......
all filth....
filthy fuckin' room....
filthy objects, all tainted with my stink.....the stink of corruption.....waste.....offal......this is my nest......this is where the disease flourishes and breeds......where it chokes the life from my family, my neighbors, my town.....
This is when it starts.....this is when the anger takes hold....
Food in the icebox but it may as well be the catbox
more waste, more filth......cold, dead things wrapped in plastic burial shrouds and tupperware caskets....already dead......just waiting for the not quite dead to consume them, fooling the not quite dead into thinking they might live longer......we eat the dead......three square meals a day
We are all dead.....we just have yet to grow cold......
But the anger......the anger fools us more.....it tricks us into feeling we are truly alive, that we actually have something to fight for......that if we win, we will have accomplished something useful.
The anger is a cruel, contemptuous trickster.....It cares not for what we value.....rather it whispers in our ear, suggesting, tempting us to destroy what little left in the world we value......we have been hurt so grievously, so many times over, and the anger taunts us with images of past wrongs inflicted......
It would be so simple......so easy.....
Unleash your anger, the voice beckons......strike out at those who have wronged you.....Never mind, it whispers, that the faces of your victims belong to your friends, your loves, your family......they are, after all, the closest targets.....your enemies, those that have dumped filth and waste and sewage upon you for all your years-- they are so far away -- and the anger is HERE, NOW, and so very close to your bosom......Look at them! Even now they come to you like little lambs, all smiles and outstretched hands......they cannot concieve of the fate that awaits them at your angry hand......
It would be so easy to give in.....to succumb.....
See the last faint glimmers of hope snuffed out as you rage and rail against those close to you......they will feel your wrath, the anger flowing through you like liquid fire, so good.....The looks of confusion on your enemies (friends? what?) face only give you pleasure......you always promised yourself they'd never see it coming......
It was so simple......so easy.....why did we not do it before?
The anger has left us......like an unwelcome guest.....uninvited.....the anger took you for a fool....
We survey the anger's handiwork......No, wait......OUR handiwork.......bitter ex-friends, lost loves, bewildered family, strangers who hate us......the anger is not a comforter, not a consoler, never a friend.....it simply shows us the easy way, the simple way.......
The anger never shows us its consequences......it leaves us to deal with that......alone......abandoned.....and we never deal with it well.....we are left with more filth, more waste.....our most treasured possesions offend our eyes......we run in terror from those who want answers, for we have nothing but questions ourselves.....
We are disgusted with ourselves.....for the anger did not do this, we did it.....the anger is but a whisper in our ear.....
And we are weak for listening......